In Limbo

This week I am in limbo, although it feels like a vacation, at least for more moments at a time than usual. There is nothing I can do this week but wait-- once again--- to see if we made a baby.

Every step I make, every plan I make, revolves around my cycle. It sucks to have to live this way. I miss those days of freedom when I could live my life and do what I wanted without worrying about injections or inseminations.

I also want to add that I hate mothers who complain. It truly makes me sick when I hear it. I wonder to myself would they rather not have their children? Because I would take a screaming child any day over no child at all. They have no clue as to how lucky they are. It pisses me off. Especially the mothers that didn't even "try" to get pregnant. "Oh- it just happened, I didn't have any idea!" Please. What a cruel world we live in.

That's enough venting. I'm trying to relax and not let things bother me. Hopefully this and acupuncture will help me conceive. I don't want to be one of those infertile women anymore, it's no way to live.

Cranky

I am so cranky today. I am annoyed at everyone. And I think to myself what a waste! Here I am, alive, in love, and I have the nerve to be cranky? I hate me.
Maybe today's acupuncture will help me. It's my 2nd time. I am in need of something to save me mentally. I am feeling like I'm spiralling downhill- I need some good news fast.
I long to be like a 5 year old child who can cry one minute over something that upset them, and then a few minutes later they are back to normal; playing, laughing. This is how I want to be. I don't want to dwell on my sorrows and wallow in my self-pity-- but it is so hard not to when disappointment comes month after month. Will I ever be a mother? Everyone is so sure--but me.

Party in the Waiting Room

I went to my fertility specialist today to take a class on how to inject myself in the stomach for the next 7-10 days.

I know, fun. Anyway, the waiting room was jam packed with women, some with their husbands ( I went solo today). I was happy to see so many women there, and I really didnt want to leave. It was like I had entered my own private world where everyone was like me. It was comforting and safe. There were pretty women, well-dressed women, good looking husbands, etc. and it made me feel like you really never know what is going on behind closed doors. But then again what does a couple going through fertility issues look like anyway? I'm sure people in my life don't suspect anything, although I do think that they wonder when I'll make the happy announcement.

This weekend we are going out with my cousin and this guy we want to set her up with. I'll be having a sparkling water please. Will she think I'm pregnant because I'm not drinking, like I would normally? I hope she doesn't notice, because I have no intention of telling her it's because I'm on fertility medication and I'm not allowed to drink (plus I have cut out alcohol in general while we are trying to conceive, it only strengthens my chances).

Anyway... the point in all of this is I wish my world consisted of even one woman going through this. I have no desire to speak or see friends that have children. And those that don't have children, don't need to hear about my fertility crap-- it's depressing. So again, the waiting room today at my doc's felt like a safe haven for me, even if it was just for a short while.

Wish me luck, tonight is my first injection.

New Found Comfort

I have come to love eating dinner and watching TV with Dave every night after work. It is the coziest feeling being with him, watching him, laughing at silly little things with him. We are usually barefoot and we look at each other's feet and nauseate each other with our feet. We giggle and tickle each other.
I dread it when it gets late and we have to go to bed because truthfully, I could sit there like this with him all night long.
This has become such a comfort to me, especially these past few months while I've been stuck in this gloom of fertility crap. These moments with my husband are by far the best part of the day for me. I am so thankful that I have this.

In Need of Some Magic...

I found out I wasn't pregnant yesterday. My heart is breaking and I keep wondering what did I do to deserve this? What do I need to do to let G-d know I am a good person, deserving of a child. These are the thoughts that my head is filled with.
Every month that goes by and I find that I'm not pregnant, my hopes get eaten up. Why does it feel like everyone around me is having babies without any struggles? Even women in their 40's. And here I am, 34, healthy, and nothing. I blame myself, and I feel huge amount of guilt because poor David has to suffer because of me. He wants to be a dad so much.
I pray that this will happen for us. I am going to a second fertility specialist on Monday, maybe he will have some answers or suggestions.
I guess I am writing about this on this blog in hopes that maybe somewhere out there in this world, someone might read this and tell me it's going to happen. Foolishly perhaps, I am looking for that magic wand.

Anonymity

I don't think anyone in my life knows that I started writing a blog. I mentioned it to David, but I can't imagine he remembers, or thinks to check in to see if I've written anything. Apart of me wants to tell everyone, but then I ask myself why? There are things I don't share with everyone and maybe this is the one place I can be totally free; anonymous.

I am filled with anxiety. Tomorrow I will know if I'm pregnant. I pray so hard everyday. There is nothing that I want more than to be a mother--- the kind of mother I never had but always wanted. And I know I would be a great mother. After all this time, I want to feel needed, I want someone to truly be dependant on me, and more than anything I want to feel like I contributed to someone's formation. I want to see my child stare at me and wonder about me, just as I did growing up when I would watch my own mother and her crazy behaviors, vowing I would never be like that. I want my child to snuggle into me, just as I did in bed with my grandmother when I needed to be saved. Of course I realize my child will never be what I want it to be--- but one thing I know for sure is that I will love my child in the way that is right for them, becuse I know when you do that, your child will always come back to you.

So anyway... if anyone does read this, please say a little prayer for me asking G-d to grant my wish and give me a healthy child this month.

Thank you.

Ahhhh--- it sure felt good to get this out of myself.... Thanks for that, blog.