I Need To Believe

I was believing that I could get pregnant up to this moment. And now I am starting to fall back into thinking I won't ever be. I loathe this roller coaster- aside from not getting pregnant, this is the worst thing. I hate this time of the month where the days are slowly moving along and I am getting closer to day 28. Will I be? Or, won't I be--- AGAIN. I pray so hard that it's the former.
Pray with me.
Help me believe.
I WILL GET PREGNANT.
I WILL GET PREGNANT.
I WILL GET PREGNANT.

Much-Needed FUN

I am so excited. For the first time in months I am treatment-free and we are heading to Atlantic City this weekend for a much needed fun-filled time. I cannot tell you how long it's been since I've enjoyed my life- like REALLY enjoyed it. I am even going to treat myself to a glass of wine (got the doc's okay).

It just feels so good inside. It reminds me how life used to be before all this fertility crap- carefree and easy. I miss that so much. So now I am appreciating it so much more I guess.

Anyway-- at least for now- for a few short days-- we can enjoy our lives and LIVE.

(And who knows maybe even make a baby while we're having all this fun- is it possible? I have to wonder).

Longing for Normalcy

My heart is breaking, I can actually feel the pieces cutting into me and the sharpness of that pain is penetrating into my soul. My sobs are loud and raw, maybe G-d will hear them today.

I am falling deeper and deeper and I am so scared I will never get out of this. I just got my period today after a third insemination, first time with injections. What a waste of time, pain and energy. Eight days of injecting myself in my stomach, walking around dizzy with headaches, moodiness, cramping, going to the doctor every other day so that he can stick a camera up my vagina and look at my reproductive system (a non-functioning one) and then I get to be inserted with a needle into my vein every other day for blood work. The inside of my arms look like the arms of a heroine addict. I go to acupuncture twice a week so I can have more needles inserted into my head, ears, elbows, toes, stomach, you name it. Oh, and not to mention giving up caffeine, soda--- and ALL FOR WHAT?

I see people around me; the people in my life- laughing, enjoying their lives, being with their families, making plans- and then there's me. I am in a constant depressed state of mind. I can't make plans because my life revolves around my fertility calendar and I have to protect myself and make sure I'm not in the presence of mothers or soon to be mothers and or even women who are trying to be mothers. I can't fully enjoy anything anymore because there is a constant dark cloud above me 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

I am so tired inside and so jealous of those around me. I want to be normal again. I want to be a mother just like everyone else gets to be. I am so tired of hearing about the "miracle stories". They do nothing for me. I am still not pregnant and what if I never am? What if I never give birth? I don't know if I can accept a life like that. I am so tired inside, I am an old woman inside. I keep hearing my grandmothers words when I asked her if she was scared to die, she said, "No I'm just so tired." Now I know what she meant. How much more do I have to endure in this life?

My journey to find the right man for me was so difficult, traumatic and painful over the years- and now once again I am faced with even worse circumstances; I may never have a child. What did I to deserve this? Does G-d hate me that much? I pray my heart out every night before I go to sleep and my voice isn't reaching Him. He isn't hearing my longing. What else do I need to do? I kick myself because in a way all of this is so predictable that it's almost boring. Why should this be easy? After all, nothing has been so far for me.

And the absolute worst is that David has to suffer. I look at him, this happy-go-lucky guy, going about his day, playing piano, humming to himself, reaching out to constantly hug me- and look at what he gets: a big fat nothing. He has a wife who is bare inside with nothing to give him. And it isn't fair to him.

I am so full of pain, I want to crawl into a hole and just sleep.

Breakdown

So last night I believe I hit rockbottom.

I was sobbing. I mean SOBBING. Uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. The pain within me was so strong I wanted to crawl out of myself and escape. It really felt unbearable. David had annoyed me and it turned into a huge fight and I just started thinking about where my life had gone. Here I am working so hard to have a child and what if I never do? It went from being annoyed at David to fertility crap. Why? Because this is what my life has become about.

The fear of never having children just swallowed me whole last night and it was/is very real.

I hate this so much. I feel like I'm being tortured and it is so unfair. I will find out next week if this third insemination worked. After this I don't know what we'll do. The thought of invitro terrifies me, but as the months go by it is becoming more of a reality. What did I do to deserve this?

At this point, I have no desire to see or speak to anyone with children. It's not the children that upset me, it's the mothers. I am angry at mothers. They get to have children while I have to struggle so hard and go through so much pain (physical and mental) to get there. And what if I never do?

Through my sobs last night I prayed to G-d. I asked him to help me, protect me, help me get through this. I hope he heard my cries because at this point, I don't know how else to reach him.