What a Face

Maya is 6 weeks old now. She is so lovable. I am so incredibly lucky to have this little girl in my life. She is filling it with so much happiness and laughter. I miss her when she is napping. And when she cries, my heart breaks. When she laughs, I melt. She loves the sounds of crickets to fall asleep to (on her mobile), and she smiles and coos when I shake my ponytail in front of her face. Maya is becoming so full of personality, and everyday I spend with her is truly a gift.



Here is Maya kind of smiling- my camera is a second off, so I keep missing the full smiles- but she is so smiley now, I can't take it!!!!!!!!!!!
How cute is this hat!?!

Don't Let Me Turn Into a Boring Old Lady!

This week was the 4th anniversary of my first date with Dave.

So we thought it would be a great excuse for a "date" as it has been so long since we've been out on the town. Plus, as I am exclusively breastfeeding and whipping out my boobs everywhere all the time, there has been a lack of, shall we say----feeling sexy. In fact, I am starting to feel like my husband is my brother and I need to stop this immediately. I was looking forward to putting on makeup, heels, and just looking like the sexy woman I once knew myself to be....

So guess what- the date didn't happen : (

My mom was supposed to babysit and she doesn't drive. I live in Manhattan, she lives in Brooklyn and my husband was going to pick her up. It's about an hour drive. Well, the car battery died and it wasn't fixed until hours later which turned into 11pm. So we cancelled.

I was disappointed and then I realized how my carefree days are really gone.

I have spent so many years living my life for me and now it is so not about me anymore. Having a child is really selfless, isn't it? I mean, I don't have time to do anything anymore-- some days I don't even have a minute to eat and it will be 5pm and I'll have eaten nothing all day (I know this is bad!). I am told as time goes by it will get easier, but the fact is having children really does change our lives.

I am obviously grateful for this "change" and Maya is so worth it all-- but it does make me think that as we get older and more comfortable in our ways, any kind of change is much harder to adapt to-- and maybe it's because I'm in my mid 30's and spent so many years partying, going out with friends at any hour on any night and now that I am a new mother, I can't do that anymore! My baby is totally dependant on me. Which I admit, I really love-- but it does feel strange. It feels like I am an adult now, but sometimes I fear that this means I will turn into a boring old lady. I know it's silly to think this, but I still feel that I must continue to have a fun life and be the best mother to my child. I can have both, it will just take effort.

So I have to continue to plan fun things for us to look forward to, trips and dinners with friends and excuses to put my heels on and still be the best mom to my Maya. I know it can be done!

I can never be a boring old lady!

Thank You Maya

I celebrated my first Mother's Day this year.

It is amazing how life can change in just one year. It was one year ago that I was picking up the pieces after a recent miscarriage. I remember asking Dave back then, would I be celebrating Mother's Day next year? And he replied with certainty, yes I would be. I had so wanted to believe him, but deep down I couldn't imagine it.

And here I am now, one year later - I am a mother.

It feels so natural to be a mother that I don't feel any different. I feel like I have known Maya my entire life, and when I hold her I am so comfortable and relaxed. It is like I have always been doing this and it's hard to remember life before now.

What I am a bit sad about is that time is moving. As much as I love watching her grow and develop, I don't like the fact that the experience of giving birth is moving farther and farther away. I always want it to feel like it just happened. I know it must sound strange. For me giving birth is the thing that I still can't believe I accomplished. It's like being a mother feels very natural but the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to Maya is what I still can't wrap my brain around. Weird, huh?

Anyway these are just some thoughts I've been having lately...

I am so grateful that I am in this place now and I take nothing for granted. It was a long, and very bumpy road to get here and I feel so lucky.

Maya is growing and developing such a cute personality- she will look at your face and it's like she just wants to talk to you. She is so funny and alert and I can watch her for hours. Sometimes during our 3am feedings she'll fall asleep in my arms afterwards and I will hold her for another hour just so that I can stare at her face, her perfect red heart- shaped lips and her black lashes, and her baby smell. It all just melts my heart.

Thank you Maya for coming into my life, for making me a mother, for making me your mother.

ONE MONTH!

I can't believe Maya is a month old.

Time is flying by.

Must remember to savor this time and soak it all in.

Happy One Month Maya!

Three Weeks

Maya turned three weeks this week.

As much as I still miss being pregnant and going through that intensity of giving birth, I am trying to focus on the now and this beautiful little girl I get to raise.

She is changing everyday. Her eyes are still blue and I hope they don't change, as it seems she looks just like her dad except for the blue eyes which come from me. I want her to have a little part of me and if it's the eyes, I will gladly take that.

We have been doing "tummy time" everyday and today she lifted her head twice on her own while on her belly. I am so proud. I was cheering her on as she struggled with frustration to maneuver her little body. My Maya is a fighter and I love that quality.

On another note, the past two days I have noticed my milk supply seems to be dwindling. She seems to not be getting enough milk from my left breast and gets so frustrated-- I don't blame her! Then when I pump I am barely making 2oz. whereas last week I was making over 3 oz. in a 10 minute session. I haven't been drinking a lot of water and today started drinking more. Does anyone have any advice/tips? My doula suggested raspberry leaf tea and my pediatrician said two cups a day is fine. Anything else? I'm hoping my supply will get back to normal very soon. I'm not too worried as she is "going to the bathroom" after every feeding which I know is a good sign.

Other than that I am trying to get into some kind of groove. I am sleep deprived and get about three hours a day. Maya is a night owl and it's hard to get her to sleep in her bassinet. She loves to sleep in my arms, but after an hour, I'm ready to put her down. David helps but he needs sleep to function at work especially now that he is the bread winner. Weekends are great though since he helps more and I can sleep a little more. I have also been taking Maya out in her fancy stroller (my mother-in-law purchased the bugaboo frog stroller which half of the upper east side of NYC seems to have). She loves to take walks and falls into a peaceful sleep every time. I love how she looks in her little knitted hats and sweaters. She really is a doll. Our favorite activity though are the sponge baths. She loves loves loves having her hair washed. She puts her head back, closes her eyes and is so relaxed and so adorable, I want to eat her up. Last night David videotaped it and it is so cute to watch.

So this is my life. It is now 1:47am and David is walking around the apartment with Maya in her swaddle, in his arms, trying to get her to fall asleep. I never thought I would be in this "place" and well, here we are. Thank you G-d.