So Far So Good...

We saw our little today -almost 9 weeks with a strong heart. We also managed to see the head and the little arm bud moving. It must have laying on its side. So cute! So relieved! I am so proud of our little. Next step is the nuchal scan in 2 weeks which will tell us the risk for Downs Syndrome, heart problems and other chromosomal abnormalities. I am turning 35 in October, so a bit nervous about that, but for now everything is exactly where it should be.

I am still nauseous all the time, and I have now thrown up 4 times in the last 10 days. Twice yesterday. I hate food and I hate odors like the scent of cleaning sprays. But the truth is, I really don't mind any of this, and I am still loving it all.

I am just so incredibly grateful that I am in this place right now-- after all the struggles and pain, I don't think I ever imagined getting to a good place. I keep waiting for the bad to come and I pray so hard it won't. So far G-d is hearing my prayers and I hope He continues to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong. I have to admit, it is hard for me to let go and be completely happy. I am so scared that my happiness will be interrupted just like it has so many times in my life. But logically, I know this is no way to live-- I just need my heart to pay attention to my logic....

I am praying for all of you out there on your journey, and you are always in my thoughts. Trust me, even though I am in this place right now, I haven't forgotten the difficult journey it took to get here- it stays with me and maybe that's a good thing. I never want to get cocky and I never want to take anything for granted. Every moment that I am carrying this healthy child is truly a blessing.

Well I guess I'm going to continue being a lump on the couch this weekend, although some friends want to get together for dinner (ewe food!) and my 18 year old sister is leaving for Israel for a year this weekend! I'm going to really miss her. She is the only person other than Dave that I have been talking to about this pregnancy in great detail. It will be hard not to have that on a regular basis. But I also know that it's going to an amazing experience for her, as I spent a year there too and loved it.

Anyhoo, I guess that's it for now.

Please G-d keep out little growing strong and healthy everyday.

Who Am I?

I am loving every minute of this, even though I haven't been myself in over a week.

I am now a person that is nauseous about 90% of the day, tired, lethargic, disgusted by all food except pizza, bagels and cookies-- and when I eat these items, it's no more that a few bites before I feel so bloated. I have thrown up- once- at work. I am boring. I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and veg. I don't want to see anyone because besides the constant nausea and exhaustion, none of our friends know and it's so hard to pretend nothing is going on. These are my typical conversations with people:

Them: "So what new with you?"
Me: "Nothing, just working, you know, the usual... how about YOU?

And there it is.

I must come across so dull! Little do they know there is a life inside of me growing (G-d willing) and I am entering my third month (a little over 8 weeks now)!!!

But I am loving this all....

Despite the fact that I physically feel sick, I am beyond thrilled with every wave of nausea, with every yawn that comes out of my mouth, with every moment I am faced with making a food decision and nothing appeals to me. I was ecstatic when I threw up the other day. Because it means that something is going on in there, it must mean that my little is growing strong, right?

It's amazing to me that as horrible and painful as this journey to get pregnant has been for me, it has made these moments so precious and I am so grateful for all of this. I look at women I know that have gotten pregnant easily and I remember their constant complaining about the nausea, etc. and it angers me. How dare anyone complain?!!! Women who get pregnant easily have no idea how lucky they are -- how much they take for granted disgusts me. Perhaps I am being harsh, but being in this place right now has made me think more, and I have learned all too well that being pregnant is a gift and I am thankful for every minute of it.

Please please please, just keep growing strong, make me nauseous, make me gag, make me sleepy, bring it all on-- I want to feel it all-- because in the end, it will be so incredibly worth it....

Confession...

So hubby and I haven't made whoopy since we found out I'm preggars. It's been like more than a month now. And the reason is - we are scared to do it!!!! Is this silly and ridiculous??? Are we the only ones who feel this way? It's like we don't want to disturb our "little", especially since things are going well for now. We keep telling each other, okay after the next ultra sound, or when we hear the heartbeat, or now it's been once we get past the next ultra sound at 9 weeks. It's always something. I tell my husband that it's really no different than having the ultra sound wand in me- right??? And that seems to be okay.... What if we never do it again????

Oh my!

I know this must sound so crazy, but I really hope we get over our fear and get it on soon. I'm afraid I'm going to forget how to do it : )

In other news-- I am officially pretty nauseous all day now. Most food disgusts me. I read about this happening but I never thought I'd experience it as I love love food and I love to cook. Thinking about food makes me nauseous (I am nauseous as I type) and I haven't been able to cook. But luckily, I'm not throwing up. I'm also really tired throughout the day and it's hard to work. I have to really fight it. But it's all wonderful and I want to continue to feel it all. So that's it for now--- just awaiting the next ultra sound in 10 days. Yikes!

I Can Breathe For Now...

I went to to obgyn today for my official ultra sound and I couldn't have asked for a better visit.

As soon as I heard the doctor say "... and there's your baby" I just started crying, tears streaming down the sides of my face. We are right on target at a little over 7 weeks and the heartbeat is strong and normal. My official due date is April 6th! Yowza!!

I can't describe how I feel right now other than relieved, ecstatic, excited, and in love with this life that is inside me growing strong. After we left the doctor's office I patted my stomach and whispered "good job" to our little. I'm so proud of "it".

As far as how I've been feeling; I've been really tired and nauseous-- in fact I barely left my couch this weekend, I was so lethargic and sleepy. I haven't been able to eat meat, I'm just really craving pizza and ice cream and soup- like clear broth with noodles. I also used to eat green vegetables with every meal and now I can't even put a piece of steamed broccoli in my mouth without gagging. I hope that changes because I need my green veggies! But I am nauseous throughout the day and it comes in waves. I was just in my boss's office and I thought I was going to throw up on his desk. Luckily I'm not throwing up, just dry heaving -but I am loving every minute of it and I am soaking this all in.
To me this feels like a dream right now and I am grateful for every minute I get to spend protecting and nurturing this life I have inside of me and I pray it will continue to grow and be healthy.
Thank you G-d for this unbelievable gift....

Hard Weekend-- UPDATED

Saturday morning I woke up to a very small amount of brown discharge. I called my doctor and she said it's common and I shouldn't panic or be nervous about it. If it becomes bright red then I should call her. Regardless I felt scared--I felt like, great, here we go....

Throughout the day I still had very small amounts of brown discharge and from everything I read it's usually a sign of old blood and is common in early pregnancy. But I'm scared. I still had some this morning; it's really a tiny amount but in my mind I am thinking this is the start of the worst.

I'm calling my obgyn tomorrow am and will have them squeeze me in somehow. I just want to know if everything is okay or not. Originally I was scheduled for an August 13th ultrasound anyway, but then we moved it to next week, knowing we would see more. So I guess I'm going in on the original date and I PRAY everything is okay... At 6 weeks and 2 days, I'm not sure if we'll see a heartbeat, but I pray that the doctor tells me he is seeing what he should be seeing at this time-- I just want to walk away with an okay feeling. I'm so terrified. I just keep playing three months ago in my mind and don't want to go through that again. I fear I will not come back from that kind of pain a second time.

Please G-d -- if you can hear me/see me typing this -- please protect and take care of our little. And most of all, please G-d, please let it be healthy this time.

Update
So we just got back from the doc and all is fine. It's actually better than I expected. First the doctor did not see any blood in my hooha when he looked in there (fun). Then the ultrasound showed a yolk this time AND we saw the flickering of the heart!!! The doctor told us we might not see anything at all right now which would be okay too, so this was an added bonus. At 6 weeks it is too early to measure on their machine, but we clearly saw it flickering on the screen and it was the best moment I've had in a very long time. The doc said this is a good sign. Relief.

So now I know there is something growing in me. Now I just hope it continues to grow. I have my 7 week ultrasound a week from today-- I pray everything will continue to blossom and grow.

The doctor printed out the ultrasound picture for us but I gave it to Dave to hold. I'm not ready to get attached yet... But so far so good. It's amazing how much can change in five days which was when I had my last ultrasound, when all we could see was the sac.

Thanks to all of you out there who really made me feel better about everything with your kind words of support. It means so much. Thank you.

Thank you G-d for for today and please please keep our little healthy and strong in there.

Say What!?

For the past two months I have been a "friendly visitor." Through an organization I volunteer to visit an elderly person that I was matched up with after extensive background checks and interviews. Well, two months ago I was matched up with Claire, a 92 year old woman who also happens to live a few blocks away from me. I usually visit with her every week and we chat for about an hour and half. She's lovely; funny, spunky, independent, and smart. She is a former ballet dancer, turned bookkeeper, and was married for over 60 years with three children. She lives alone (her daughter lives in the same building) and does her own laundry, shopping, gets weekly manicures- really inspiring to me.

Anyway I haven't seen her since I found out that I'm preggars and I haven't told anyone except for our parents and siblings (our siblings' spouses don't even know). Well within the first five minutes of my visit last night, Claire says in her thick New York accent "are you pregnaaaant?". I sat there, stuttering, not know what to say. I was so caught off guard and I blurted out "how do you know?" And she said she could just tell (now, I am fairly slim, don't have a belly, so that wouldn't have been it)... I told her it is VERY early and she right away told me not to talk about it and not to tell anyone. And that was it. She changed the subject. But of course it stuck in my head and I wasn't sure if I was okay with her knowing. But then I realized this is a 92 year old woman who I barely know, so what if she knows?--- it won't change anything. And maybe she'll be a good luck charm this time around. It was strange I must say, maybe it's her wise old age that can sense things like this. I have no idea...

On another note, I have still been waking up at 3-4am every morning. Since last night I have also been needing to burp, like there's a gas bubble in my throat and I just want to burp or try to burp. Is this related to anything? I don't know-- is this indigestion? I have no idea, as I never really had this before. It's not very comfortable but I'm not complaining....

We are sleeping over my brother's and his family's tonight and then heading to Atlantic City for the night on Sunday- taking Monday off. Yay.

I'm still nervous and panicky about things, but I also know there's nothing I can do at this point. It is all in G-d's hands and I just have to keep praying that this all works out-- for all of us...

A Tiny Scare

So for the past couple of days I've been having little tweaks of pain here and there around my pelvis. The pain would be mild, and would last for a second, but I was definitely aware of it. I thought to myself it's probably normal to feel little tweaks of pain, but yesterday after work my mind started racing. Ectopic. What if it's ectopic? How do I even know this is growing in the right place since I had gone to the obgyn in my 4th week and she couldn't see anything at that point other than my thick uterine lining. So I called the obgyn last night and while she said it's normal to have cramping and some pain in early pregnancy to come in this morning, and she'd take a look.

Well I was up at 4am, I was SO scared. I prayed so hard and wore my good luck socks (they are blue with pink hearts and they say "life is good") and my good luck underwear (the ones I wore when I got the positive pregnancy test) and I walked over to the obgyn's office (luckily I live a few blocks away).

So she felt around my abdomen and everything felt fine, and then she did an ultra sound and I heard her say "well, now I can see more than last time!" And there was a black circle in my uterus and she told me it was the sac. Hallelujah. The sac is there, right where it should be and I was relieved.

The doc said everything looked exactly as it should for 5 weeks of pregnancy and we decided to postpone my next ultra sound to August 20th since next week, we might not see that much of a change. She said by the 7th week there should be a heartbeat which is what we need to see next. That sounds good to me-- I'd rather wait the 10 days to see progress than to see something similar in a few days....

I can breathe a bit easier now knowing at least that this is growing in my uterus, where it should be, and at this point, all we can hope and pray for is a healthy heartbeat on Monday, August 20th. Please G-d let it be there, please....

Dazed....

Well I've been pretty much in a daze since we found out I am preggars. It's so hard to focus on stuff without fondling my breasts (are they still sore?) or running to the bathroom if I feel a trickle of something oozing out of me (gross, I know). I am just SO nervous about this.

I have been waking up every single night this week between 4am and 5am and the first thought that pops into my head is August 13th- my first ultra sound. And I play the scene in my head-- that same scene that occurred three months ago when we got the worst news ever. (I won't write it because I am superstitious and I don't want to bring in any further negative energy to myself than I already have been). But you get the drift. I keep thinking we will get bad news and I will have to go through not only the mental agony of pain but the physical part which S-U-C-K-S. How will I get through it?

So here I am, waiting, wondering. It's been hard to enjoy this. I have moments of happiness, but they are rare right now. I know once we get past August 13th and it goes well, I will feel like a weight has been lifted. It is hard to be in this place again when it went so badly the first time, and not think it will happen again-- when it's really all that I know right now....

So Now They Know...

So the plan was that we wouldn't tell any family or friends about this pregnancy until we were past the 1st trimester.

Well.... suddenly that just didn't feel right anymore.

Yesterday I spoke to my mom and then my dad about random stuff and it just felt so unnatural to keep this from them. They have been praying so hard, doing whatever they possibly could to help (sometimes a little too invasive) and I just knew it would make them so happy. Also with the recent news of my hCG levels doubling, I finally started believing that I actually am pregnant. (Even though apart of me feels like a liar because I still can't believe it-- but then I remember the proof; AF is not here, my boobs are sore, five positive pregnancy tests, and my hCG numbers are doubling-- so it's gotta be true, right?).

I called Dave at work and told him how I felt about feeling weird about not telling my parents. He was hesitant at first, but then understood. My mother loves to give advice and offer opinions to the point where it can get annoying, frustrating and stressful. She has a very strong personality and I have spent many years in therapy discussing this. Yet, I really was feeling sad that she didn't know and I knew I needed to tell her and my dad. Plus I knew they would be SO happy.

And so last night Dave and I took a drive to Brooklyn and told them. It was exactly how I had fantasized and it was so memorable; there were tears, hugs, looks of disbelief (Dave told me his ear was soaked from my mom's tears when she was hugging him- it kind of grossed him out but in an endearing way). They were just so suprised-- they did not expect this 3 months after the mc considering it took so long the first time. But the best part was that I just love love love making people happy, and they were beyond happy. (Cautiously happy).

Well aside from my parents, sister, brother and mother-in-law knowing we've decided that this is absolutely it until G-d willing October when I will G-d willing be in my 4th month and we will tell the rest of the family and our friends.
Let's just hope and pray I get there this time.

Countdown to August 13th...

Well the good news is that in about 40 hours my beta level has doubled and my progesterone is excellent--- the doctor said numbers look great and at this point no more blood tests, just come on in on August 13th for my first real ultra sound. YIKES.

Going to the obgyn vs the RE is so different when you're pregnant. Last time when I was pregnant I was at the RE's office every week for blood work and ultra sounds, and the nurses would call me within a few hours with results, giving me numbers, details.
And going to the regular obgyn, well they just call to let me know my numbers are okay without even telling me what they are. I guess they aren't dealing with women like me as much; for women who have gotten pregnant easily, this is the protocol-- numbers are good, see ya in two weeks!
But maybe it's better not to know everything or know too much. At least for me, the more I know the more I worry. So what's the point? If my doc says everything is fine then everything is fine. And for now, my numbers are doubling and I am pregnant.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better... I just can't seem to shake these nerves. I actually left work early today because my allergies were bothering me and I felt like my body had been hit by a truck. I have to say that I am terrified of what lies ahead. The thought of another mc is unbearable. I wish I could feel good about this pregnancy, but the truth is I don't. The fear is definitely outweighing the joy- despite everything being okay right now. I don't trust it, and I wish I could....

Is It Friday Yet?

I am such a mess- a bunch of nerves.

Went for my first obgyn appointment yesterday. I am only in my 4th week of pregnancy, so at this point the doc could only see my nice thick uterine lining and she said that means my uterus is preparing itself to keep our "little" safe and sound for the next nine months. She reassured me that this is what she should be seeing. (I was hoping there would be a visible sac but she said that is usually seen between week 5-6.) Okay. Fine.

My first beta is in and it's at 240 and my progesterone is over 20. Doc said numbers look great and are normal (I googled this and I am right within range for week 4 of pregnancy). I am going back tomorrow morning for my second beta and I pray the numbers keep rising.

I want it to be Friday so then at least the numbers will be in, and hopefully everything will be normal. And I will be able to enjoy this part at least until my first real ultra sound- which is on August 13th. Please G-d let there be a healthy heartbeat this time around....

I went for acupuncture today and my acupuncturist was so happy for me. In a way I feel like SHE is the one that got me pregnant. Dave? Dave who? Ha ha. Kidding of course. But still I have to say that it took me 11 months of natural trying, 3 medicated IUIs and nothing. As soon as I start acupuncture- boom- pregnant twice in 7 months - naturally both times. There's gotta be a connection.

Anyway I will continue with the acupuncture until there is a heartbeat. And until then there is nothing more I can do. I so want to enjoy this right now, but it's much harder than I thought. Hey, three months ago I was on the toilet expelling what was supposed to be our child. It's pretty hard right now to sit back and relax. I hope and pray that in time that I will start to enjoy this and soak it all in because after all the heartache, I deserve to feel this joy. I'm just not ready yet.

I just SO want this to be IT for us. Please G-d let it be.