Mama Me (Take 2)

Well.... in the last entry I wrote that I would not be stepping foot in a doctor's office unless A) I was pregnant or B) it's October and I'm still not pregnant. Well guess what??? Tomorrow I am making an appointment with my obgyn because it's "A".

Yes, according to two Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy tests, I am pregnant!

I cannot believe that this is happening. I never expected this. I felt so hopeless this month and never thought for a minute that it would happen.

I usually get my period on day 27. And when that day came and went, I thought to myself, ok, it will definitely happen the next day. But then day 28 passed, and day 29 passed and I started thinking that it might actually be possible. My boobs have been a bit painful and I have been feeling tired, and again, I am never late with my period. But what kept stopping me from testing is that I couldn't fathom that I could actually be pregnant with all the poking in my "hoohaa" that went on this cycle, AND that it was only 3 months post the miscarriage. So today, only two days late, I told Dave, let's just test and know and the tests confirmed it. It's really happening. I don't know what to do with myself. It is beyond anything I could have imagined....

Yes, we are so grateful and happy. I mean, never did I imagine that I'd get pregnant so soon after the miscarriage even though I tried to stay positive.

The fact is so much of what we feel right now is combined with a huge amount of fear. It just sucks to go through a year of trying with no results, to a pregnancy (finally) and then a miscarriage at 7 weeks (no more heartbeat) only three months ago.

It's like we know TOO much and that takes away from feeling completely joyful right now..

And although that was then and this is now, the past year and half are still very much a part of us, and it's hard to just relax and be completely happy. I tell Dave that at least in this moment I am pregnant and the best part right now is that it only took 3 months post miscarriage for it to happen (naturally!!!) which confirms that I CAN DO THIS.

At this moment, I am filled with so much angst, excitement, nervousness, and butterflies. I am beyond scared of the doctor's appointment. Poor Dave can't stop pacing and bouncing around. We want to jump out of our skin. But still, I have to thank G-d for giving us this precious gift and I pray this time it turns out to be a healthy baby.