I Am a FERTILE

I have been thinking and at last night's therapy session, I mentioned that I have never called myself an "infertile" and I have purposely named this blog after something I love (flowers) and not something relating to fertility... Yes, I focus on fertility on my blog, but it's because I feel so free and not judged, and it's such a great release whenever I want to just vent on whatever is going on-- positive or negative.

So we came to the conclusion that I will NEVER think of myself as infertile.

Labeling myself as infertile is negative, final, and false.

As long as there is HOPE in my life that I will have a healthy child, I am a fertile.

I Missed Me

We spent the weekend in DC and it was by far the best weekend we've had in a very long time.

No thoughts of miscarriage, inconsiderate friends, aunt flo, ovulation. It was pure fun and I was truly at peace. We saw old friends that I have missed so much- Lauren, John, Chuck and David. We laughed a lot, ate great food, drank 3 glasses of wine total, and just talked freely and openly about this and that. I felt like my old self and I think Dave was happy to see "me" return. Oh-- I forgot to mention, the love making was mind blowing : )

Anyway, I'm back in NYC now, and I'm still in a good mood. I realize that I need to make more of an effort to go to DC and visit the peeps. It's a short ride and it's a blast even though the weather was grossly humid and hot.

I'm on day 22 of my cycle and I hope this time next week my best friend and worst enemy, Auntie Flo will show her bloody self. Other than that, Dave and I are carb free this week because we pigged out too much this weekend and everything feels tight. Still in a good mood though : )

Dear good mood,
Please stay with me for as long as possible.
Love,
Me

Where Do the Friends Go?

I feel like my local friends are slowly fading one by one... Is it that you see the true colors of people during hard times, or do they suddenly become insensitive and mean?

I certainly don't expect anyone to know what this feels like. But from people that I consider close in my life, I do expect a level of sensitivity, warmth, kindness. I mean, isn't that the beauty of having good friends?

When Aron, my boyfriend at the time, died 12 years ago, it was the same. It was the hardest time in my life and the people that I considered my close friends let me down. They didn't call me, they weren't there for me. And slowly I had to let some go.

I don't regret it, because it shouldn't have been that way.

I am there for my friends when they need me.

I would never flaunt a special day I had with my four year old daughter to my close friend two weeks after she had a miscarriage. If my close friend was upset about something, I would never say to her, "Oh is this about your miscarriage and baby stuff?" - in a cold, mean spirited way-- as if a miscarriage is like breaking a heel or something.

Where is the stuff friendships are supposed to be about?

I feel like a stranger in my world right now.

No one should ever have to go through the struggle of trying to conceive and no one should ever have to go through the pain of a miscarriage and again-- I don't expect anyone to understand me right now. But I have to say, I just wish there was someone here, other than Dave that I could meet for dinner, and just talk freely without feeling awkward or judged. There is Annette, but she works all the time. I am meeting Skye next week who is the fiance of Dave's old roommate, but we don't really know each other yet.

I'm talking about that kind of friend you can talk about anything with, for hours, and cry and laugh, and everything in between. I miss my girls....Unfortunately those friends live out of town. At least there's the phone and I'll see two of them this weekend.

Anyway, it just felt good to vent.... Thank you blog.

Me Time

Since my ovulation this week, I have been pretty relaxed, enjoying this me time.

I think it also has to do with the fact that for the first time in a while, there are no family (kids) events going on, and we are going to DC this weekend and visiting our friends-- all kid-free. I wish we could stay longer and not come back to the three nieces' birthday parties we have this summer... I hate kid events right now. I know it's horrible, but I feel like such an outsider these days being in the presence of other mothers, like there's something wrong with me-- and I know that's my issue, but it still sucks.

So, any chance I have now to avoid these outings is really a blessing.

Anyway, just looking forward to a stress-free weekend, and after that it will be back to taking it one day at a time. What choice do I have?

I have this new thing where if I'm in the presence of a pregnant woman (there are so many in this part of Manhattan!) I say a little prayer asking G-d to rub some of that pregnancy dust on to me. It's better than feeling bitter and jealous, right?

One day at a time... One day a time... now waiting for the dryer to finish, and will go and beautify myself and get a manicure and pedicure, it's been too long. I love days off like this.

Hello Happy Face

So last night (after my 4th ovulation stick test that day) I finally got that smiley face!

I was so happy, I was running around the apartment with Dave there screaming "I'm ovulating! hoorah! hoorah!" He was hugging me, I think he was just happy not to see me worrying about it so much. And wait-- it gets more pathetic-- I then kissed the actual smiley face. I know, I know--it's sick.

Well day 15 is pretty good for the LH surge to happen considering all I hear is that the first period after a miscarriage may not be a normal one. I want to be normal and fast-- and I'm thrilled that my hormones are getting back on track-- I am owing it to my acupuncture treatments twice a week; so thank you Dr. Chen.

Now if only we could try this month, but we're listening to doc's orders and waiting until after the next period.

We're going to DC for the weekend to visit friends, and it will be nice to relax, have normal regular, untimed, passionate sex and maybe I'll even have a glass of red wine-- it's funny how the pleasures of life now were things I always took for granted.....

Seeing that smiley face brought such a relief last night and I am thankful for that. It's these moments that keep me going throughout this very bumpy journey....

A Smile Is Everything

It is day 14 of my cycle and still no smiley face on my ovulation stick. I usually have the surge around day 13. I am feeling scared and anxious, and I don't know if it's just my irrational fears taking over, or if there is something really wrong with me.

My period came exactly 4 weeks to the day of my miscarriage and it was a very healthy period lasting five days. I had NO PMS symptoms leading up to it, which has never happened, Now I am on day 14 and I don't have the LH surge, but my mucus has changed from yellowish thick to a whitish, cloudy more stretchy kind. I keep reading that the first cycle after a miscarriage is usually not a normal one because the hormones have changed. So what does this mean for me?

It took me a year to get pregnant and this miscarriage was SUCH A HUGE LOSS for us-- so now I just want it to be a little easier and it's not. I want to know what's going on with my body. When I had my period my HCG was at 9. Is this affecting my LH surge?

I'm going to make an appointment with my OB for tomorrow and have him do an ultra sound to see if there's a follicle and test my hormone levels. I just can't wait another cycle to "see what will happen". I unfortunately, do not have that luxury of taking my time-- as history has shown me that it isn't easy for my to conceive, and who knows when that will happen again for us. Imagine something actually going our way? It's hard to imagine, although I fantasize about it everyday.

I so wish life could be easy for just a little while. I feel so much pressure (which I have put on myself) to just get there already. I feel that with every month that goes by -- I am wasting time. I feel unproductive and I hate not knowing what's to come...

For now all I ask is for my regular cycle to return and for that beautiful, cheerful, adorable smiley face to appear on my ovulation stick. That smiley is a symbol of hope and wonderful things to come. And right now, I really need it.

Tired & Scared

I feel overcome with sadness today. I just want to cry. My eyes are tearing up as I'm writing.

Maybe my hormones are out of whack.

I'm on day 12 of my cycle and I'm worried that I won't have an LH surge this month. I have always gotten the surge and now I am fearing that I've run out of eggs. Logically I realize this is an irrational fear, since my period came exactly 4 weeks to the day after my miscarriage and I do see some whitish, yellowish, stringy mucus. But this morning there was no smiley face on my ovulation stick and I'm worried I won't see one... I know this is silly, it's day 12 and it can come anytime between now and I'll give it till next Tuesday-- but I still feel scared/sad.

I'm tired of thinking about my vagina, and my mucus, and my eggs. I am trying so hard to fight the sadness and the hopelessness and the exhaustion-- but it seems that today, I'm losing the fight.

I miss my little pea pod. I miss that unbelievable happiness we felt when I was pregnant. I miss that sense of relief I finally felt. I miss that feeling of not having to think about ovulation kits, and timed sex. I miss that sense of freedom I finally got back in my life. I miss having painful boobs and knowing that was a good pain. I miss not having to wait-- waiting for ovulation, waiting for pregnancy results. I AM SO SICK OF WAITING.

I want to have this all back and I get so overwhelmed with fear that it won't happen.

I think once I see that smiley face on the ovulation kit, I'll feel better. I'll feel like my body is working. I pray my miscarriage didn't change anything for the worst...

PLEASE HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS.

Three New Tips

I met with THE Dr. Chang yesterday and he was not concerned with my FSH (10,10, 16) because I was able to get pregnant. He told me that my miscarriage was simply "bad luck" and had nothing to do with my inability to get pregnant quickly. He wasn't concerned at all and told me I that my biggest problem is that I worry too much. Who moi? Ha Ha.

Then he told me to do these three things:

1. Take one baby aspirin every day: This thins out the blood and helps it flow to the ovaries better. See here: http://www.amazingpregnancy.com/pregnancy-articles/319.html and here http://www.sharedjourney.com/articles/aspirin.html. This is all over the internet.

2. Take either Robotussin (4x/day) or Mucinex (2 pills a day) everyday. This helps thin out the cervical mucus making it better for the spermies to penetrate. http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/cm.html ( this is all over the internet)

3. Change from taking a PREnatal vitamin to a PROnatal vitamin. Once pregnant, switch back to PREnatal. Dr. Chang told me that I should be taking something to help me get pregnant, a prenatal is something you take while pregnant. So I'm now taking Procept which is the same as my prenantal, but has some other natural stuff in it to help women get pregnant.

I know it's a lot, but it will be so worth it when I am holding my healthy baby in my arms-- very soon.

Ho Hum...

I'm glad the weekend is over.

We celebrated mom's birthday and mother's day and then as we were headed to Dave's mom's festivities, we got a call that his dad was rushed to the hospital. Turns out he has congestive heart failure. BUT-- he's fine now and will be leaving today. It just sucks for him because he has Parkinson's and he's only 67. I feel so sad for him knowing that this is how he is going to spend the rest of his life-- in an assisted living facility, barely walking, barely speaking. i think to myself, the only thing he has left is his family, his children.... Children are everything...

I met an 85 year old toothless woman at services this weekend named Beatrice. She told me her only son had passed away a year ago and she was so sad. She then looked me in the eye and told me to have children, to have three children, and she made me promise her I would. My eyes welled up with tears-- if she only knew.... I was struck that she told me this, and I hoped in that moment that G-d had sent her to me as a sign. Maybe this is His way of telling me it will happen for me.

I feel like we have been on such a long break from trying. I'm on day 9 of my cycle and we still can't try this month, we have to wait for one more period to come. So at this point it looks like we'll be trying mid-June. Gotta free up the calendar, as my life revolves around my fertility. Right now I just want to see that smiley face on my ovulation test this weekend, so I can relax and know my body is working normally...

Three things to look forward to:
1. Meeting with social worker tonight for an interview to volunteer to read to the blind in a nursing home once every two weeks.
2. Meeting with Dr. Chang (at the acupuncture center) tomorrow and discuss what's happened since I started my acupuncture treatments in January.
3. Our trip to DC for Memorial Day weekend to visit old friends and just get away...(and avoid family-kid bbq that weekend.)

Think positive.

Voices of Reason

I need to get back to reality. I have been in panic mode since yesterday afternoon ever since my doctor told me he couldn't test my FSH this cycle because it's the first period after my miscarriage and it wouldn't be accurate. My HCG is 9, which is good because it's almost gone, but my body is still healing...

I need to remember that I was able to get pregnant. I need to remember that 2 obgyns, and one endocrynologist all told me my FSH did not have anything to do with my miscarriage. I need to remember that acupuncture helps lower FSH and stimulate egg growth-- which is probably why I was able to get pregnant-- only after 8 acupuncture treatments. I also need to remember that every doctor that I have been to has told me that I will get pregnant and have a healthy child. And finally-- I need to remember that it took us a year to get pregnant which is considered average. STOP THE PANIC.

Until I get my FSH results next cycle, I can stop thinking about it now. I am getting over my miscarriage now. My body is healing itself, and I did have a healthy period exactly 4 weeks after the miscarriage. So after one more cycle after this one (per doc's orders) we will start to try again. In the meantime I will continue to take care of myself, and pray that my FSH goes back down and I will have a healthy baby FAST.

I'm really looking forward to meeting Dr. Chang next week- his book just came out "What Your Doctors May Not be Telling You About Getting Pregnant" By Raymond Chang, MD. I have been reading it and it's full of great information. It's helping me stay positive which is so important right now.

I think the sooner the I start to believe I will get pregnant and let nature take control and just let go a little-- the sooner I will have a healthy pregnancy.

Nerves...

As today is day 3 of flo, I went to get a bloodtest to see how my FSH is and they are also making sure my HCG is gone... I am nervous. In November and December my FSH was 10. Not horrible. When I switched doctors in January it was 16-- but he tested it on day 1 which I don't get, anyway, it's not good. But then the next month I got pregnant, so I'm praying right now that it's down and maybe the acupuncture decreased it which led to me getting pregnant.

I'm scared he's going to tell me it's higher than 16. These are my irrational fears that my husband hates. I hate it too-- it's my mother's fault. She is a HUGE worrier and I got some of that from her--why couldn't I get her fertility instead??? Ugh. I want it to be 6pm so I will hopefully know the results and please please please let them be good.

The nurse that took my blood today said to me "why is it that it's the good people that have to go through this?" And I wanted to ask her if she had been through this too but I didn't know if that was too personal so I didn't. But regardless, it was nice to have a medical professional be so sensitive to me-- when most haven't been.

The sun is shining here today, it's supposed to be in the 80's. Spring is here, and yet inside I feel like there are dark clouds all around me and I'm fighting so hard to push them out of the way and let the sun in... G-d please help me do this.

I must have faith.

Well She's Baaaaack.....

So flo is officially here as of yesterday-- exactly 4 weeks to the day since my miscarriage.

I just can't believe the body knows how to do this. But I have always had 27-28 cycles. But the strangest part is that for the first time since I am 12 years old (when I met old Auntie Flo) I did not have ONE single symptom-- and for all these years have always had sore breasts and cramps. So my acupuncturist was happy when I told her this and my doctor was glad AF showed up. And that's really it.

So I'm back to drinking my rasberry leaf tea, going to fertility yoga, and sticking to acupuncture. Other than that-- trying to live as stress-free as possible. But it's hard and I have to remind myself to relax daily.

This is a new beginning for us and I pray it won't be a long journey this time and we will be parents of a healthy baby very very very soon.... amen.

Could it Be?

I think flo just came! I have no symptoms and totally didn't expect it. It's been exactly 4 weeks and I can't believe my body is working like this. Is the acupuncture really working? It's really light but it looks like it does when it usually just starts. I hope this is it and will signify the start of a new chapter for us. Waiting for call back from doctor- see what he thinks....
Going to acupunture today too-- wonder what she'll say.... yowza!

Odd One Out

This weekend we celebrated both my sister's and dad's birthday. Of course my brother and his wife chose a restaurant that was so kid-friendly, we may as well have set up a table at the maternity ward of the local hospital.

The painful psychological remnants of my recent miscarriage were in full swing and I felt so alone, sad, and angry. I so want to be like these women. Holding my baby, being called "mommy"-- I watched my brother with his kids and I felt such a lump in my stomach.

I was so blatantly reminded of what I didn't have.

But I sucked it up and put on my smile for dad and sis.

Anyway this Sunday will be a double dose of that-- when I will once again be the only non-mother in the room when we celebrate Mother's day (mom's bday that day too!) with my mom and then with Dave's mom. All the siblings will be there with their kids and I will once again be the odd one out. This is the first time I will see all the kids since the miscarriage so it's pretty hard right now... I came so close to being on the road to motherhood this year. So unfair.

Last night marked the 4 week anniversary since that horrible night. And still no aunt flo, and no symptoms. I pray it comes this month so I can feel as if my life is somewhat moving forward, and we can start trying again...

Looking forward to therapy tonight. I'm feeling pretty down right now.

Empowered

So this Sunday will be 4 weeks since that horrible night when I expelled the pregnancy. That means sometime between this Sunday and 2 weeks from Sunday good old Auntie Flo should appear and I can resume my cycles and make us this baby. So the countdown officially begins on Sunday. Right now though I have no PMS symptoms, and I ALWAYS have painful boobs before flo. So just waiting.... I hate waiting... Last Thursday my HCG had dropped to 48 (in the course of 3 weeks it went from 30,000 to 2,000 to 48). So I suspect my HCG won't be zero until maybe next week, which means I'll probably see Flo around May 15th-- PLEASE.

Anyway-- I did 2 things today to help me feel empowered.

1. I made an appointment with Dr. Raymond Cheng who heads up the acupuncture center I go to (2x a week!) to talk about diet and whether I should start taking herbs. I had been doing acupuncture for 2 cycles when I got pregnant without herbs, but I thought it if would help speed things up and if they're not harmful- then why not? So that made me feel good-- I find that during this whole struggle with trying to conceive any amount of control I can have over all of this helps. So I will do whatever it takes-- naturally--- to get pregnant.

2. I signed up for an orientation to volunteer next week. I'm thinking either feeding the hungry, planting a garden in the city, working with kids or the elderly. I'm pretty open. I have learned- especially this past year and 4 months of trying to conceive, getting pregnant, miscarriage, doing treatments and IUIs, that giving to people, helping people, makes me feel so relaxed. When you help others, you forget about your own problems and it really takes away the stress- even for a short time. It just feels so good. So I may be helping these people out-- but in reality-- they are helping ME.

Anyhoo, I felt empowered today. I felt hopeful and productive. And any positive feeling I have right now is worth writing about and remembering-- because these days it's been a rarity.