Random Thoughts...

So thanks to all for leaving comments on my "HERE I AM" entry. I actually was a little nervous about posting a photo of myself, but then I thought why should I be? If someone recognizes me, then what's the worst that will happen? Nothing.

I think it's important to know that the faces behind the struggles with fertility are faces that we see walking down the street, at work, in the supermarket, on the bus-- anywhere.

I am just a regular girl who so badly wants a child of her own -- and I am proud of that desire.

Anyway... This weekend was fun, but so exhausting. Had about 15 people over yesterday to celebrate my cousin Jill's birthday. I am still recovering this morning. But the good news is that this is my last week at work and then I am off for two whole weeks! YAY! We are leaving for Cape Cod this weekend and will be gone for a whole week-- no computers- just beach and laziness, and lounging around... (and maybe even some good news in my belly....)

HERE I AM

I have decided to "come out of the closet". So here I am....

It feels good to show myself. I am proud of my life and my journey. I wish it could be easier for sure, but this is the life I was given and I have no choice but to make the most of it.

A Calm (Temporary) Wave...

I have been feeling really calm lately. I think the first week of the two week wait is always like a "vacation" for me. By next week I know my nerves will kick in and I'll be a wreck- waiting, wondering, grabbing my boobs, looking for those precious signs-- holding onto whatever hope I have in me.

But for now-- all is calm. I am enjoying my life.

Today my sister graduates high school! She is 18. Yes, we are 16 years apart. I have a brother who is 31 too though. When I was 16, I came home from high school one day and my mom greets me at the door and tells me she is pregnant! Imagine being 16 and hearing this? I was thrilled but slightly grossed out-- I mean no teenager wants to know about their parents "doing it"-- right? Anyway-- she was 40 years old at the time and had not planned on having anymore children. Back then it wasn't as common for 40 year olds to be pregnant, so she was concerned and wasn't even sure if she'd keep it. Thankfully she did and I have a wonderful, beautiful sister who I love so much. But what's interesting is that when I told my RE about my mom having a child at 40 years old, he told me that would work well in my favor because fertility is usually passed on from your mom. Well-- we'll see about that.... My mom also told me it took her a year to get pregnant with me (she was 23 at the time though! which is a little different than being 34)... But anyway, I digress.

We have a full fun weekend ahead of us- Mets game tomorrow night, dinner with engaged friends on Saturday night (no chance of getting surprised pregnancy news there), cousin's birthday, and my family is coming over on Sunday and I am hosting a late brunch. Should all be fun.

But again-- I know me and I know I will be secretly panicking next week, but putting on a calm face and pretending I'm not counting the days... yeah right.

Leaving shortly for acupuncture, I'm addicted.

p.s. Thanks to everyone in blogland for leaving comments. It's so nice to know that people I have never met care and support me. In many ways I have felt more free and have been more myself around you all than to people in my real life. So thank you for this.

A New Day

Well tonight I am going to mikvah and I will come out a new woman, recharged, and fertile!

We are going to NJ this weekend and staying in a woodsey area, kind of like camping but we're sleeping indoors (I'm not into the bug thing:).

Still, it will be cozy and it will just be us, and that's all I want right now.

Right now I am grateful that we can start trying again and I am thankful for the multiple chances we get in life. This, I feel is a HUGE luxury and I don't take it for granted.

I pray we make a life this weekend.... and if it's not the right time, then please give me the strength to remember that I do have chances in this life to make it happen and one day soon I will be a mother to a healthy baby...amen.

Annoyed At My Current Life

I hate that I get annoyed with family functions these days. I hate that my current life situation has put me in a position where I am sad on Mother's Day, Father's Day, baby announcements, kids' birthdays, etc.

I so want to be happy for everyone and enjoy these happy occassions. But I have to really fight these inner battles I have. I try so hard to step outside of my own life and celebrate Mother's Day and the nieces and nephews birthdays and whatever other family functions come along. But there are too many moments of weakness and I break down and get angry and annoyed and I hate to say it-- jealous --- of everyone that gets to have what I want so bad; a child.

This Sunday is Father's Day and it's also the first time since the miscarriage that we will be able to try again. I want to stay grounded, relaxed, and positive; I need to hold on to the inner peace I have been holding on to this week. But just now my mother annoyed me by asking me what she should get my brother for Father's Day. First of all, why is she getting my brother a father's day gift?-- He's not her father. But regardless it annoyed me because my younger brother gets to be a father while we sit and wait, and stuggle, and wait, and struggle, and wait some more.

Luckily, I will not be attending my family's Father's Day celebration this weekend because I told them I couldn't and we will be seeing them the following weekend. The truth is, we probably could have- but we are having lunch with David's family that same day, and then I just want to go home and relax.

I don't want to spend the day with both families, I don't want to see my sister-in-law's sister's new baby, I don't want to feel like the freak in the room that doesn't have the baby (who also happens to be the oldest of the siblings too).

I want to keep myself in my peaceful, relaxed world and not let those voices/thoughts in. Clarity, Peace, Serenity.... (Have you heard Fergie's new song?)

My therapist tells me it is completely normal to feel this way, given my sitation.

BUT I HATE MY SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My inner voice is now taking over:
Breathe in, breathe out. Let it go. You have a beautfiul weekend to look forward to with your husband, do whatever feels right for you. You don't have to answer to anyone. Everyone puts their own lives first, so you do the same. This is only a temporary situation. You will be a mother. That's right.

Nervous Excitement

This is a big week for us, although I am trying to "pretend" it's not.

I am really working hard at not stressing out and just going with the flow (ha ha no pun intended!).

You see, being Jewish, I observe the Jewish law of going to the mikvah-- this is the body of pure water that a Jewish woman immerses herself in after she is done with her period. But there are rules here. After the 5th day of my period, I have to count 7 clean days, which then puts me at day 12 of my cycle (the mikvah corresponds to the fertility cycle-- and if your cycle doesn't work with these rules, there are ways to work around that; my cycle happens to work well with this, as I ovulate between day 12-15).

Anyway, on day 12 I can go to the mikvah where I immerse myself 3 times under water and I am then pronounced "kosher"-- and I can (finally) have relations with my husband(I am to abstain from having relations with my husband during these 12 "unclean" days).

It sounds a little odd to do this in the modern world, and I never thought I would observe this custom but I truly have come to love it so much. When I come out of that water, I feel like I've been reborn, I am a new person and have left my sorrows behind me in that water.
I feel ready to embark on whatever it is that I have before me. And not to mention it really makes our sex lives so much more exciting; the waiting, the anticipating those 12 days, it's like we're dating again or something-- I am wanted by my husband and that is a great feeling.

So this Friday is the day I will go to the mikvah and it will also be the day we begin trying again. I feel scared and nervous and excited and hopeful, and worried and everything else that is making me jumpy and antsy.

I have so many mixed emotions now. I think about how this Thanksgiving would have been my due date and I get so sad about that. But then I think that I will be pregnant by then, so the sadness will be gone, and I will have a new happiness to look forward to. But then the worried me creeps in and I think well what if I'm not pregnant by then?

We said 6 months of trying naturally now and then we will go back to the RE. I like having a plan-- I just don't want to have to use it.

Yesterday I spent the day cooking, which is so relaxing for me. I made meatballs with mashed string beans (yum!), roasted chicken with whole garlic, zucchini cakes, salad. A feast. It is meant for the week and if I had more stuff in the fridge, I would have made more. I thank my mom for my love of cooking and creativity with food. I think about working in food once I am a mom. I really love it, and it would enable me to work from home...

Anyway-- for now I will do my best to just relax. I have acupuncture tomorrow, so that will help. And I will look forward to a beautiful and spiritual weekend with my husband and just enjoy it all.... (and maybe even create life while we're "enjoying each other")

Relief Never Felt So Good

I woke up panicking this morning.

I decided that I just couldn't wait until Monday to get my day 3 results (especially when I was so nervous about my FSH levels. Recap- In Nov. and Dec. they were 10, not horrible. But in January at my new RE's office, they were 16- panic set in at that time-- but then I started acupuncture and got pregnant the following month).

So when I woke up today I was nervous and then when I got to work I was reading some emails from this yahoo list that I'm on through my fertility yoga class and this woman had an FSH of 20 a few months ago and now it went to 50!

I was going crazy-- what if this happens to me!

So I frantically called my obgyn and told the receptionist that I'm anxious about my day 3 blood results, could any of the doctors call me back, perhaps the results are in now?

Well just a few minutes ago, my doctor calls and asked me why I am anxious to know about day 3 results since I got pregnant? I reminded him about my FSH of 16, and he finally told me he got the results this morning and my FSH is a 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOOORAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I choked up with tears of happiness. A single digit FSH. Thank you G-d!

And all my other hormones are fine too.

HALELLUYAH. I can relax now. I am telling you, the acupuncture, no caffeine, low sugar diet, must be working miracles on me, along wth G-d's help of course...

I feel so much better, I can't even express.

I am so grateful for these happy moments. They are so few and far between these days, that anything that's even remotely something good feels AMAZING.

This is what my fertility journey has taught me; appreciate the good and just soak it all in.

Do I Have a New Body?

I went to my obgyn this morning for day 3 blood work. They won't have results until Friday or Monday. At my RE I would get them same day-- I guess this is the protocol at the obgyn's. I'm a little nervous but I'm trying to stay positive, as so far everything has happened on time since my miscarriage.

The one thing I need to ask the doc when I call for results is-- is it normal for the body to change when it comes to PMS symptoms after a miscarriage?
Since I have been getting my period, I have always had sore breasts and now my last two periods since my miscarriage, I have had nothing. Is this bad? Is this good? What does it mean?
I can't seem to find much on the internet-- although I do read that the body can change after a miscarriage. But I just want to know if my body isn't working right anymore now that I don't have sore breasts.
Weird, I know. But it feels strange not having this symptoms. It's like I suddenly have a new body... and I want to know if it's better/same as before or worse.

I am calling the doctor by Friday. I hate the waiting. Shocking, right?

Words To Live By

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some genuine enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you;Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten tomorrow;Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;Give the world your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

~~~~Mother Teresa

She Came...

Well good old Auntie Flo arrived this morning when I got to work. I'm so glad... Just one day late from my usual 28 day cycle. Not bad after a miscarriage...

So the plan is to get my hormones tested on Day 3 (just to make sure things are where they should be after the miscarriage) and, we will finally start trying again this cycle. It's been two months since the miscarriage and although I am better emotionally, the pain is still with me. Sometimes it creeps up when I don't expect it-- and when I think it might kick in (like when I was out buying birthday gifts for the nieces, and even attended a birthday party this weekend), I was fine; laughing, playing with the children-- soaking their energy in so that maybe, just maybe the baby fairy would smile upon me and grant me my greatest wish this month.

And then there's the now.

I was so eager to start trying again this month, we've been waiting and waiting and now that I'm faced with it and it's going to happen, I have to say I am terrified.

Terrified of all the "what ifs".

• What if it takes me another year (or dare I say longer) to conceive?
• What if I have another miscarriage?
• What if this?
• What if that?

AND not to mention the dreadful waiting games all over again. I guess these past two months were kind of like a vacation-- although I did some waiting (waiting for flo, waiting to ovulate- ugh!!!)

I just pray that this time it's an easier and smoother journey for us.

WAIT!

How about this instead?

• What if I get pregnant in the next three months?
• What if I don't have a miscarriage?
• What if I have a healthy baby?
• What if this time next year, I am breastfeeding instead of sitting at this computer?

Wouldn't THIS be wonderful?

I hope.

I have hope.

I must.

The Wait Begins

Today is day 28 and I need Flo to get here asap!

We can finally start trying again this cycle and we are EAGER to get going!

Yo Flo,
You best be get'in here NOW. We need you and we need you B-A-D. I hope you'll be good to me and show up on time just like you did last month. C'mon flowy, c'mon!

Awaiting you with open arms,
Me

UGH--- No pms symptoms again, although Friday I was crying alot- so I hope that was related to hormones. But no more sore boobs which I've had since the age of 12. I guess my miscarriage or acupuncture changed my body. Anypoo--- just need flo now to get this month going.

OK-- let's see what happens.