So Much for Feeling Better

Ugh.

I was doing so well these past few days. I finally felt cleansed and ready to start fresh and make us this baby! We even had post-miscarriage loving this weekend for the first time-- it's been so long and it felt so wonderful, and familiar and I felt happy and loved.

And then a silly little thing this morning just brought into such a depression and sadness. I just read that the blond host of the View is pregnant and due in November- - when I was due too. It is so unfair! Why does she get to have this and I don't? I feel so sad right now... I know it's so silly, but I'm 34, she's 29 and she gets 2. I'm trying to make one and it's been so damn hard.

Anyway-- I needed a place to vent and this is where I come to.

I will get back to thinking and feeling positive. I just didn't need to read that. I'm sure today's acupuncture will replenish me and make me feel good again. I am counting the days till flo arrives-- and I pray she comes on time, as my doctor said it can take 4-6 weeks after a miscarriage. This Sunday will mark the 4 week point since that horrible night. We shall see.

Think positive. And it will come.

A New Chapter

I finally stopped bleeding a week ago and was allowed to go to the mikvah last night. Even though I'm not completely observant, going to the mikvah for me has become such a beautiful, spiritual and meaningful experience. But this time it was hard.

When I got there the mikvah attendant said to me "oh you've been here before" and I told her I had, but it had been a while, and then I just broke down and told her about my recent miscarriage. She was sorry and I told her I just didnt think I'd be back so soon.

So I went to my room to shower and prepare myself and I cried a lot. I knew it would be hard but I didn't think I had any tears left. I finally got myself together and she was ready for me.

I immersed myself in the water the first time and I asked G-d to heal my body quickly. I then said the blessing with my hands crossed over my waist. Then I immersed again and asked G-d for a healthy pregnancy this time, and then I immersed the final and third time and asked G-d to make it all happen quickly this time. I found myself more relaxed under water than ever before. Usually I go in and come out really fast because the water is going up my nose. But this time, I let myself stay under for just a little longer. I wanted to really feel it and take my time.

The attendant announced that I was "kosher" and let me stay there for a minute alone. I prayed HARD. In Judaism I have heard that G-d really hears your prayers in the mikvah and while lighting the Sabbath candles. And trust me, I wanted Him to really hear me this time.

I finally left the water, got dressed and walked home.

I felt like a chapter had been closed and I was putting this horrible miscarriage behind me. The waters of the mikvah washed away my sadness, my depression, and I emerged a NEW woman--- a STRONGER woman.

I felt at peace with myself, and I believed for the first time while walking home last night that I was going to get pregnant very soon-- if my body could do it this time, it will do it again and this time-- I will meet the child I was meant to have because I believe that G-d wants me to have a healthy child.

I am here today at work and that newness hasn't been forgotten. I woke up this morning and my usual sadness and hopelessness wasn't there. I felt different and I have put this miscarriage behind me. I am grateful that this water, as crazy as it may sound somehow was able to rinse away all my negativity-- I feel alive again. I can and I WILL do this.

Friend

I am really surprised to see the quality of my friends. They barely call, check in, or they choose to tell me about intimate moments they have with their children-- just 2 weeks after my miscarriage. I just don't get it. Are people really that thoughtless or are they just plain dumb?

I make such an effort in my life to be thoughtful of others-- strangers, friends, family-- and it makes me sad that it is so rare to find this in another human being-- especially the ones who you thought were your good friends. They are either so wrapped up in their lives, they can't take 5 minutes to pick up the phone and say hi, or they think I'm over it now because it's been 2 whole weeks.

The quality of human beings in this world is really crap ( at least the ones in my life). But it has only made me want to be a better person, because I would never want to be like that. They have no idea how good it can feel to make another person feel good, especially when they are going through a hard time.

My Soon to be Reality

I am walking down 85th street. It is about the same time next year. Spring is in the air, the flowers are just beginning to take a peek out onto the world. I am pushing a stroller. There is a soft yellow blanket coveing my baby. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl because it doesn't matter. But my baby is healthy, sleeping soundly. I am familiar by now with its soft skin, it's feathery hair, it's perfect hands and feet. My baby reminds me of a little chick. I am so proud in my heart. I have a child. My child brings Dave and I so much joy. I look at my child and I think about all the possibilities that lie ahead for him/her and for us as a family. I feel at peace. I am lucky. I am a mother.

THIS is how I visualize it. THIS is what I have to focus on. It WILL happen as long as I keep this image in my mind. I am meant to be a mother. PERIOD.

Time

I have been bleeding since Wednesday and last night experienced probably the most traumatic event of my life physically when I actually expelled the pregnancy.

Words cannot express the pain and fear I was going through in that moment. To see this "blob" in the toilet and knowing this would have been a life, my child, is so unbelievably horrible. Why couldn't it have stuck? After all that work, don't we deserve a heatlhy child?

I want to know when it will happen.

And now we have no choice but to start the work again- because let me tell you there is nothing fun about this. It has been struggle after struggle and then a horrible loss at the end.

Will it ever get better for us?

Goodbye Pea Pod

No more pregnancy. No heartbeat, no growth. Shortly I will take a pill that will release it all and I get to have some great cramping too. Life doesn't get better than this.