Anonymity

I don't think anyone in my life knows that I started writing a blog. I mentioned it to David, but I can't imagine he remembers, or thinks to check in to see if I've written anything. Apart of me wants to tell everyone, but then I ask myself why? There are things I don't share with everyone and maybe this is the one place I can be totally free; anonymous.

I am filled with anxiety. Tomorrow I will know if I'm pregnant. I pray so hard everyday. There is nothing that I want more than to be a mother--- the kind of mother I never had but always wanted. And I know I would be a great mother. After all this time, I want to feel needed, I want someone to truly be dependant on me, and more than anything I want to feel like I contributed to someone's formation. I want to see my child stare at me and wonder about me, just as I did growing up when I would watch my own mother and her crazy behaviors, vowing I would never be like that. I want my child to snuggle into me, just as I did in bed with my grandmother when I needed to be saved. Of course I realize my child will never be what I want it to be--- but one thing I know for sure is that I will love my child in the way that is right for them, becuse I know when you do that, your child will always come back to you.

So anyway... if anyone does read this, please say a little prayer for me asking G-d to grant my wish and give me a healthy child this month.

Thank you.

Ahhhh--- it sure felt good to get this out of myself.... Thanks for that, blog.