Looking in the Face of My Past

My grandparents were my everything when I was younger. I was always with them, preferring their company over my own parents. They were affectionate, kind, warm, loving and I always felt like I was number one when I was with them- despite being one of 13 grandchildren. I was just so loved. I do believe that my grandmother "saved" me in so many ways -- too much to get into now, but I am who I am because of her.



My grandparents were Holocaust survivors- each having been married to other people, each having their own children before they met each other. Tragically, and beyond any comprehension, their spouses and children were all murdered in the Holocaust, while they each survived. Later on, fate brought them together and my grandparents met while hiding in a forest somewhere on the outskirts of Lithuania. Somehow, through some kind of strength, they rebuilt their lives, married, moved to Israel and had five children together- one of which is my mother.

I was very close to my grandparents until they died when I was around 15 years old. Way too soon. But I have always kept them close to my heart, they are always with me, and I don't think a day has gone by where I don't think about them.

Three years ago I left my 10 year career in Pharmaceutical Public Relations and decided to focus my time on something more personally fulfilling. I landed a job with a world-renown Holocaust education center and museum and I have been working directly with the Chairman- a Holocaust survivor.

My boss, the Chairman, is my grandfather. Not literally. But his face, his hands, his Eastern European accent, his mannerisms bring me back to my grandfather. When I am around him, I feel as if I am in the company of my grandparents and in this way, I have kept their memory alive everyday. I know this much--there was nothing random or coincidental about getting this job. It was meant to be. I absolutely have loved working with this man....

Yesterday, he and his wife left for Florida. They will be there through April, which means that I probably won't be seeing them as I am due in early April. When he said goodbye to me, he hugged me, kissed me on both cheeks and told me these words, " I want you to be happy." My eyes welled up with tears and I turned away from him, not wanting him to see me get emotional-and I responded, "I am happy." I then went to the bathroom and had a good cry.

I think I was crying for my grandparents-- hoping that they could somehow see me now, with my growing belly, about to be a mother. I think I was crying because of the sadness that I felt having to deal with all the crap of struggling with fertility and miscarriage, and never knowing if it was going to happen- I had been so far from happy for so long. And finally, I think I was crying because for the first time in the 30 weeks that I am pregnant, I realized this- I AM HAPPY. And that was a huge realization. So those words that my boss said to me meant more than I could have thought and that moment when we said goodbye has stayed with me, even today my eyes still well up with tears when I hear his voice in my head. This was the kind of thing my grandmother would have said to me.

I miss my grandparents everyday, and I so wish they could share this time in my life. I plan to be the kind of mother my grandmother was to me-- and I also know that not only will this baby have their name to carry on their memory, but even more than that, I plan on telling them the story of their great grandparents, and the unbelievable strength they had to keep going despite the struggles and tragedies they encountered in life. I want my child to learn these lessons and I guess in this way too, the memory of my grandparents will live on. I couldn't think of a better way.

Please G-d keep our little healthy and growing strong...

Sleep Deprived...

I haven't been able to sleep well for the past few weeks.

I wake up with my hands asleep and after waving my arms around, massaging my fingers, walking around, they finally wake up-- only to have this start up again sometime during the night.

My fingers are stiff and a little swollen and my ring fingers hurt when I bend them, especially in the morning. I know-- I have to cut down on salt and drink more water. I am trying. The doctor says the only thing I can do is give birth. Great.

I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open today, and my legs are now achey too.... I guess this is what the third trimester feels like for me. I'll take it-- as long as I can continue to feel our little kicking and moving, all of this is worth it and just fine.

Oh-- I did purchase a body pillow and tried using it last night. At first it was hard to get comfortable, but then I got used to it. It's okay right now, I'm not loving it yet- I hope I do. It's kind of like hugging a giant sausage. Ha Ha.

Anyhoo-- it's going to be a cooooold weekend here but I am so glad it's Friday. I am counting the hours until I can be on my comfy couch watching hours of food network. I know, exciting.

Have a great weekend!

Please G-d keep our little safe, growing and healthy...

Whew!

I passed the glucose screening test! And all my other bloodwork (thyroid, liver, HIV, etc.) came back normal. Thank you G-d.

I cannot believe we are now in the third trimester at 28 weeks. It is still hard for me to accept this all. Is this for real???

I feel our little kicking and rolling and doing acrobatics more and more-- it is amazing.

I am just so thankful, even though I keep saying it-- I just am. I have never been filled with more gratitude.

Ok-- feeling hungry now-- Looking forward to a very carb -filled dinner, now that I'm in the clear : )

Thank you G-d for continuing to keep our little healthy, safe, and growing.

Connection

I have been feeling such a deep connection to our little.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is put my hand on my stomach, waiting for a little kick, a roll, any kind of movement. And most of the time within minutes I feel it. A human inside of me with a mind of its own, unpredictable and independent-- kicking me when it wants to, moving, free and alive. This makes it so real for me.

I am in love with this life inside of me. It is true what they say-- you just love this life without even meeting it, let alone knowing it-- it is an unconditional and immediate kind of love that is getting stronger and more powerful everyday. It is hard to believe that in exactly three months I will (G-d willing) be holding this life in my arms.

I feel such a strong bond-- moreso than even Dave- yes, he feels the kicks when he puts his hands on my belly, but its different. This life is in me, it goes where I go, it eats what I eat--and it's like my heart has given birth to a whole new set of emotions I have never known. Nothing can beat this feeling I have right now-- this, right now, is the best part of my pregnancy. The movements of this life within, the growing belly, it is romantic and all consuming and I am soaking it all in. What a gift.

Please G-d keep our little safe and healthy and growing strong....