One Week....
It's hard to believe that one week ago today I was pushing a human being out of my body.
Did I really do that?
I am still in somewhat of a daze; that combined with no sleep has left me feeling strange, I guess.
I am breastfeeding Maya every 3 hours and my nipples are completely bruised. It's now finally starting to get better but it still hurts. I have a doula who comes over a few times a week and helps me breastfeed, and gives me great tips to take care of Maya. I'm definitely glad I hired her.
Overall things are really good-- I have such an adorable baby girl that I just can't get enough of. She is so alert for a newborn, her eyes are wide and full of life and character and I just know she will be full of spice. I am excited to see what she will become, but I am also not rushing this time I have with her-- it is such a precious time.
I guess in the background somewhere in my heart I am also feeling sad. I know it's common to feel some depression after giving birth, but after my long and painful journey to get here, I never thought I would feel sad after receiving the greatest gift of my life. In fact, I think of myself as having no right to feel sad -- how dare I ? But I do. I think it's the nostalgia of being pregnant, awaiting this baby for so long, going through the most intense experience of a vaginal birth and now I'm home with my baby and I miss all of that. Isn't that weird? I always thought THIS is the part that would make me happy- and right now I am missing all the pre-birth stuff I was waiting for to be over.
I don't kn0w. I am sure it will pass and maybe once I start to get out more, take Maya for walks, get my old body back, I'll feel better. It's like I almost feel lonely. And maybe that's just the loneliness of Maya not being inside of me anymore and feeling an emptiness inside. I think I miss having her with me all the time.
I know, it's nuts.
I want to end this post with a positive note.
When I hold Maya close to me and I talk to her and she looks up at me with those eyes, I feel in my heart that we have known each other all our lives. She is familiar to me and the bond is strong. I love her and I will embrace her for who she is and who she will become. I am finally a mother and I need to remember how lucky I am.
Thank you G-d for this amazing gift...
Did I really do that?
I am still in somewhat of a daze; that combined with no sleep has left me feeling strange, I guess.
I am breastfeeding Maya every 3 hours and my nipples are completely bruised. It's now finally starting to get better but it still hurts. I have a doula who comes over a few times a week and helps me breastfeed, and gives me great tips to take care of Maya. I'm definitely glad I hired her.
Overall things are really good-- I have such an adorable baby girl that I just can't get enough of. She is so alert for a newborn, her eyes are wide and full of life and character and I just know she will be full of spice. I am excited to see what she will become, but I am also not rushing this time I have with her-- it is such a precious time.
I guess in the background somewhere in my heart I am also feeling sad. I know it's common to feel some depression after giving birth, but after my long and painful journey to get here, I never thought I would feel sad after receiving the greatest gift of my life. In fact, I think of myself as having no right to feel sad -- how dare I ? But I do. I think it's the nostalgia of being pregnant, awaiting this baby for so long, going through the most intense experience of a vaginal birth and now I'm home with my baby and I miss all of that. Isn't that weird? I always thought THIS is the part that would make me happy- and right now I am missing all the pre-birth stuff I was waiting for to be over.
I don't kn0w. I am sure it will pass and maybe once I start to get out more, take Maya for walks, get my old body back, I'll feel better. It's like I almost feel lonely. And maybe that's just the loneliness of Maya not being inside of me anymore and feeling an emptiness inside. I think I miss having her with me all the time.
I know, it's nuts.
I want to end this post with a positive note.
When I hold Maya close to me and I talk to her and she looks up at me with those eyes, I feel in my heart that we have known each other all our lives. She is familiar to me and the bond is strong. I love her and I will embrace her for who she is and who she will become. I am finally a mother and I need to remember how lucky I am.
Thank you G-d for this amazing gift...
posted by Here I am @ 10:08 PM
2 Comments:
At 1:19 AM ,
L said...
I felt lonely after the birth of my son for a few months... I missed my husband, my life was consumed by this little person who didn't really give anything back yet... Thankfully that all passes and now I have a 3-year old with whom I pray every night thanking God for bringing him into our lives.
At 6:32 AM ,
Gemini Girl said...
What you are feeling is so normal for someone who battled if. Even with two 5 month olds at home, I become jealous when I see a pg woman walking down the street- and I am not the only one who feels that way- most of my if friends do too.
Your daughter is beautiful! You are going through so much emotionally right now- just know that it is all very natural. Soon you will be a pro at this- trust me. Once she hits about 12 pounds she will sleep for longer stretches as well, so mommy will have more sleep and be able to function better.
So proud of you! keep us posted- and if you have any questions, you know who to ask!
BTW- I told my husband about the name you chose for your daughter. He thought it was so nice since my name is Maya, and his mother (who died when he was 10) was named Yehudit.
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