I Heart 21

Oh how I love today.

We had our 21 week anatomy scan and everything (thank G-d) is healthy and normal, and measuring just as it should, and is where it should be, and functioning as it should be.

I am so relieved.

We saw our little once again covering its face, but then when it uncovered it, it was smiling! So cute! We saw lips and even the lenses in the eyes. The heart, brain, spine, organs all normal. Our little is almost 1 pound right now!!! In fact for the first time Dave was able to feel the kicking too, whereas I've been the one to only feel it for the past few weeks. Last night our little was kicking hard! And sure enough when Dave put his hand on my belly he felt it. It was so cool for him to finally feel that connection....

The gender was also confirmed, but I can't seem to bring myself let it out. It's kind of fun and romantic having something just for us right now...

Anyway--- so far so good.

December is a fun month for us- besides Hanukah, it is also David's birthday on 12/11 and our second wedding anniversary on 12/18. We'll be going away that weekend to the same cozy inn we went to last year in Saratoga. It will be nice to get away and "just be".

Please G-d continue to keep our little healthy, safe and growing.

P.S.
I have been tagged by Mrs. B so here goes:

4 jobs I have held:
- Babysitter
- Camp counselor
- Chiropractic assistant
-Pharmaceutical PR manager

4 movies watched more than once:
- Cinema Paradiso
- Devil Wears Prada
- Six Degree of Separation
- When Harry Met Sally

4 TV Shows I watch faithfully
- The Hills
- American Idol
- All Food Network
- So You Think You Can Dance

4 Places I have vacationed
- Israel
- Spain
- England
- Nova Scotia

4 Favorite Foods:
- Pizza
- Ice cream
-French fries
- Steak

4 Places I'd rather be:
- Cape Cod
- Italy
- I can only come up with these, as long as I am with my hubby, I don't care where I am.

4 Hobbies I have:
- Reading
- Cooking
- Writing
- Volunteering

Now I tag Chris, Meg, and Loren : )

I Am Thankful

Tomorrow, November 22, 2007, Thanksgiving Day would have been my due date for my first pregnancy.

It is hard to articulate how I feel. There are so many emotions running through me-- I am so sad, still about my miscarriage, as it wasn't even that long ago- seven months ago. We heard the heartbeat one week and then nothing the following week. There was a life there, and I don't know what to do with that, it's almost to much to handle. It is unfair and painful and I wish so much that we never lost that pregnancy. But somehow we get through it. We persevere. We healed as much as we could, and we tried again. What other choice did we have?

And here I am. At this moment. Seven months later.

I am pregnant again. I am 20 weeks pregnant. I am so thankful.

The movements of this life inside of me have become more pronounced. I feel our "little" kicking and moving more and more. Sometimes I get teary eyed when I feel it, because it's just too much-- too good, there is nothing better. I am so thankful.

We heard the heartbeat last night at my bi-monthly doctor appointment and it was perfect. I am so thankful.

I have intense ligament pain, and it hurts to sit, walk, put socks, shoes, and pants on. I am so thankful.

My nipples are dark and itchy and cracking. The doctor said it's common in pregnancy and told me to put lotion on them. I am so thankful.

I have indigestion, gas, and horrible allergies. I am so thankful.

I want to feel this all. I have waited too long. And I am thankful for everything my body is going through because it means that there is a life inside of me growing, moving, living, breathing-- and for this, I am so eternally thankful.

Please G-d keep our little healthy, safe and growing strong.

It's STILL Always Surprising...

Yesterday I had my regular obgyn appointment and thank G-d everything is fine. We heard a healthy heartbeat and so far so good. I'm still having the round ligament pain and the dr. says that will probably continue till around 20 weeks. I begin my 19th week this weekend. I lost two more pounds, but I think the vomiting is now over, as it's been 5 days of no vomiting. I also believe I felt a "flutter" two days in a row, both times on the bus while sitting in traffic. It was amazing to feel this soft tickle/light tapping against my belly, which I am told are the beginnings of movement... so EXCITING and really beautiful.

I was thinking last night how different it is to be a woman who has had a hard time conceiving and staying pregnant, versus someone who conceived quickly and never miscarried.

For me, every single dr. appointment during this pregnancy has always been surprising. To imagine that everything is fine is just so hard to fathom, when everything up until this pregnancy has been so difficult, so emotionally straining on my marriage, and on my life. So I walk away from every dr. appointment in disbelief, and I find myself asking my husband to replay the appointment to me; "The dr. said everything is great, right? " " We heard the heartbeat, right?" As if my own ears are lying me, and my mind is fighting the fact that yes, so far everything is just fine.

When I have been around women who conceived easily, they never seemed to doubt anything would go wrong. They were/are always so relaxed, so sure of it working out. As if they have a "cockiness" to them, is that the right word?... And I have never let myself get this way, I wouldn't dare to. I have learned too many times that life doesn't turn out the way you planned....

And in many ways I am jealous of these women-- I too want to feel sure about it all, and believe I will have a healthy baby at the end of this. I too want to walk away from my dr. appointments and feel like, of course everything is perfect! I too want to look at baby clothes, and nurseries, and talk about strollers now-- but I don't...

Because all I want is my healthy baby in my arms, and that is as far as I allow myself to go at this point.

I am vulnerable, still scared, still surprised, still in shock by all of this--- and as much as time has allowed myself to relax a little bit, these feelings are still very much apart of me.

I guess that's why I end every entry with a little prayer for my "little". To have come this far is unbelievable to me. I cannot believe the difference between this time last year and now. It feels like a different life. I look back on myself this time last year, we were just about to start our first IUI cycle and I was so hopeful-- little did I know there would be so many disappointments ahead of me-- but then- a miracle happened, it seems. We are almost 19 weeks pregnant now. I have a belly that is growing, and I look in the mirror and I find myself once again in disbelief. Who is this pregnant girl? G-d, are you telling me that I may actually be a mother? I can't believe it. I still can't....

So please G-d, continue to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong and thank you for giving us this unbelievable gift.

That was scary...

So I spent the morning in the labor/delivery unit of my hospital today.
But-- everything is fine now....

For the past few days the area around my groin/pubic bone and bikini lines have been in pain. Like when I bend down or get up and it wasn't going away. I read about round ligament pain and it sounded just like this, but since it was going on for days I called my doctor last night and he said if the pain continues, to call him in the morning. So the pain continued and I called him in the morning, thinking he'd just tell me to come in-- but no, he's like- go to the labor/delivery unit so they can monitor you for a few hours and rule out contractions. I was like WHAT!!?? I just didn't expect it to be so dramatic.

So I was there today for hours, in a hospital bed, hooked up to a monitor. We immediately heard our little's heartbeat (relief) and then I was laying there, with a contraction monitor, in a hospital gown, while different nurses came in asked me questions, took my blood, took my urine, took my temperature. Then a cute doctor came in and gave me a cervical exam-- now that was NOT fun. YUCK. They also did a n ultra sound and our little ain't so little anymore-- it's getting so big! There was a nice healthy heartbeat, and thank G-d I was not contracting.

The doctor said it was indeed round ligament pain caused from my uterus stretching and growing and pulling on the surrounding ligaments. He said unfortunately this same kind of pain can also mean contractions, so that's why they just wanted to rule that out. Well, I'm glad they did.

As scared as I was intially, I am glad I got to see where I'll be (G-d willing) delivering our baby....and I liked it alot. I saw a woman being wheeled out in a bed holding her newborn and I smiled at her, she smiled back and my eyes got all teary. I so want to be her in April 2008.

Anyway, I went home and have been resting, per the doctor's orders. A very dramatic morning, but in the end all is well so far...

Thank you G-d for keeping our little safe and healthy and growing....