Nerves...

As today is day 3 of flo, I went to get a bloodtest to see how my FSH is and they are also making sure my HCG is gone... I am nervous. In November and December my FSH was 10. Not horrible. When I switched doctors in January it was 16-- but he tested it on day 1 which I don't get, anyway, it's not good. But then the next month I got pregnant, so I'm praying right now that it's down and maybe the acupuncture decreased it which led to me getting pregnant.

I'm scared he's going to tell me it's higher than 16. These are my irrational fears that my husband hates. I hate it too-- it's my mother's fault. She is a HUGE worrier and I got some of that from her--why couldn't I get her fertility instead??? Ugh. I want it to be 6pm so I will hopefully know the results and please please please let them be good.

The nurse that took my blood today said to me "why is it that it's the good people that have to go through this?" And I wanted to ask her if she had been through this too but I didn't know if that was too personal so I didn't. But regardless, it was nice to have a medical professional be so sensitive to me-- when most haven't been.

The sun is shining here today, it's supposed to be in the 80's. Spring is here, and yet inside I feel like there are dark clouds all around me and I'm fighting so hard to push them out of the way and let the sun in... G-d please help me do this.

I must have faith.