She Came...

Well good old Auntie Flo arrived this morning when I got to work. I'm so glad... Just one day late from my usual 28 day cycle. Not bad after a miscarriage...

So the plan is to get my hormones tested on Day 3 (just to make sure things are where they should be after the miscarriage) and, we will finally start trying again this cycle. It's been two months since the miscarriage and although I am better emotionally, the pain is still with me. Sometimes it creeps up when I don't expect it-- and when I think it might kick in (like when I was out buying birthday gifts for the nieces, and even attended a birthday party this weekend), I was fine; laughing, playing with the children-- soaking their energy in so that maybe, just maybe the baby fairy would smile upon me and grant me my greatest wish this month.

And then there's the now.

I was so eager to start trying again this month, we've been waiting and waiting and now that I'm faced with it and it's going to happen, I have to say I am terrified.

Terrified of all the "what ifs".

• What if it takes me another year (or dare I say longer) to conceive?
• What if I have another miscarriage?
• What if this?
• What if that?

AND not to mention the dreadful waiting games all over again. I guess these past two months were kind of like a vacation-- although I did some waiting (waiting for flo, waiting to ovulate- ugh!!!)

I just pray that this time it's an easier and smoother journey for us.

WAIT!

How about this instead?

• What if I get pregnant in the next three months?
• What if I don't have a miscarriage?
• What if I have a healthy baby?
• What if this time next year, I am breastfeeding instead of sitting at this computer?

Wouldn't THIS be wonderful?

I hope.

I have hope.

I must.