Breakdown

So last night I believe I hit rockbottom.

I was sobbing. I mean SOBBING. Uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. The pain within me was so strong I wanted to crawl out of myself and escape. It really felt unbearable. David had annoyed me and it turned into a huge fight and I just started thinking about where my life had gone. Here I am working so hard to have a child and what if I never do? It went from being annoyed at David to fertility crap. Why? Because this is what my life has become about.

The fear of never having children just swallowed me whole last night and it was/is very real.

I hate this so much. I feel like I'm being tortured and it is so unfair. I will find out next week if this third insemination worked. After this I don't know what we'll do. The thought of invitro terrifies me, but as the months go by it is becoming more of a reality. What did I do to deserve this?

At this point, I have no desire to see or speak to anyone with children. It's not the children that upset me, it's the mothers. I am angry at mothers. They get to have children while I have to struggle so hard and go through so much pain (physical and mental) to get there. And what if I never do?

Through my sobs last night I prayed to G-d. I asked him to help me, protect me, help me get through this. I hope he heard my cries because at this point, I don't know how else to reach him.