Tired & Scared
I feel overcome with sadness today. I just want to cry. My eyes are tearing up as I'm writing.
Maybe my hormones are out of whack.
I'm on day 12 of my cycle and I'm worried that I won't have an LH surge this month. I have always gotten the surge and now I am fearing that I've run out of eggs. Logically I realize this is an irrational fear, since my period came exactly 4 weeks to the day after my miscarriage and I do see some whitish, yellowish, stringy mucus. But this morning there was no smiley face on my ovulation stick and I'm worried I won't see one... I know this is silly, it's day 12 and it can come anytime between now and I'll give it till next Tuesday-- but I still feel scared/sad.
I'm tired of thinking about my vagina, and my mucus, and my eggs. I am trying so hard to fight the sadness and the hopelessness and the exhaustion-- but it seems that today, I'm losing the fight.
I miss my little pea pod. I miss that unbelievable happiness we felt when I was pregnant. I miss that sense of relief I finally felt. I miss that feeling of not having to think about ovulation kits, and timed sex. I miss that sense of freedom I finally got back in my life. I miss having painful boobs and knowing that was a good pain. I miss not having to wait-- waiting for ovulation, waiting for pregnancy results. I AM SO SICK OF WAITING.
I want to have this all back and I get so overwhelmed with fear that it won't happen.
I think once I see that smiley face on the ovulation kit, I'll feel better. I'll feel like my body is working. I pray my miscarriage didn't change anything for the worst...
PLEASE HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS.
Maybe my hormones are out of whack.
I'm on day 12 of my cycle and I'm worried that I won't have an LH surge this month. I have always gotten the surge and now I am fearing that I've run out of eggs. Logically I realize this is an irrational fear, since my period came exactly 4 weeks to the day after my miscarriage and I do see some whitish, yellowish, stringy mucus. But this morning there was no smiley face on my ovulation stick and I'm worried I won't see one... I know this is silly, it's day 12 and it can come anytime between now and I'll give it till next Tuesday-- but I still feel scared/sad.
I'm tired of thinking about my vagina, and my mucus, and my eggs. I am trying so hard to fight the sadness and the hopelessness and the exhaustion-- but it seems that today, I'm losing the fight.
I miss my little pea pod. I miss that unbelievable happiness we felt when I was pregnant. I miss that sense of relief I finally felt. I miss that feeling of not having to think about ovulation kits, and timed sex. I miss that sense of freedom I finally got back in my life. I miss having painful boobs and knowing that was a good pain. I miss not having to wait-- waiting for ovulation, waiting for pregnancy results. I AM SO SICK OF WAITING.
I want to have this all back and I get so overwhelmed with fear that it won't happen.
I think once I see that smiley face on the ovulation kit, I'll feel better. I'll feel like my body is working. I pray my miscarriage didn't change anything for the worst...
PLEASE HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS.
posted by Here I am @ 10:26 AM
2 Comments:
At 12:00 PM ,
Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...
I am soo sorry. I'm sorry for your miscarriage, and sorry you feel this way today. I can't imagine feeling that relief of IF being behind you, only to have it crash back down. Take care of yourself today. I'm sure that OPK smiley face will appear.
Thanks for leaving your note on my blog! I'll keep checking in on you. Best of luck this month.
At 6:04 PM ,
Christy said...
Oh you really speak the truth about missing the feelings of relief that came with being pregnant. I miss that too. And the thought of starting over overwhelms me. Try not to make yourself crazy with those little sticks. Back in the hayday I would pee on 2 of them a day, once in the morning, and once in the evening! It was expensive too! It will happen, you will surge. Your fertility will not change drastically in just a couple of months, according to my doctor. Since my miscarriage I have also been worried that I will never ovulate again and that my ovaries are simply going to take a permanent vacation. My D&C was only a week and a half ago. On a wim I peed on one of those pesky sticks today, and the surge is there. So be patient my friend, and have faith.
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