Dazed....
Well I've been pretty much in a daze since we found out I am preggars. It's so hard to focus on stuff without fondling my breasts (are they still sore?) or running to the bathroom if I feel a trickle of something oozing out of me (gross, I know). I am just SO nervous about this.
I have been waking up every single night this week between 4am and 5am and the first thought that pops into my head is August 13th- my first ultra sound. And I play the scene in my head-- that same scene that occurred three months ago when we got the worst news ever. (I won't write it because I am superstitious and I don't want to bring in any further negative energy to myself than I already have been). But you get the drift. I keep thinking we will get bad news and I will have to go through not only the mental agony of pain but the physical part which S-U-C-K-S. How will I get through it?
So here I am, waiting, wondering. It's been hard to enjoy this. I have moments of happiness, but they are rare right now. I know once we get past August 13th and it goes well, I will feel like a weight has been lifted. It is hard to be in this place again when it went so badly the first time, and not think it will happen again-- when it's really all that I know right now....
I have been waking up every single night this week between 4am and 5am and the first thought that pops into my head is August 13th- my first ultra sound. And I play the scene in my head-- that same scene that occurred three months ago when we got the worst news ever. (I won't write it because I am superstitious and I don't want to bring in any further negative energy to myself than I already have been). But you get the drift. I keep thinking we will get bad news and I will have to go through not only the mental agony of pain but the physical part which S-U-C-K-S. How will I get through it?
So here I am, waiting, wondering. It's been hard to enjoy this. I have moments of happiness, but they are rare right now. I know once we get past August 13th and it goes well, I will feel like a weight has been lifted. It is hard to be in this place again when it went so badly the first time, and not think it will happen again-- when it's really all that I know right now....
posted by Here I am @ 6:23 AM
4 Comments:
At 9:23 AM ,
Christy said...
Enjoy this, my friend, as you really do have reason to be happy. Also, you will never get this time back and I hate to see you waste any opportunity for happiness. Embrace this pregnancy and have fun with it. Restricting your happiness now will not help to alleviate pain or suffering later. THIS is a happy time. It is what you have been waiting and praying for.
At 10:33 AM ,
Anonymous said...
I agree with Chris. Be thankful for what you have right now, some of us cannot even get to that point. Enjoy your joy while its there, no matter what happens down the road be glad you have at least this time. Things will probably be jsut fine and worrying all the time could add undue stress to your body too so try to just enjoy it.
At 6:02 AM ,
Secret D said...
This type of waiting is so much worse than the 2WW. You just want to be happy but you don't want to tempt fate. Why does time have to go so slow? Only 6 days and you can breath a sigh of relief that you have made it over the first hurdle.
I'm sure that everything will be OK.
At 12:50 PM ,
LifeHopes said...
I have enjoyed reading your blog and am sharing your excitement along with you!
I pray you will have peace and hope during what seems like an uncertain time.
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