Mama Me (Take 2)

Well.... in the last entry I wrote that I would not be stepping foot in a doctor's office unless A) I was pregnant or B) it's October and I'm still not pregnant. Well guess what??? Tomorrow I am making an appointment with my obgyn because it's "A".

Yes, according to two Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy tests, I am pregnant!

I cannot believe that this is happening. I never expected this. I felt so hopeless this month and never thought for a minute that it would happen.

I usually get my period on day 27. And when that day came and went, I thought to myself, ok, it will definitely happen the next day. But then day 28 passed, and day 29 passed and I started thinking that it might actually be possible. My boobs have been a bit painful and I have been feeling tired, and again, I am never late with my period. But what kept stopping me from testing is that I couldn't fathom that I could actually be pregnant with all the poking in my "hoohaa" that went on this cycle, AND that it was only 3 months post the miscarriage. So today, only two days late, I told Dave, let's just test and know and the tests confirmed it. It's really happening. I don't know what to do with myself. It is beyond anything I could have imagined....

Yes, we are so grateful and happy. I mean, never did I imagine that I'd get pregnant so soon after the miscarriage even though I tried to stay positive.

The fact is so much of what we feel right now is combined with a huge amount of fear. It just sucks to go through a year of trying with no results, to a pregnancy (finally) and then a miscarriage at 7 weeks (no more heartbeat) only three months ago.

It's like we know TOO much and that takes away from feeling completely joyful right now..

And although that was then and this is now, the past year and half are still very much a part of us, and it's hard to just relax and be completely happy. I tell Dave that at least in this moment I am pregnant and the best part right now is that it only took 3 months post miscarriage for it to happen (naturally!!!) which confirms that I CAN DO THIS.

At this moment, I am filled with so much angst, excitement, nervousness, and butterflies. I am beyond scared of the doctor's appointment. Poor Dave can't stop pacing and bouncing around. We want to jump out of our skin. But still, I have to thank G-d for giving us this precious gift and I pray this time it turns out to be a healthy baby.

That's done, now onto the next thing...

Well there is going to be NO surgery.

I went to the head doctor and surgeon of endometriosis and laproscopy of a highly respectable hospital and he was appalled that this new RE thought I needed surgery because of my left ovary which happened to be near my uterus. In fact he said two things which made me really trust him: 1) If I was his daughter and showed him my pelvic scan results, he would never allow me to have surgery and 2) if I went to him as a surgeon to perform this surgery, he would turn me away. Number one; if my tubes are clear and I ovulate then the egg can still reach the tube, so surgery won't change anything. Number two; I did get pregnant naturally just three months ago so why would I need surgery?
He then told me (And I think Chris mentioned this too) that ovaries can move a bit. Well, he did an ultra sound and my left ovary wasn't even touching my uterus today. SO THERE! And for the record he knows this new RE and told me he is "weird" and not respected. I will not be seeing the new RE anymore. He put me through so much crap these past 2 weeks, when all along I had a feeling he was nuts. I have been under so much stress, and for what? I am certain stress does not help me get pregnant and I can't be getting stressed like this from crazy doctors who treat their patients like pin cushions and cause worry for no reason!

Now another thing-- this doc from today happens to be my former RE and told me that all the blood tests they had done (HIV. Hep C, etc) were fine, except that I'm showing positive surface antigens to Hep B, but negative antibodies, which means I don't have Hep B but I've either been exposed to it or am immune to it. So they took three more tubes of blood and I'll know tomorrow if i need to be monitored for it. He said that would be the worst case scenario because I definitely don't have it. I'm a little worried, but he reassured me it was really not a big deal as did the nurses, and as did my brother who is a pharmacist.

I am SO sick of doctors and medical stuff. After this Hep B stuff, I am not setting foot into another Dr. office unless a) I'm pregnant b) it's Oct./Nov. and I'm still not pregnant (we were going to do the natural thing for 6 months, but the doc today told me I should really wait till Oct. We shall see.

I need another vacation from all of this.

The Confusion Continues

So I went to the world renown doc yesterday to have a pelvic scan and while everything looked normal, my left ovary is indeed adhered to my uterus. HOWEVER, the renown doc said that he has never heard of this affecting fertility or pregnancy. He also pointed out that my organs were normal -- in fact he said that my uterus is "perfect" and I also reminded him that my HSG was normal indicating that my tubes were clear. While he cannot disagree out loud with the new RE's feeling that I should have surgery to fix the position of my ovary, he did make it clear more than once that he has never heard of this affecting fertility.

OK-- so I feel good about this and Dave agrees that we should not mess with things if they're not broke.

Well today I speak to the new RE and he tells me the next step is surgery to fix this! I say what??? WHY? So he tells me because there must be scar tissue adhering the ovary to the uterus. I tell him that renown doc said it doesn't matter though. So he tells me that they agree on diagnosis but disagree on interpretation and I should get another opinion.

I am so stressed out over this. I don't know what to do. I have a call in to my obgyn and former RE to get 2 more opinions. I just don't see how getting surgery will affect anything. I am being driven nuts by this guy-- but I don't know if he's right or not!

So waiting to hear back from obgyn now, and have an appointment with former RE (who is world renown but was a bit of a "salesman" -- yet he's so respected in his expertise that I do trust what he says).

This just sucks. If everyone agrees that I do not need the surgery, I won't be seeing this new RE anymore. I appreciate his diligence to find me a diagnosis, but I'm a human being and surgery is a big deal and I'm really not in the mood to be put under just so he can rule something out. No way.

If this won't help me get pregnant then I don't want it. So I need two more opinions and we'll go from there. I'm pissed off though-- last night I thought we were done with this crap, but I was wrong.

More Confusion

So last night after speaking with my therapist she recommended I call the ultra sound facility that I have an appointment with for tomorrow for my pelvic scan to see if the timing is safe. Since I just ovulated would the scan interfere with implantation, etc.

Well good thing I called because while they said it would not interfere with anything, they do like to do the scan between day 7 and 9 of the cycle; it's more accurate. The other thing the nurse told me was that if I have never had pelvic disease or ovarian cysts and my HSG was normal, it's a little odd that my doctor thinks I might have scar tissue. So now I'm really confused. Is he just sending me on these trips for no reason, to drive me more crazy? Does he know what he's talking about?

I have a call in to this doctor to see what he wants me to do. Regardless, I now have to get the scan because for my own piece of mind I want to make sure everything is normal. The question is do I wait and see if I get my period this month and go between day 7 and 9, or do I go now.

I hate this. Forget relaxing -- I am so wound up and frustrated. I feel negative and hopeless-- exactly the opposite of how I usually feel this time of the month. In fact right now I just want to give up and stop all of this. I am just so tired inside.

UPDATE: Spoke to the doctor and he said for this purpose (checking my ovary) I do not have to wait and can go in tomorrow. I am so scared-- my hypochondriac brain is taking over and I fear they will find something worse. I also feel like any chance of getting pregnant this month is now gone because look at me. I am a mess. Aren't you supposed to relax and feel positive right now? I'm doing the exact opposite and I'm certain it will affect my body. But you know what, when I've been hopeful I've been let down anyway. So does it really matter anymore??? I'm just so angry at my life right now.

Confusion & Fear

Well we went to a new RE this weekend.

He is definitely different from the others I've been to and the ones I've read about. He is extremely personable, attentive, not rushed, looks at me as me and not as though I am like every woman that is having problems conceiving. He does not believe that fertility drugs are for everyone and most important-- he does not accept the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. He believes that everything comes from something and at my age, it should not have taken me 11 months to conceive. Well... OK.

After we spoke for over an hour, we decided that Dave needs to go to a urologist and have a full checkup-- even though he already did the sperm analysis (and everything was fine), this RE felt that it's not enough information and should go for a full exam. So Dave agreed, why not, right?

Then we decided that if I get my period this month, he will do a slew of blood tests that will look further into whether or not my issue is egg quality-- he explained there are blood tests done throughout the course of a cycle. I think I've only ever had blood drawn on day 3 and possibly after ovulation-- but I don't remember anymore.

However-- now this plan may change....

After we spoke he did an tranvaginal ultra sound on me (boy, have I missed those!). This was day 15 of my cycle and sure enough I had a nice big follicle ready for release any minute in my right ovary... (good thing because my ovulation kit did give me a smiley face the day before indicating an LH surge and we were baby dancing quite a bit this weekend)...

But then he moved to the LEFT ovary and suddenly he seemed to notice something. He saw that my left ovary was too close to my uterus, like it was practically plastered onto it. He thinks there is scar tissue there causing this and he believes that this could be a big part of why it took me a while to get pregnant. My right ovary is in the correct place, however given that the left one is so close to the uterus, it might be taking longer for the sperm and egg to meet, and possibly hurting my chances of getting pregnant whenever I ovulate from that ovary. This is HIS thought.

WHAT??? I must have had at least 25 ultra sounds in the past year and no one ever mentioned the positioning of my ovary being a problem. However, I have noticed when they moved that ultra sound stick in me, they do have a to struggle a bit to get to the left ovary. But no one ever said it was a problem....

So I'm freaking out a bit.

The RE wants me to go to get a second opinion with a world renown specialist in tranvaginal ultrasounds (which also happens to be the same place where I went to have the viability scan that showed no fetal heartbeat when I was pregnant in April-- yay).

So I have an appointment for this Wednesday. I am taking the day off because I am SO scared. If the second opinion believes this should be fixed and it will help me get pregnant than I have to go in for a laparoscopy and remove the scar tissue. I have never had any kind of surgery and I am so scared, the thought of it makes me nauseous, in fact I haven't eaten since yesterday because I am so nervous.

David reminds me that while it does suck that I may have to have this (very common) surgery, it could very well be the solution to our problem... The other piece of good news is that this cycle I ovulated from my right ovary which is in its normal position-- so maybe I won't need any of this (yeah right, not feeling too positive these days).

So we basically need to confirm that this is the case and if so, will it increase my chances of getting pregnant?

Overall I feel pretty low, even though maybe I should be happy, because we might have a problem that can be fixed and lead to everything we have dreamed of. But I don't want any problems like this. I want to get pregnant easily like everyone else in my life and have a healthy baby. I am sick of this crap and just want a normal life.

So this is my life, and right now we are in full swing here on this roller coaster ride and I would do anything to get off...

Just Blue....

I've been feeling blue these past few days. Tired, annoyed, angry, and frustrated about all of this. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's been hard to shake off. Nothing specific has happened-- I guess it's just the thought of having to fight so hard to have a healthy child and missing my life when I could laugh freely and just be truly happy without this dark cloud lurking above me on a daily basis.

I've been especially angry at people who have children-- like my brother. My niece's birthday is in a month and it will be a huge, blown out affair. My brother is 31 years old and has two children. His son is fours years old and he's such a great kid. My niece was born three months premature and it truly is a miracle that she is here and alive and just perfect.
So my brother and his wife go all out with her birthdays; I'm talking magicians, petting zoo, catered food, etc. and everyone in the world that has a child will be there, including my extended family, who also happen to be really nosy (i.e. "So what's new with you? When are you finally going to have a baby?) UGH. It truly is the kind of event that really reminds you of what you don't have but want so much, and you just can't help but feel bad.

Coincidentally that day we have a trip booked for a night in Atlantic City (also timed around my cycle). For now I think we're going to keep this trip and skip the birthday party.

I know it's family-- but this birthday is like the mother ship of the "in your face, look at my child, see how wonderful it is to have kids, what, you don't have kids yet" party.

And I can see myself showing up and literally throwing up when I get there and crying for days afterwards. IS this worth it? No. Especially when just recently my brother didn't even remember that I was at his niece's birthday last year. (Which by the way, we had been trying for six months then and the panic of never having a child was just starting to set in and I cried to my aunt in the bathroom about feeling scared and sad about not yet being pregnant-- and here we are a year later and still no baby).

I realize that I shouldn't be thinking of myself and go for my niece, but in this case and my current life status-- I would have to be a robot to be able to do that.... THIS is my worst nightmare kind of place to be right now.... and my family happens to not really get it, which makes it ten times worse. I guess we'll have to tell them we had a trip planned for that day (and by the way, we didn't know the birthday was on the day we planned the trip, as her actual birthday is a week later....). My brother and his wife will be pissed, but in the scheme of life, I hope they will get over it, as they know that I am and have been a very caring aunt.

Anyway, I'm just feeling fed up and worn out. Everywhere I look, I see pregnant women, and women pushing their strollers and I think to myself, why not me? WHY? They make it look so easy, and here I am doing anything and everything to make this happen-- and then when it finally does, I have a miscarriage and we have to get back on this hellish roller coaster ride. It just sucks so much. $%^&*&!!!^%$#$#@@!!@!@!!

I'm going to see a new RE tomorrow. Not sure why. We've already been to two REs and are going natural for a little while, as I was able to get pregnant naturally. This particular RE helped a friend of my mom's and she couldn't stop raving about him, so I thought why not. All I really want is for him to tell me that nothing is wrong and I will have a child very soon. Because as much as I'd like there to be a problem to fix, I still would rather have my body working right to begin with- if that makes any sense.

I just pray I get rewarded very soon with a healthy baby in my arms after all of this-- and to all the women out there in the same boat, I pray the same for you as well...

And Life Goes On...

We came home last night from our week on Cape Cod.

It was a really wonderful trip. The weather was perfect; the sun shining, cool breeze in the background. We were surrounded by lush landscapes and clear blue water; crisp and alive.

Our favorite day was the day spent on Nantucket Island. It is a gorgeous place, wild flowers growing along the sand dunes and the most beautiful green blue water, the color so pure and calming, it was like holding a turquoise stone in your hand and feeling its smooth texture-- this was what that water was like. The waves crashing in front of us while we sat under our new umbrella with the green flowers and I in my new turquoise bikini matching that gorgeous water. And Dave, my amazing husband, kind and gentle-- just enjoying life, as he always manages to do even when he shouldn't be able to. And me--- well, I did my best to keep life in perspective and remind myself of that hope I carry around with me in my back pocket.

My period came the night we arrived and I cried and cried. I cried into the next day and then cried some more after that. I didn't think that would happen. This was our first time trying since the miscarriage and I thought I would be okay if my period came. But I wasn't. The fear of wondering if we were back on that horrible, horrible year long journey of trying was in full swing and I was/am hating it.

By the third day I pulled that hope out of my back pocket and it's here with me right now slowly creeping its way back into my heart.

I have hope because I have no other choice.

So life goes on and we begin again, and for this I am ALWAYS thankful.