It's STILL Always Surprising...
Yesterday I had my regular obgyn appointment and thank G-d everything is fine. We heard a healthy heartbeat and so far so good. I'm still having the round ligament pain and the dr. says that will probably continue till around 20 weeks. I begin my 19th week this weekend. I lost two more pounds, but I think the vomiting is now over, as it's been 5 days of no vomiting. I also believe I felt a "flutter" two days in a row, both times on the bus while sitting in traffic. It was amazing to feel this soft tickle/light tapping against my belly, which I am told are the beginnings of movement... so EXCITING and really beautiful.
I was thinking last night how different it is to be a woman who has had a hard time conceiving and staying pregnant, versus someone who conceived quickly and never miscarried.
For me, every single dr. appointment during this pregnancy has always been surprising. To imagine that everything is fine is just so hard to fathom, when everything up until this pregnancy has been so difficult, so emotionally straining on my marriage, and on my life. So I walk away from every dr. appointment in disbelief, and I find myself asking my husband to replay the appointment to me; "The dr. said everything is great, right? " " We heard the heartbeat, right?" As if my own ears are lying me, and my mind is fighting the fact that yes, so far everything is just fine.
When I have been around women who conceived easily, they never seemed to doubt anything would go wrong. They were/are always so relaxed, so sure of it working out. As if they have a "cockiness" to them, is that the right word?... And I have never let myself get this way, I wouldn't dare to. I have learned too many times that life doesn't turn out the way you planned....
And in many ways I am jealous of these women-- I too want to feel sure about it all, and believe I will have a healthy baby at the end of this. I too want to walk away from my dr. appointments and feel like, of course everything is perfect! I too want to look at baby clothes, and nurseries, and talk about strollers now-- but I don't...
I am vulnerable, still scared, still surprised, still in shock by all of this--- and as much as time has allowed myself to relax a little bit, these feelings are still very much apart of me.
I guess that's why I end every entry with a little prayer for my "little". To have come this far is unbelievable to me. I cannot believe the difference between this time last year and now. It feels like a different life. I look back on myself this time last year, we were just about to start our first IUI cycle and I was so hopeful-- little did I know there would be so many disappointments ahead of me-- but then- a miracle happened, it seems. We are almost 19 weeks pregnant now. I have a belly that is growing, and I look in the mirror and I find myself once again in disbelief. Who is this pregnant girl? G-d, are you telling me that I may actually be a mother? I can't believe it. I still can't....
So please G-d, continue to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong and thank you for giving us this unbelievable gift.
I was thinking last night how different it is to be a woman who has had a hard time conceiving and staying pregnant, versus someone who conceived quickly and never miscarried.
For me, every single dr. appointment during this pregnancy has always been surprising. To imagine that everything is fine is just so hard to fathom, when everything up until this pregnancy has been so difficult, so emotionally straining on my marriage, and on my life. So I walk away from every dr. appointment in disbelief, and I find myself asking my husband to replay the appointment to me; "The dr. said everything is great, right? " " We heard the heartbeat, right?" As if my own ears are lying me, and my mind is fighting the fact that yes, so far everything is just fine.
When I have been around women who conceived easily, they never seemed to doubt anything would go wrong. They were/are always so relaxed, so sure of it working out. As if they have a "cockiness" to them, is that the right word?... And I have never let myself get this way, I wouldn't dare to. I have learned too many times that life doesn't turn out the way you planned....
And in many ways I am jealous of these women-- I too want to feel sure about it all, and believe I will have a healthy baby at the end of this. I too want to walk away from my dr. appointments and feel like, of course everything is perfect! I too want to look at baby clothes, and nurseries, and talk about strollers now-- but I don't...
Because all I want is my healthy baby in my arms, and that is as far as I allow myself to go at this point.
I am vulnerable, still scared, still surprised, still in shock by all of this--- and as much as time has allowed myself to relax a little bit, these feelings are still very much apart of me.
I guess that's why I end every entry with a little prayer for my "little". To have come this far is unbelievable to me. I cannot believe the difference between this time last year and now. It feels like a different life. I look back on myself this time last year, we were just about to start our first IUI cycle and I was so hopeful-- little did I know there would be so many disappointments ahead of me-- but then- a miracle happened, it seems. We are almost 19 weeks pregnant now. I have a belly that is growing, and I look in the mirror and I find myself once again in disbelief. Who is this pregnant girl? G-d, are you telling me that I may actually be a mother? I can't believe it. I still can't....
So please G-d, continue to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong and thank you for giving us this unbelievable gift.
4 Comments:
At 8:20 AM , Anonymous said...
You are so right, those who have never known the pain of IF cannot begin to understand the worry and constant vigil we must keep over our "littles". I know that if I get PG again I will be a nervous wreck until it is in my arms, safe and sound.
At 7:38 PM , Loren said...
I was just thinking the same thing yesterday! I can't imagine ever taking the gift of carrying a baby and HAVING a baby at the end for granted ever again!
I am jealous too, of those women. But just think- we can't help but appreciate it all the more so when it happens. It's like we have a gift in that itself- we know how valuable and *lucky* it is to have a child.
so, really...we're the lucky ones. :)
At 5:53 AM , Christy said...
I'm so glad everything is going so well, and that you are feeling better. I know this is nerve wracking for you right now, but the fact that each appointment is always surprising is sort of exciting. You get to experience excitement every time, while those who conceived easily and haven't known loss probably don't know the same thrill of surprise that you do. Almost makes me feel sorry for them . . .
At 6:43 PM , Natalie said...
Yea, I wonder what it'll be like when it happens, and how annoyed I'll be that I don't get to just take it for granted. The things we didn't know, ugh.
Glad all's still well with the little:-)
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