A New Chapter

I finally stopped bleeding a week ago and was allowed to go to the mikvah last night. Even though I'm not completely observant, going to the mikvah for me has become such a beautiful, spiritual and meaningful experience. But this time it was hard.

When I got there the mikvah attendant said to me "oh you've been here before" and I told her I had, but it had been a while, and then I just broke down and told her about my recent miscarriage. She was sorry and I told her I just didnt think I'd be back so soon.

So I went to my room to shower and prepare myself and I cried a lot. I knew it would be hard but I didn't think I had any tears left. I finally got myself together and she was ready for me.

I immersed myself in the water the first time and I asked G-d to heal my body quickly. I then said the blessing with my hands crossed over my waist. Then I immersed again and asked G-d for a healthy pregnancy this time, and then I immersed the final and third time and asked G-d to make it all happen quickly this time. I found myself more relaxed under water than ever before. Usually I go in and come out really fast because the water is going up my nose. But this time, I let myself stay under for just a little longer. I wanted to really feel it and take my time.

The attendant announced that I was "kosher" and let me stay there for a minute alone. I prayed HARD. In Judaism I have heard that G-d really hears your prayers in the mikvah and while lighting the Sabbath candles. And trust me, I wanted Him to really hear me this time.

I finally left the water, got dressed and walked home.

I felt like a chapter had been closed and I was putting this horrible miscarriage behind me. The waters of the mikvah washed away my sadness, my depression, and I emerged a NEW woman--- a STRONGER woman.

I felt at peace with myself, and I believed for the first time while walking home last night that I was going to get pregnant very soon-- if my body could do it this time, it will do it again and this time-- I will meet the child I was meant to have because I believe that G-d wants me to have a healthy child.

I am here today at work and that newness hasn't been forgotten. I woke up this morning and my usual sadness and hopelessness wasn't there. I felt different and I have put this miscarriage behind me. I am grateful that this water, as crazy as it may sound somehow was able to rinse away all my negativity-- I feel alive again. I can and I WILL do this.