Just Blue....

I've been feeling blue these past few days. Tired, annoyed, angry, and frustrated about all of this. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's been hard to shake off. Nothing specific has happened-- I guess it's just the thought of having to fight so hard to have a healthy child and missing my life when I could laugh freely and just be truly happy without this dark cloud lurking above me on a daily basis.

I've been especially angry at people who have children-- like my brother. My niece's birthday is in a month and it will be a huge, blown out affair. My brother is 31 years old and has two children. His son is fours years old and he's such a great kid. My niece was born three months premature and it truly is a miracle that she is here and alive and just perfect.
So my brother and his wife go all out with her birthdays; I'm talking magicians, petting zoo, catered food, etc. and everyone in the world that has a child will be there, including my extended family, who also happen to be really nosy (i.e. "So what's new with you? When are you finally going to have a baby?) UGH. It truly is the kind of event that really reminds you of what you don't have but want so much, and you just can't help but feel bad.

Coincidentally that day we have a trip booked for a night in Atlantic City (also timed around my cycle). For now I think we're going to keep this trip and skip the birthday party.

I know it's family-- but this birthday is like the mother ship of the "in your face, look at my child, see how wonderful it is to have kids, what, you don't have kids yet" party.

And I can see myself showing up and literally throwing up when I get there and crying for days afterwards. IS this worth it? No. Especially when just recently my brother didn't even remember that I was at his niece's birthday last year. (Which by the way, we had been trying for six months then and the panic of never having a child was just starting to set in and I cried to my aunt in the bathroom about feeling scared and sad about not yet being pregnant-- and here we are a year later and still no baby).

I realize that I shouldn't be thinking of myself and go for my niece, but in this case and my current life status-- I would have to be a robot to be able to do that.... THIS is my worst nightmare kind of place to be right now.... and my family happens to not really get it, which makes it ten times worse. I guess we'll have to tell them we had a trip planned for that day (and by the way, we didn't know the birthday was on the day we planned the trip, as her actual birthday is a week later....). My brother and his wife will be pissed, but in the scheme of life, I hope they will get over it, as they know that I am and have been a very caring aunt.

Anyway, I'm just feeling fed up and worn out. Everywhere I look, I see pregnant women, and women pushing their strollers and I think to myself, why not me? WHY? They make it look so easy, and here I am doing anything and everything to make this happen-- and then when it finally does, I have a miscarriage and we have to get back on this hellish roller coaster ride. It just sucks so much. $%^&*&!!!^%$#$#@@!!@!@!!

I'm going to see a new RE tomorrow. Not sure why. We've already been to two REs and are going natural for a little while, as I was able to get pregnant naturally. This particular RE helped a friend of my mom's and she couldn't stop raving about him, so I thought why not. All I really want is for him to tell me that nothing is wrong and I will have a child very soon. Because as much as I'd like there to be a problem to fix, I still would rather have my body working right to begin with- if that makes any sense.

I just pray I get rewarded very soon with a healthy baby in my arms after all of this-- and to all the women out there in the same boat, I pray the same for you as well...