Nervous Excitement
This is a big week for us, although I am trying to "pretend" it's not.
I am really working hard at not stressing out and just going with the flow (ha ha no pun intended!).
You see, being Jewish, I observe the Jewish law of going to the mikvah-- this is the body of pure water that a Jewish woman immerses herself in after she is done with her period. But there are rules here. After the 5th day of my period, I have to count 7 clean days, which then puts me at day 12 of my cycle (the mikvah corresponds to the fertility cycle-- and if your cycle doesn't work with these rules, there are ways to work around that; my cycle happens to work well with this, as I ovulate between day 12-15).
Anyway, on day 12 I can go to the mikvah where I immerse myself 3 times under water and I am then pronounced "kosher"-- and I can (finally) have relations with my husband(I am to abstain from having relations with my husband during these 12 "unclean" days).
It sounds a little odd to do this in the modern world, and I never thought I would observe this custom but I truly have come to love it so much. When I come out of that water, I feel like I've been reborn, I am a new person and have left my sorrows behind me in that water.
I feel ready to embark on whatever it is that I have before me. And not to mention it really makes our sex lives so much more exciting; the waiting, the anticipating those 12 days, it's like we're dating again or something-- I am wanted by my husband and that is a great feeling.
So this Friday is the day I will go to the mikvah and it will also be the day we begin trying again. I feel scared and nervous and excited and hopeful, and worried and everything else that is making me jumpy and antsy.
I have so many mixed emotions now. I think about how this Thanksgiving would have been my due date and I get so sad about that. But then I think that I will be pregnant by then, so the sadness will be gone, and I will have a new happiness to look forward to. But then the worried me creeps in and I think well what if I'm not pregnant by then?
We said 6 months of trying naturally now and then we will go back to the RE. I like having a plan-- I just don't want to have to use it.
Yesterday I spent the day cooking, which is so relaxing for me. I made meatballs with mashed string beans (yum!), roasted chicken with whole garlic, zucchini cakes, salad. A feast. It is meant for the week and if I had more stuff in the fridge, I would have made more. I thank my mom for my love of cooking and creativity with food. I think about working in food once I am a mom. I really love it, and it would enable me to work from home...
Anyway-- for now I will do my best to just relax. I have acupuncture tomorrow, so that will help. And I will look forward to a beautiful and spiritual weekend with my husband and just enjoy it all.... (and maybe even create life while we're "enjoying each other")
I am really working hard at not stressing out and just going with the flow (ha ha no pun intended!).
You see, being Jewish, I observe the Jewish law of going to the mikvah-- this is the body of pure water that a Jewish woman immerses herself in after she is done with her period. But there are rules here. After the 5th day of my period, I have to count 7 clean days, which then puts me at day 12 of my cycle (the mikvah corresponds to the fertility cycle-- and if your cycle doesn't work with these rules, there are ways to work around that; my cycle happens to work well with this, as I ovulate between day 12-15).
Anyway, on day 12 I can go to the mikvah where I immerse myself 3 times under water and I am then pronounced "kosher"-- and I can (finally) have relations with my husband(I am to abstain from having relations with my husband during these 12 "unclean" days).
It sounds a little odd to do this in the modern world, and I never thought I would observe this custom but I truly have come to love it so much. When I come out of that water, I feel like I've been reborn, I am a new person and have left my sorrows behind me in that water.
I feel ready to embark on whatever it is that I have before me. And not to mention it really makes our sex lives so much more exciting; the waiting, the anticipating those 12 days, it's like we're dating again or something-- I am wanted by my husband and that is a great feeling.
So this Friday is the day I will go to the mikvah and it will also be the day we begin trying again. I feel scared and nervous and excited and hopeful, and worried and everything else that is making me jumpy and antsy.
I have so many mixed emotions now. I think about how this Thanksgiving would have been my due date and I get so sad about that. But then I think that I will be pregnant by then, so the sadness will be gone, and I will have a new happiness to look forward to. But then the worried me creeps in and I think well what if I'm not pregnant by then?
We said 6 months of trying naturally now and then we will go back to the RE. I like having a plan-- I just don't want to have to use it.
Yesterday I spent the day cooking, which is so relaxing for me. I made meatballs with mashed string beans (yum!), roasted chicken with whole garlic, zucchini cakes, salad. A feast. It is meant for the week and if I had more stuff in the fridge, I would have made more. I thank my mom for my love of cooking and creativity with food. I think about working in food once I am a mom. I really love it, and it would enable me to work from home...
Anyway-- for now I will do my best to just relax. I have acupuncture tomorrow, so that will help. And I will look forward to a beautiful and spiritual weekend with my husband and just enjoy it all.... (and maybe even create life while we're "enjoying each other")
posted by Here I am @ 10:05 AM
3 Comments:
At 1:14 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Wow, I am coming to your house for dinner! I felt so accomplished with our pork chops Sunday, LOL!
I find your customs from your religion very interesting. I am not a very religious person, I believe that there is someone there, just not the omnipotent, all-knowing person most religions believe in. So I find it very interesting to read about and learn about other religious customs. I would love to hear more of the things that you do and believe in. Very, very interesting to me! I hope that it is this belief that will carry you through these trying times and also, ultimately, be the source of your intended happiness (i.e. BABY!!).
Look forward to talking to you alter. Have a great week.
At 3:02 PM ,
Christy said...
What an exciting week for you, especially since you have so much to look forward to. I happen to really like your 6 month plan, since it is the same plan we have as well. As a planner, I always gotta have that plan! I'm sure you can relate. I can also relate with all of your feelings of anticipation and worry and hope and despair. Infertility does bring along the gift of every emotion known to mankind, doesn't it? Well, I'm right here with you and holding your hope for you.
At 4:42 PM ,
Natalie said...
Your comment about liking having a plan but not wanting to use it is really really good. I've got a new plan right now - to enjoy and exercise and focus on other things - but while I'm feeling pretty good about it, there is a part of me deep down that wishes I didn't need a plan like that.
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