petalsnyc

Time...

2010-01-15T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hello out there in blogworld.

It's been way too long since I've written. I thought I'd just stop this blog completely, but I got the urge tonight to write so I think I will always keep this blog around just in case.

Life is moving along... Shayna is now 11 weeks old and Maya is 21 months old. They are my greatest gifts and I thank G-d every day for them. They put smiles on my faces every morning. Shayna has an infectious smile. She is happy and glowing and looks me straight in the eye. She is 12 lbs and 23 inches. That's 8 pounds less than Maya. She is definitely bigger in size, but identical to Maya when she was an infant.

These two sister adore each other, really. Maya hugs Shayna and calls her "Shay Shay." Actually, we all started calling her that. Maya is talking and says almost any word I ask her to say. She now knows how to ask for things like milk, or she even says "nap" when it's nap time. She says "lap" when she wants to sit on my lap, and bring a book with her and says "read". It's very bittersweet to watch all of this before my eyes. I want her to stay a baby forever, and yet, it is amazing to watch her grow and become her own person.

My life as a mom of 2 girls who are only 18 months apart is going well. I am much more relaxed with Shayna and for the most part, I can do this. The hard parts of the day for me is when I nurse Shayna and Maya wants my attention. I struggle with that on a daily basis, because it interrupts my milk flow and makes it difficult to feed and then Shayna gets frustrated, etc etc. So I pump as much as I can which makes it easier to feed from the bottle. But aside from this, it's good, really good. I love that these girls will have each other. I can already see a bond and it's nice to know they will protect and lift each other up when necessary.

So, if anyone out there still reads this, here are my girls.

Hopefully more sometime soon.

Nighty night!

Welcome to the World!!!

2009-11-03T05:52:00.000-08:00

Our newest miracle has arrived!

IT'S A GIRL!!!!

Introducing...

Shayna Rose

Born on Friday, October 30, 2009

at 6:35pm

8.7lbs. & 21 inches

NYC

Shayna is the splitting image of Maya when she was born. They are now getting to know eachother. Maya loves to poke Shayna and name her various body parts. Our hands are definitely full with two babies, but our home is now filled with even more love.

My labor and delivery were much harder this time as the epidural wore off as I was about to push an 8.7 lb baby out. It was truly a raw birthing experience and the pain was mind blowing. But, when she came out, all of that pain went out the window and I stared at my beautiful daughter thinking to myself, I cannot believe I got here. I am now blessed with two daughters and I am so grateful for them.

If anyone out there still reads my blog, thank you and I will continue to share our stories as a family of four...

Amazing!

38 wks and 5 days!

2009-10-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

Still pregnant.

It has been very hard chasing after an 18 month old while being this pregnant. I am so tired and having contractions. At night my hands fall asleep and my legs are really achy. These are the same symptoms I had when I was preggars with Maya, except that I could rest when I wanted to. Not anymore!

I have a lot of fears, but I am also so excited to see the face of this baby that has literally taken over my body.

I hope to share some exciting news next post!

32 Weeks and Time is Flying...

2009-09-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

Here I am over 32 weeks pregnant with baby number two.

I am terrified.

How am I going to take care of an 18 month old and a newborn? I am interviewing babysitters, but still it is going to be HARD. I am trying to focus on the fact that these two children will have each other for life, will be the best of friends and in the long run, these first few months will be a blur in the scheme of life. I hope.

I am also scared of giving birth. Even though I have been there, done that, I know this pregnancy will be very different. I was so lucky with Maya. The Dr. broke my water, I was induced, had the epidural, took a 4 hour nap, woke up ready to push, and thirty minutes later out popped Maya's little head from my vajayjay (I had a mirror so I could watch everything!). It was truly such a life changing, amazing experience. It was the kind of thing that makes you feel like you can do ANYTHING after that. Man, I was on such a high.

So what will this delivery entail? I do know that right now my little is not so little at 4.8 pounds. And it is still breech. The Dr. told me not to worry, as most babies turn by 36 weeks. But I am a little worried. I don't want a C-section. Mostly because I have never been under, or numbed, and it all freaks me out. Plus, I just loved the experience of the vaginal birth. I actually enjoyed the process. Argh. It's just something I need to let go of and realize I have no control over how this will play out.

In the end, I just want a healthy pregnancy, a healthy delivery, and of course, a healthy baby.

Oh MY G-d. It is getting SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO close.

My life is about to change once more. I cannot wait to meet this baby that has been moving in my belly since week 14! And at the same time, I am not yet ready (mentally) for the big changes to come.

Just as I believed I would get pregnant one day, I have to believe that things will fall into place.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy watching my volleyball of a belly continue to grow and bond with Maya as much as possible these next few weeks.

Yikes!

28 weeks: Book II

2009-08-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well I am 28 weeks pregnant with baby number two!

This has been such a different pregnancy for me. I sometimes forget I am pregnant until I look down at my basketball or I jump when I feel that kick or punch. I feel bad because I don't want this baby to think I neglected it in any way. I haven't. I still take my prenatals every night and I haven't eaten any sushi, or anything else I'm not supposed to. It's just that I am so busy chasing after Maya who just turned 16 months that I don't have that time to give this pregnancy as much attention. But maybe that's a good thing because I spent SO much time being obsessively worried about Maya's pregnancy and I haven't had as much time to do that now. So maybe that's been healthier in a way.

I will say that I am sooooo tired all the time. Unlike my last pregnancy I don't have the luxury of spending hours on the couch and vegging and pigging out. The upside to this is that I haven't gained as much. The downside is that I miss my couch time :)

But I have to say that a 16 month old baby, while hard to chase after, is such a blast. Maya is so smart and sharp. I can't believe she knows what she knows. I am in awe of her everyday and I just want to eat her up. She has great vocabulary- saying mommy, hello, cheese, teeth, dog, duck and others... She is funny and goofy and I love getting to know her and watching her grow before my eyes.

I am so grateful.

Anyway, hope to write more soon. Not that anyone reads this anymore... it's okay though :)

nighty night!

Catch Up

2009-06-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a long time. Thanks Christy for reminding me : )

Things have been good. Maya is almost 14 months old and about to walk. She is hilarious. She knows where her nose, teeth, hair and toes are and she says "mama", "cheese", "hi" and "baby." We are enjoying her so much now because everyday she does something new and it has been so much fun to watch.

I have been doing well too. I am now 19 weeks pregnant! We did the amnio a few weeks ago and thank G-d all is normal and we know the gender but it's a secret for now :) My belly is big and it has been a bit hard chasing after a 14 month old but honestly, it's not bad at all. I am so excited to give Maya a sibling and the fact that they will only be 18 months a part is a great thing. They will hopefully be great friends for life. My nausea is still hanging around, but I am only throwing up about twice a week vs 5 times a day. This time I also started feeling movement around 14 weeks, which I just love love love!

In other news we are leaving Manhattan and moving to a nearby suburb. It is bittersweet for me as I am psyched to have more space, but I will miss having everything at my fingertips in terms of stores, friends, etc. Now I will have to make more effort and plans to do stuff, but it's only a 15 minute drive to the city, so hopefully I will be here at least once a week. We shall see....

Lots of life changes happening right now. I feel like I am living an "adult" life, which is a little scary, but I try not to let it stop me from having fun, and from not feeling "old". There is something about having children that has really made me think a lot about being an adult and sometimes it scares me. Yikes....

Anyway, so tired right now- going to rest while David give Maya a bath...

Hope you're all well out there! I am still following you :)

Here's a recent photo of Maya:

Happy First Birthday Maya!!!!

2009-04-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

My baby is one year old today! Happy birthday Maya!!!!

I can't believe a year has gone by and she is one year old. ONE. What a cool age. A clean slate. An entire future ahead of her to do whatever she wants. Amazing.

It's been a year filled with life changes-- from experiencing childbirth which for a while didn't think was ever going to happen, to watching my baby stand and clap her hands and wiggle her tushy. It's been a year filled with getting to REALLY know my husband and having many arguments and fights while we spent many a night not sleeping, to realizing this is my family now. MY family. I am building my family and we have ups and downs and we get through it. It's been a year filled with breastfeeding and stressing out about my milk supply to giving Maya her first piece of cheese and watching her chew with her big beautiful teeth. It's been a year of watching my body go through drastic changes from having a vaginal delivery to recovering from those stitches down there, to watching my boobs get full of milk, to having a baby use my boob for nourishment, to finally having sex again, and now, now... having another baby in my belly and going through the same pregnancy symptoms again. Amazing.

I will always embrace my little Maya for who she is and for who she will become. She is SO loved unconditionally. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY beautiful baby girl!!! We love you.

Nauseous

2009-04-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

I am 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. We saw little junior moving its arms and legs, so amazing! I had Maya with me in the room and she was crying, and wanting to leave-- but I sat there thinking how in less than 8 months (G-d willing) she will have a sibling. This is still so unreal to me. Pinch me.

I am so nauseous. Man. It is bad! I just threw up the pizza I had for dinner. My symptoms are the same as they were in my last pregancy. No meat, just dairy, dairy, and dairy. And the nausea is BAD.

But it's all good. I don't look pregnant, I don't feel any kicks yet, so it's the nausea and these ultrasounds that remind me of this amazing gift I have growing in my belly.

Please G-d keep this baby healthy and growing strong.

The Latest

2009-03-24T20:52:00.001-07:00

I am officially 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant today. I had a dr's appointment yesterday and all is well! So far so good :) We saw a strong beating heart, and even arm buds, etc. The changes in just two weeks are amazing. I am so relieved. I have been extremely nauseous and throwing up now daily. My eating habits are exactly the same as they were when I was pregnant with Maya- no chicken, just cheese, cheese and more cheese : )

This feels very surreal right now I have to say. I still don't quite believe I am pregnant. It is so unexpected and I am trying to understand it all and tell myself it is real. But I am terrified, just as I was before. I pray every day that this pregnancy be healthy with a healthy baby in the end.

That's all I can hope for.

News...

2009-03-15T18:59:00.001-07:00

I have been away from the computer for a while and didn't have a chance to post last week.

We had our first obgyn appointment on Tuesday and at 6 weeks and 2 days we were able to see a heartbeat!!!! It was there-- and I couldn't have asked for a better appointment. I go back in 10 days and I am still extremely nervous because it is soooo early and anything can happen, as I know all too well. The past two days I have been really nauseous and dizzy so while I feel gross, I am hoping it's because pooks is growing healthy and strong....

In other news...

Maya is 11 months old! Her birthday party planning is in full swing and it's going to be big! How could it not be?!?! : )

Take a look at my little lady : )

Life...

2009-03-05T16:01:00.000-08:00

Well we are days away from Maya turning 11 months old. She truly can turn any bad mood, into a smile. She is amazing, so full of personality and non-stop talking. She says MAMA all the time and she can stand and clap all by herself! She is mushy and delicious and she is becoming my best buddy.

On another note....
I admit I am TERRIFIED for Tuesday's ultra sound. I don't feel pregnant at all. I am tired, but was I this tired before? I don't know. I was nauseous yesterday but then not today. My boobs are not sore at all. I had some cramps the other day and my acupuncturist said that is normal. I guess it doesn't really matter, bottom line is I need to wait till Tuesday. I so want this baby -- more than anything, I want it for Maya. I want her to have a lifelong friend she can count on unconditionally. It is so important to me that she have this.

My fear is literally making me want to throw up right now, I am SO SCARED.

I am going to the appointment alone. Dave will be with Maya at home. What do I do if it's bad news?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THIS BABY BE HEALTHY.

Stll Speechless...

2009-02-26T13:34:00.000-08:00

So my beta numbers are in and they have more than doubled in the past 48 hours. Still pregnant. This doesn't seem real at all.

I have no real symptoms right now except major exhaustion around 1pm and on. I could just fall asleep standing. No sore boobs like I had with my last pregnancy and the dr. did tell me every pregnancy is different.

Well, still VERY scared of what's to come. I pray this pregnancy turns out as amazing as my last one did.

Holy Sh*t!!!!!! Is this really happening????!!!!!

Speechless.

2009-02-22T11:03:00.000-08:00

I just took a digital pregnancy test and it said "PREGNANT".

Ok.

Breathe.

This was not supposed to happen right away. It is SO unexpected.

I am happy. I am scared. I feel just like I did back on July 2007.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be a normal, healthy pregnancy.

YOWZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 Months!

2009-02-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

It is so hard to believe that 10 months ago (Apr 8th) I gave birth to Maya. In many ways she seems like she's been with us forever, and at the same time, it feels like just yesterday I was sitting on my couch staring down at my enormous belly, feeling the kicks, and trying to imagine the face of my baby.

And now I am planning a huge first birthday bash for her, and thinking about balloons, and puppeteers, and birthday cakes for my little girl.

Maya definitely has changed a lot this month. She knows when she is being silly. She loves to reach into David's shirt, grab his chest hairs and squeal with delight. It is hilarious (not so much for David of course :) If I am holding her and making her bottle with my other hand, she will grab my cheeks, eye lids, nose, you name it, and thinks it's hilarious when I scream "OUCH!"

She loves it when I twirl her and has the BEST laugh ever. It comes from deep deep down right in her gut. She is holding on and walking and loves to be on the ground. She cries hysterically when I leave the room and close the door. We are best buddies and we spend all day together.
If I wake up in a bad mood, I look at her and I can become happy again. She makes it very easy.

I am truly blessed to have this person in my life.

Snuggly

2009-02-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

I have never had Maya sleep in bed with me. In the morning when she wakes up at 6:45am(arrgh!!!) I will put her in bed next to me and she's awake, cooing and poking my face. This gives me a chance to slowly wake up as I am not a morning person at all.

This morning however, I had the most delicious treat yet. When I put her down in bed next to me, she fell asleep and we snuggled and slept together for an hour. Her little toes were right there and her tiny heart-shaped mouth so perfect and cute-- all right there next to me. Her baby smell and soft skin, all right there in bed with me. I wish I had a photo of this! It was pure coziness. And when she awoke, she was all smiles.

This has got to be the BEST way to wake up in the morning. Nothing beats it.

Maybe I'll get lucky again tomorrow morning : )

FIRST WORD!

2009-01-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

And guess what it is?

Yes.

It's.....

MAMA!!!!!

It's the best :)

9 months old

2009-01-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

Well our little Maya is 9 months old (on Jan 8th officially)!

She is sitting up (since 6 months) and is now pulling herself up to stand. She has 8 teeth!!! And I give her everything to eat except dairy, egg whites and all the other highly allergic stuff you probably know about. She can be really picky at times and will only take 5 spoonfuls of food and then locks her mouth shut. David dances for her and when she smiles, I'll sneak some food in there. It can be frustrating I admit because she is on the small side and I want her to grow grow grow! The doctor just keeps telling me to keep trying new things and old things and before you know it Maya will be enjoying all her foods.

The truth is I am just loving this baby so much and I feel like we are really best friends, as silly as that may sound. I spend all day with her and we just know eachother so well, and to feel this needed by another human being makes me feel special somehow-- it is the best role I have ever had in life.

So the days go on, time is going by quickly, but I am very aware of the time and really soaking this chapter of my life in as much as I can. Somedays I pick Maya up and I cradle her in my arms, like I used to when she was a newborn and I kiss her chubby cheeks and I dance around the room with her, and really just feel these moments with her. When she's 15 yrs old I won't be able to cradle her in my arms like this so I have to make sure I really don't let this time slip by.

Here's my girl!

TTC: Here We Go Again!

2008-12-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

We're back on the TTC train!

Yes, I am on CD 13 and have been testing for my LH surge for a few days now. Still nothing. (This is my 2nd period since I stopped breast feeding in October.)

Last month my LH surge came on day 16. So we shall see. This is the first cycle we are trying again since I conceived back in July 2007.

I can't believe it has been a year and half.

Why does it feel like just yesterday I was testing for my LH surge, waiting for that smiley face to appear on my digital ovulation stick, calling Dave when it finally did appear and announcing it was time to romp in the sheets yet again, and again and again. And then lifting my legs up in the air for like 45 minutes after each romp, praying that THIS time we would make a baby. Running to my acupuncture sessions twice a week, thinking only positive thoughts with each needle that pressed into my body. I would envision me walking a stroller down the street with a sleeping baby in it, or me holding a baby after just giving birth. I was envisioning it finally happening. It had to!

And by some miracle it did.

On July 30, 2007 the magical word appeared on my pregnancy test (for the second time)"PREGNANT" and there it was. And this time it stuck.

On April 8, 2008 I gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby girl.

I am now very ready to give her a sibling.

I am nervous, scared, anxious, tired, and excited to be on this journey again. It is somewhat different now that I have a baby because I am not focused on trying 24 hours a day like I was before. Maybe that is a good thing. My main focus is on my baby, so much so that I need to remind myself to test for ovulation by leaving myself a note each morning. This was not the case a year and a half ago. I lived and breathed TTC. I am back on my twice a week acupuncture sessions though and we will have to find the energy to romp once again in the sheets ALOT-- since this is definitely something we have to schedule these days.

So here we are back on the TTC train. yay.

I pray it goes quickly and easily this time with a healthy baby in the end.

Gratitude List '08

2008-11-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am grateful that we are all healthy.

I am grateful for a beautiful, thriving, healthy, baby girl.

I am grateful for a hardworking, patient, loving husband.

I am grateful to finally enjoy my first Thanksgiving with my new family of three.

I am grateful that Maya is energetic, and spunky, and is already wanting to walk! (at 7 months!!)

I am grateful that we will introduce chicken into Maya's diet and raise her solids to 3 meals a day!

I am grateful that I recently had a mammogram and it was normal.

I am grateful that aunt flo arrived 26 days after I stopped nursing and I had an LH surge on day 16 of my cycle.

I am grateful that I resumed acupuncture to get my body back to normal and it looks like it's working.

I am grateful that we will begin to start trying again very soon, and with lots of prayers and hope we will give Maya a healthy sibling sooner rather than later!

I am grateful we will go to my brother's for Thanksgiving this year.

I am grateful that Maya has so many cousins and is surrounded by so much love in her life.

I am grateful for her adorable squeals, babbles, and cooing.

I am grateful for the "Rock n Roll" baby class we are currently taking together.

I am grateful to have made some new mommy friends recently and spend time with them and their babies.

I am grateful that December brings lots of happy events for us-- David's birthday, Chanukah and our wedding anniversary!

I am grateful for this blog and how it's been therapeutic for me to be able to vent and express myself freely without ever feeling judged, and the support of my blog friends has always been amazing. Thank you!

I am grateful for a roof over my head, food on the table, and a comfortable bed to sleep in.

I am grateful for the ambition and hard work of my husband to be able to provide for us.

I am grateful always for my GROWING family of three.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Baby Love

2008-11-09T20:20:00.000-08:00

So I had mentioned a while back that Maya and I were on Goo*d Morning America a few weeks ago as part of a segment featuring baby photographer Rach*ael Hale and her new book Baby*love. In the segment Rachael photographs Maya and gives me tips on how to photograph her at home. It was so exciting to be on a national television show AND to have Maya photographed by such an amazing photographer was really special.

So this week I finally received some of the photographs.

Take a look!

Happy 7 Months Maya!

Oh My!

2008-10-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

Okay- is this wrong?

I just couldnt' help myself!

In case you're wondering that is my ponytail on Maya's head- not a wig : )

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-10-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

On October 15th I celebrated my 36th birthday. This was by far the most special birthday because my wish finally came true. I got to hold my 6 month old baby girl in my arms while I blew out my birthday candles. Something I have been wishing for long time...

I have so much love for this baby it's indescribable. She has the best smile and when her eyes light up when I walk in the room, I melt. Everywhere I go people stop me and tell me how beautiful she is. I still can't believe that we (and G-d) created this child. The other day the cashier in Banana Republic told me that my baby had made her day. What a compliment that is! To make some one's day?!? Amazing.

I am full of gratitude. Every night when I go to sleep I stare at her in her crib with her tiny toes curled in and her red lips forming the perfect little heart. I pray that she should be protected always and have a long and happy life. I look at her and all I want if for her to be happy. When she is upset I do everything I can to make her better. At least for now she needs me and this is exactly what I have been waiting for.

Thank you to the universe and to G-d for the most amazing birthday gift ever.

Happy 6 Months!

2008-10-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

Maya is 6 months this week!!!!

I can't believe I was in that hospital bed, pushing this beautiful miracle out of my body 6 months ago! It feels like yesterday, although so much has happened in the last six months.

Maya is now 14 lbs. and 1 oz. and is measuring in at 25.5 inches! She has two adorable teeth on the bottom and loves to squeal and cackle like a chicken when she wants my attention. Her favorite toy is a cloth book, mainly because she loves to eat it. She eats everything from my shirt to her feet. She loves sweet potatoes. Tomorrow I'll introduce pears. I am having a blast with her--- this time is just so much fun, watching Maya's personality grow and change everyday.

Tomorrow night Dave and I are going to a friend's wedding and I plan on having my first alcoholic beverage since spring 2007. Yowza.

Next Wednesday is my birthday and I thought the perfect way to bring in another year of life was to start with getting my body back to normal. So I scheduled my first acupuncture session. The last time I went was when I was about 9 weeks pregnant. I figured it worked two times. Let's hope it does its magic again.

Catch Up

2008-10-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks!

The biggest and most exciting news is that Maya and I are going to be on G.ood Morning America! We taped the segment last week and it will air next week! A friend of mine is friends with the producer and they needed a baby girl between 2-8 months for a segment on baby photography. They are interviewing Rachael Hale a baby photographer (her book is Baby.love) and the segment features her photographing Maya wearing little white shorts with roses around her neck -so precious! And then the segment features Rachael giving me advice on how to take good photos at home. It was SO much fun. Maya was a true model- smiling, and giving the most expressive faces. Everyone in the room was ooohing and aaahing. I was truly proud of her! The best part is that the photographer is sending us the prints and we will have these gorgeous professional shots of her to keep forever!

In other news Maya is now eating solids. We have tried rice cereal, oatmeal (she did not like this too much) and today was squash which she loves. She opens her mouth wide for me, it's so cute!

I am weaning her off breast milk and she now takes 4 bottles of formula a day. By next week, I will be completely done. It's very bittersweet- ending this chapter. But it's the right choice for me so I am trying to remember why I'm doing this.

In other news Maya now has 2 teeth- both on the bottom. So adorable. She is also standing(with help) and it seems like she wants to walk! She is so active and suddenly she has gone from this tiny, delicate infant to a bouncing baby girl! I can't believe she is almost six months!

Now that the weather is turning cool, it is reminding me of last year when I was about four months pregnant, feeling so excited and scared and never believing it would really happen.

And here we are with our beautiful miracle.....

The GMA segment airs Oct 20th. I hope we made it in there!

Time

2008-09-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

I want time to stand still!!!

I am going through some kind of sadness. It has to do with time and the fact that it keeps on moving.

Maya is now five and half months and has started eating solids AND I am weaning her off breast milk. I always thought I would breastfeed until she was 6 months old mainly because I want my period back. As I am no spring chicken and my history with conceiving has been far from reliable, we plan on trying again soon so getting flo would be a big help. Ugh.

But aside from that stuff, I am sad because even though it is my choice to stop breastfeeding her, emotionally, I am sad that we have reached the end of our final physical connection.

When I was pregnant and I would feel her movements, I was so happy. It was beyond anything I could have imagined. There was something so special about having her with me all the time, a bond I never felt before. And when I gave birth I felt depressed that she was no longer in me, there was an emptiness. And now as the next chapter of breastfeeding comes to an end, I am once again feeling a loss, an emptiness that we are growing farther apart. And it's hard. Logic tells me that of course I want her to grow and develop and be an individual. But my heart misses that physical bond we had that I can never get back.

I suppose this is all part of life.

I just wish we could freeze time for a bit so I would be able to savor this part of my life for just a little bit longer. Because the truth is, THIS has been the best part of my life so far and I don't want it to end.

5 Months!

2008-09-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

Maya turned 5 months yesterday!

She is changing everyday from rolling over(from stomach to back), to getting her first tooth, to giggling and cackling like a chicken, to non-stop talking, to sitting up straight, to putting her entire foot in her mouth. She is adorable! I love that when she wakes up she doesn't cry but rather looks up at her mobile, wiggles her legs around, and makes cooing sounds. It makes me feel like she's happy and content and I love knowing that.

Today we are going to our first "Shape Up With Baby" class where we both get to do fun exercises together. I hope she likes it!

In other news I have had to add one bottle of formula to her breastfeeding diet because she hasn't been gaining enough weight. I knew she was still hungry after I breastfed her because I can't keep up with her demand for more- my body just wasn't making enough milk. So she hates the formula (it's hyper allergenic) but she manages to finish most of her 5 ounce bottle. I hope this helps. She gets weighed again next Wednesday. Her chunky legs look good to me so I'm trying not to get too worried.

I so wish time would stand still for me right now. Just for a little while. We are going to start trying again soon and I'm dreading it. I know we have to because I am 35 and I don't know how long it will take or what the journey will be like (i.e. another miscarriage). So I can't take anything for granted. I just hope and pray that it happens quickly this time without any complications along the way. I so want Maya to have a sibling.

But for now I am enjoying today and this time in my life. I hear people telling me all the time how quickly they grow up. So I'm soaking it all in, appreciating it all as it happens and like I said, taking none of this for granted. I feel very lucky.

Happy 5 month Maya Papaya!

We're Back! (and random updates...)

2008-09-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our summer vacation in Quebec and Lake Placid. Both are such pretty locations. Quebec is full of charm, flowers EVERYWHERE and I love French, plus I had the best cantaloupe sorbet- yum! Lake Placid looks like a painting- the scenery is gorgeous, the lake is beautiful, tress reflecting off of it, and the air is clean and fresh. I did not want to come back to the hot, dirty streets of NYC. But alas....

Maya is a great traveller. She is very easygoing and loves people. We were stopped constantly by people cooing and smiling at her- she loved it and would giggle and squeal- that's her new thing. She squeals all the time, it's as if she's discovered her voice! Another new thing is she loves holding cell phones and TV remote controls. What's up with that? My husband thinks she has a future in technology. But she also absolutely loves to see any singing or dancing. At night sometimes to soothe her, we'll put on taped American Idol episodes and she just loves the music. Also my husband plays the piano, so every night they have their ritual of playing piano together.

On another and unexpected note, I have been approached by the museum I worked for to write a memoir of a Holocaust survivor. I am definitely honored and excited, it's just hard finding the time to work on this! My days are consumed with taking care of Maya and she's a light napper, so I don't really have chunks of time to write during the day. I was honest about this with them and they were fine. I'm going to try working on it at night when David comes home and see how it goes. I am officially starting today, but getting started is kind of making me a little nauseous, it's just so much! But I am determined. This reminds me of my college days when getting started on papers was the hardest part but then once I was over the hump, it was fine. So I just need to get through this part and I think the story will write itself. I'm psyched to get published though!

So back to Maya- she turns five months on Monday!! Where is the time going? I like it and hate it at the same time. I love watching her grow and develop, but I don't want her to grow up too fast! We start her on solids in two weeks! How is this possible when I feel like I just pushed her out of my hooha? It really feels like it was yesterday. Oh how I loved that day....

Anyhoo I better stop procrastinating and get to work. My once- a -week nanny is here so I better use my time wisely.

More soon! In the meantime here we are in Lake Placid..

My Baby is Growing Up!

2008-08-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

Maya's first tooth just popped out! It's on the bottom and I can see it and definitely feel it. She is 4 months and 11 days! I can't believe it! Where is the time going?

ps. no tooth photos yet- she won't let me! : )

4 months!

2008-08-10T14:27:00.000-07:00

Maya is now 4 months old!

Some highlights:

- She is rolling over! As of a few days ago she has rolled over from her stomach to her back about five times now! We smother her with kisses and she's like "What's all the hoopla about?" So cute!

- She is now in her regular stroller and can sit up and see the world! For Maya this is HUGE. She is very alert and always has been, so seeing everything makes her so happy. She looks around and gets excited and it's really amazing to watch. Of course her absolute favorite thing is when I pick her up over my shoulder and walk the city streets with her, she has a great view and she's so happy.

- She giggles! Both David and I give her "rides" on our legs and she giggles with sound and her face lights up- it's the best!

- She had her 4 month checkup last week and weighs 12.6 pounds and is 24 and a quarter inches, so my breast milk is working and she's growing well.

- On the down side- she seems to not be able to tolerate milk protein so I have had to cut dairy out of my diet. The dr. told us usually babies outgrow this once they can eat dairy on their own between 6-9 months so hopefully that will happen. The positive side is that it forces me not to eat anymore ice cream, frozen yogurt or cake. So maybe I will lose these last 17 pounds after all.

- When Maya is on her belly she talks and talks. Something about the position makes her so chatty. I love it!

- She now sleeps on her side with her hand swung over her face. For some reason she finds this position most comfortable. I of course am concerned she will suffocate herself but the dr. informed me as long as she is not wearing long sleeves she is fine. (They don't want the fabric in her face.)

- Her 3 month old outfits are too small! She is getting big and chunky and her thighs are full of rolls. I could eat them up!

I have to say that when I look at Maya's face everything just becomes okay. She makes me SO happy. I am having a blast with her and I love seeing her smiling face at 6am when I am beyond exhausted. I just love her so much, I don't have the words to describe this kind of love.

Here's my girl!

One Year

2008-07-13T20:59:00.000-07:00

We just returned from a trip to Cape Cod. I love it there so much. There is something about the smell of fried seafood in the air, lighthouses in the distance and that cool, crisp air that just makes me feel so relaxed and alive.

A year ago this week we had just come back from the same trip. It was also the first time we had been able to try again after the miscarriage and I had felt so sad that auntie flo had shown herself on that trip, leaving me with those uneasy thoughts of what if it takes another year or longer to get pregnant again. I hated that time.

But then I got pregnant- somehow, the following month. And now I am a mother. I still can't believe it, it still doesn't feel like this is my life. Sometimes I feel like I am just babysitting. Is she really mine? How lucky I am.

This year we returned to the Cape as a family of three.

Here she is-- my little Maya, 3 months old at the beach in Cape Cod. She is SO loved.

Stuff

2008-06-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

It must be hard being a single parent. David is in Florida for work and I have been taking care of Maya on my own for the past two days. I am doing much better than I thought although I am more tired (if that's even possible). I am devoted to her 24 hours, just me. In a way I kind of love it actually- she needs me and I am here for her. I feel thankful that I can be. So when I think like this I stop my brain from complaining about the lack of sleep, and the fact that David gets to have three uninterrupted glorious nights of sleep, in addition to going to the bathroom freely, not having to eat with one hand, etc. BUT- He is after all missing out on four days of her life and I feel lucky that I am not.

On another topic....

I went to my first new mommy class with Maya last week and it was a room full of moms and babies under a year old. The topic was babies and learning. I don't remember much about the lecture, but I did love meeting some new moms and going to lunch with them afterwards. They were really easy to talk with- and we talked about everything, from sex to tummy time. It felt great to have some other new moms to talk to, especially since as I mentioned, I have felt lonely. So this was definitely a step in the right direction for me.

In one hour and six minutes Maya will be 12 weeks old. 12 weeks. I gave birth 12 weeks ago. I don't want the time to move but at the same time i can't wait to see Maya growing and changing. She is already rolling to her side and pushing herself to roll over all the way. She is extremely alert and loves it when I carry her around in the streets of Manhattan. Today she made me follow a pigeon because she was so excited and fascinated by him. It is really too cute! She has a full head of black hair and everywhere I go I am stopped about her "gorgeous hairdo!". Maya is also so friendly and smiles at everyone; she is so expressive and happy. I just love her to pieces. She is SO loved.

On another note, I had some very light spotting on Saturday and Sunday. I am breastfeeding exclusively so I don' expect a period for a while. I went to the Dr. and everything looked fine, he said it's normal to spot once in a while especially when breastfeeding and told me there is no set rule about when the period will come. I just feel like my body is so different now. Physically I am on a mission to lose 20 pounds. But even more than that, it is weird not knowing when I'm ovulating, when my period will come, etc. I loved being in tune with my body and now I don't recognize it at all. I admit I am anxious to get my period because I want to know that my body is back and working properly. I want to know that I will ovulate again. Why? Because yes, in the back of my mind I think about number two and that fear of what if it doesn't happen? What if there's another miscarriage? That year and half of pain has left many scars I tell ya. I tell myself, it's early yet to be worrying. Let's give it a little more time to get back to myself.

So that's about it for now. On Thursday we head to Cape Cod. We were there the same week last year. How life has changed in a year. That's the thing about life; you never know what's around the corner.

Here's my Maya!

10 Weeks

2008-06-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

Maya is 10 weeks today!

She is weighing about 11 pounds and measuring 23 inches! She was 7 lbs. 4 oz. and measured 19.5 inches when she was born. So she's a grow'in! : )

******************************************

Some thoughts right now in my head:

I am lonely.

As much as I love being a mother and a stay at home mom, it is an adjustment. I long for adult conversations. I have worked for many years and had one of those high-powered PR jobs where I traveled all the time, attended black-tie fundraisers, etc and now I wear sweatpants and tank tops and my hair is in a ponytail and I'm in flip flops everyday. Yes, it is an adjustment.... The lonely part is only a little hard. It doesn't consume me, but it is there. The good news is that now that Maya is a little bigger and she's gotten her vaccinations, I can venture out more into the world of "mommy and me" classes and new mommy luncheons I hear they have all over Manhattan.

My days consists of feedings, tummy time (she hates it!), and taking our 2 hour walks in the neighborhood or park, mixed in with lots of baby smiles and coos and storytelling and singing.

Some days we meet friends for lunch if they are off work or don't work. But otherwise, it can be very isolating on the days where we have no plans. Like tomorrow. What will we do tomorrow? Where will we walk to? The post office again? yay. :)

I'm not complaining! I love spending time with my baby and I do enjoy our days. It's the not having anyone to talk to all day that is the hard part....

I just need to find some new mommy friends and I know that will help a lot. It is by choice that I am staying home to raise her. I couldn't imagine it any other way. But like with any change, it takes time to get comfortable and I'm slowly getting there. It has only been 10 weeks after all, right? With every new job there is that 3 month probation period. So I think I'm doing pretty well and before I know it I won't be able to imagine any other way of life.

I know that I am very lucky to be in this position and watch Maya's personality change before my eyes. Everyday is a new expression, a new behavior (she just started sucking her fingers and entire hand too sometimes!) a new something or other and it's amazing. I think she knows who I am-- although she smiles at everyone, so I can't be sure. But I heard babies recognize voices so I'm hoping she knows me.

Regardless, I am her mother, and I feel like her mother especially when she's hungry and she looks at me with panting eyes, begging for food. And we walk over to our usual spot which she now knows, and she waits for me to unbuckle my nursing bra and her legs are flailing and she's panting some more, and then pop! She latches right on and her body relaxes and I watch her guzzle that milk, and she is happy and satisfied and nourished. I waited so long for this and there really is nothing I'd rather be doing....

Here's this week's fun photos! When I see this face, all that "lonely" talk goes out the window.

2 Months!

2008-06-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

Maya is 2 months!

She is a happy, smiling, sweet baby, so alert and curious. When I speak to her she listens and coos and I swear she wants to talk back so badly, I can see it in her face. She loves it when we read to her, and when we carry her around the apartment, showing her photos and describing each one. She loves to have her hair washed; she puts her head back and closes her eyes, and just relaxes. It is adorable to watch.

Overall she really is a great baby; only cries when she's hungry and during tummy time when she gets so frustrated with having to lift her head....but we gotta do it! She is a light sleeper though and hasn't slept for more than 3 hour stretches at night. During the day she might sleep for 30 minutes here and there if we're lucky. But in the car, she will sleep the entire time and also when I push her in her stroller. Other than that, sleep has been the greatest challenge.

This week she is going for her 2 month checkup and vaccinations. I have to admit, I am nervous about the vaccinations-- the during part-- since I have heard babies will scream with pain and I don't know if I can handle that. The other part is the 48 hours afterwards and the risk of her getting a fever. I hope she doesn't even though I know it's normal to get a low grade fever. But I am nervous about it, so let's hope it doesn't happen. I kind of just want this week to be over with. It will be stressful.

I went to see the Sex in the City movie last night with a friend (Dave and his buddy babysat!) and as I sat enjoying the movie, I have to say I was thinking about my baby and her sweet face and I was missing her! It made me realize how much I just love love love this baby and I just want to protect her in any way I can. I guess this is what being a mother is all about.

Here's my girl!

Seeing the World for the First Time

2008-06-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

We took Maya on her first picnic this past Sunday.

We put a blanket out on the grass and detached the bassinet part of her stroller and put it on the blanket so she could nap in it. We brought sandwiches, cookies, melon, chips and snacked away, while we sat under a huge beautiful tree, with the blue sky peeking its way through the leaves. It was the perfect setting....

The best part for me; holding Maya up and pointing out the leaves and the blue sky and introducing her to the "world". She looked everywhere, not knowing where to turn with her blue/green/gray eyes. Imagine seeing all of this for the first time? It made me appreciate the "world" I guess, and in that moment I was looking at the world through her eyes, and it was truly magnificent.

Here we are looking at eachother....

What a Face

2008-05-21T13:30:00.001-07:00

Maya is 6 weeks old now. She is so lovable. I am so incredibly lucky to have this little girl in my life. She is filling it with so much happiness and laughter. I miss her when she is napping. And when she cries, my heart breaks. When she laughs, I melt. She loves the sounds of crickets to fall asleep to (on her mobile), and she smiles and coos when I shake my ponytail in front of her face. Maya is becoming so full of personality, and everyday I spend with her is truly a gift.

Here is Maya kind of smiling- my camera is a second off, so I keep missing the full smiles- but she is so smiley now, I can't take it!!!!!!!!!!!
How cute is this hat!?!

Don't Let Me Turn Into a Boring Old Lady!

2008-05-18T00:11:00.000-07:00

This week was the 4th anniversary of my first date with Dave.

So we thought it would be a great excuse for a "date" as it has been so long since we've been out on the town. Plus, as I am exclusively breastfeeding and whipping out my boobs everywhere all the time, there has been a lack of, shall we say----feeling sexy. In fact, I am starting to feel like my husband is my brother and I need to stop this immediately. I was looking forward to putting on makeup, heels, and just looking like the sexy woman I once knew myself to be....

So guess what- the date didn't happen : (

My mom was supposed to babysit and she doesn't drive. I live in Manhattan, she lives in Brooklyn and my husband was going to pick her up. It's about an hour drive. Well, the car battery died and it wasn't fixed until hours later which turned into 11pm. So we cancelled.

I was disappointed and then I realized how my carefree days are really gone.

I have spent so many years living my life for me and now it is so not about me anymore. Having a child is really selfless, isn't it? I mean, I don't have time to do anything anymore-- some days I don't even have a minute to eat and it will be 5pm and I'll have eaten nothing all day (I know this is bad!). I am told as time goes by it will get easier, but the fact is having children really does change our lives.

I am obviously grateful for this "change" and Maya is so worth it all-- but it does make me think that as we get older and more comfortable in our ways, any kind of change is much harder to adapt to-- and maybe it's because I'm in my mid 30's and spent so many years partying, going out with friends at any hour on any night and now that I am a new mother, I can't do that anymore! My baby is totally dependant on me. Which I admit, I really love-- but it does feel strange. It feels like I am an adult now, but sometimes I fear that this means I will turn into a boring old lady. I know it's silly to think this, but I still feel that I must continue to have a fun life and be the best mother to my child. I can have both, it will just take effort.

So I have to continue to plan fun things for us to look forward to, trips and dinners with friends and excuses to put my heels on and still be the best mom to my Maya. I know it can be done!

I can never be a boring old lady!

Thank You Maya

2008-05-13T01:37:00.000-07:00

I celebrated my first Mother's Day this year.

It is amazing how life can change in just one year. It was one year ago that I was picking up the pieces after a recent miscarriage. I remember asking Dave back then, would I be celebrating Mother's Day next year? And he replied with certainty, yes I would be. I had so wanted to believe him, but deep down I couldn't imagine it.

And here I am now, one year later - I am a mother.

It feels so natural to be a mother that I don't feel any different. I feel like I have known Maya my entire life, and when I hold her I am so comfortable and relaxed. It is like I have always been doing this and it's hard to remember life before now.

What I am a bit sad about is that time is moving. As much as I love watching her grow and develop, I don't like the fact that the experience of giving birth is moving farther and farther away. I always want it to feel like it just happened. I know it must sound strange. For me giving birth is the thing that I still can't believe I accomplished. It's like being a mother feels very natural but the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to Maya is what I still can't wrap my brain around. Weird, huh?

Anyway these are just some thoughts I've been having lately...

I am so grateful that I am in this place now and I take nothing for granted. It was a long, and very bumpy road to get here and I feel so lucky.

Maya is growing and developing such a cute personality- she will look at your face and it's like she just wants to talk to you. She is so funny and alert and I can watch her for hours. Sometimes during our 3am feedings she'll fall asleep in my arms afterwards and I will hold her for another hour just so that I can stare at her face, her perfect red heart- shaped lips and her black lashes, and her baby smell. It all just melts my heart.

Thank you Maya for coming into my life, for making me a mother, for making me your mother.

ONE MONTH!

2008-05-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

I can't believe Maya is a month old.

Time is flying by.

Must remember to savor this time and soak it all in.

Happy One Month Maya!

Three Weeks

2008-05-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

Maya turned three weeks this week.

As much as I still miss being pregnant and going through that intensity of giving birth, I am trying to focus on the now and this beautiful little girl I get to raise.

She is changing everyday. Her eyes are still blue and I hope they don't change, as it seems she looks just like her dad except for the blue eyes which come from me. I want her to have a little part of me and if it's the eyes, I will gladly take that.

We have been doing "tummy time" everyday and today she lifted her head twice on her own while on her belly. I am so proud. I was cheering her on as she struggled with frustration to maneuver her little body. My Maya is a fighter and I love that quality.

On another note, the past two days I have noticed my milk supply seems to be dwindling. She seems to not be getting enough milk from my left breast and gets so frustrated-- I don't blame her! Then when I pump I am barely making 2oz. whereas last week I was making over 3 oz. in a 10 minute session. I haven't been drinking a lot of water and today started drinking more. Does anyone have any advice/tips? My doula suggested raspberry leaf tea and my pediatrician said two cups a day is fine. Anything else? I'm hoping my supply will get back to normal very soon. I'm not too worried as she is "going to the bathroom" after every feeding which I know is a good sign.

Other than that I am trying to get into some kind of groove. I am sleep deprived and get about three hours a day. Maya is a night owl and it's hard to get her to sleep in her bassinet. She loves to sleep in my arms, but after an hour, I'm ready to put her down. David helps but he needs sleep to function at work especially now that he is the bread winner. Weekends are great though since he helps more and I can sleep a little more. I have also been taking Maya out in her fancy stroller (my mother-in-law purchased the bugaboo frog stroller which half of the upper east side of NYC seems to have). She loves to take walks and falls into a peaceful sleep every time. I love how she looks in her little knitted hats and sweaters. She really is a doll. Our favorite activity though are the sponge baths. She loves loves loves having her hair washed. She puts her head back, closes her eyes and is so relaxed and so adorable, I want to eat her up. Last night David videotaped it and it is so cute to watch.

So this is my life. It is now 1:47am and David is walking around the apartment with Maya in her swaddle, in his arms, trying to get her to fall asleep. I never thought I would be in this "place" and well, here we are. Thank you G-d.

Words Not Necessary...

2008-04-21T22:07:00.001-07:00

For My Own Memory...

2008-04-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

My labor & delivery:

April 7th: One day overdue. Go to Dr. appt to be monitored. Dr. informs me I am having contractions every few minutes. She sends me to the hospital to be monitored more closely. No real pain, just pressure. At hospital still having contractions, Dr. tells me I am in very early labor and 2 cm dilated. He tells me to come back later that night to check in, plan on delivering next day.

I go home and a few hours later begin to feel period cramps. Call the Dr. He tells me to check into the hospital now!

Check into the hospital and get settled right in the birthing room. Still having period cramps and pressure. Dr. comes in and does vaginal exam, tells me no change, let nature take its course and we'll see how things progress in the am.

Dave and I say up most of the night, can't sleep, too nervous plus having mild cramps.

April 8th: Still no progress in the morning. Dr. breaks my water. Enjoy the warm gush of liquid (it was like a spa treatment!). Dr. administers petossin in my IV to get things going. Now starting to feel major pain, Dr. examines me and I have passed my mucus plug and have the bloody show. Dr. is pleased. Pain is getting more and more intense, and so I decide to have the epidural. Dr. is very patient and kind with the epidural, I was really nervous about it. Wasn't bad and best part -- no more pain!

Now in active labor for 4 hours. Napping mostly-- epidural is an amazing invention!

6pm: Now begin to feel the urge to push (like constipated type of feeling). I request to have a mirror in front of me so I can see everything (thought was this would motivate me to push more) Dave and nurse lift my legs up and Dr. stands in front of me. I begin to push and the pressure is CRAZY. After ten minutes of pushing, nurse says she can see the hair of the baby. I can now see it too in the mirror. I am shivering and then sweating. Nurse takes my temperature and sure enough I have a fever! Dr. reassures me it's just an infection from the vaginal exams and they administer antibiotics in my IV. I continue pushing. I can feel the head slowly pushing out of me-- then I see it in the mirror and it is unbelievable. I see a full head of black hair-- my baby! Dr. then tells me one more push and I push like I've never pushed and out comes the body and all the other "stuff"-- I can hear the gushing sound. David is watching it all in the mirror and is in disbelief. Baby arrives at 6:46pm.

They bring the baby over to me and I am in awe. She is staring up at me and I can't believe this is the person I have been carrying around inside of me. This is my little pal. She is beautiful and I am relieved that she is healthy. Dr. informs me she will have to go to the NICU because of my fever and to make sure she doesn't have an infection. I can still breastfeed her and hold her, but she can't sleep in my room. I am disappointed but I know it's for the best.

They take her away, and clean me up. I am feeling incredible. Full of energy. I can do anything. It is such a high, I don' know the words to explain it. It was beyond happiness... I did it. She is here. She is alive. She is healthy.

I go home 48 hrs later on Thursday April 10, 2008-- one week ago today.

That's my story. I miss those moments. I guess I just wanted to make sure I got it all down before I forgot the details.

One Week....

2008-04-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that one week ago today I was pushing a human being out of my body.

Did I really do that?

I am still in somewhat of a daze; that combined with no sleep has left me feeling strange, I guess.

I am breastfeeding Maya every 3 hours and my nipples are completely bruised. It's now finally starting to get better but it still hurts. I have a doula who comes over a few times a week and helps me breastfeed, and gives me great tips to take care of Maya. I'm definitely glad I hired her.

Overall things are really good-- I have such an adorable baby girl that I just can't get enough of. She is so alert for a newborn, her eyes are wide and full of life and character and I just know she will be full of spice. I am excited to see what she will become, but I am also not rushing this time I have with her-- it is such a precious time.

I guess in the background somewhere in my heart I am also feeling sad. I know it's common to feel some depression after giving birth, but after my long and painful journey to get here, I never thought I would feel sad after receiving the greatest gift of my life. In fact, I think of myself as having no right to feel sad -- how dare I ? But I do. I think it's the nostalgia of being pregnant, awaiting this baby for so long, going through the most intense experience of a vaginal birth and now I'm home with my baby and I miss all of that. Isn't that weird? I always thought THIS is the part that would make me happy- and right now I am missing all the pre-birth stuff I was waiting for to be over.

I don't kn0w. I am sure it will pass and maybe once I start to get out more, take Maya for walks, get my old body back, I'll feel better. It's like I almost feel lonely. And maybe that's just the loneliness of Maya not being inside of me anymore and feeling an emptiness inside. I think I miss having her with me all the time.

I know, it's nuts.

I want to end this post with a positive note.

When I hold Maya close to me and I talk to her and she looks up at me with those eyes, I feel in my heart that we have known each other all our lives. She is familiar to me and the bond is strong. I love her and I will embrace her for who she is and who she will become. I am finally a mother and I need to remember how lucky I am.

Thank you G-d for this amazing gift...

Our Miracle Has Finally Arrived!

2008-04-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

Introducing our beautiful baby GIRL

Maya Yehudit

Born on April 8, 2008 at 6:45 pm

7 pounds 4 oz.

19.5 inches

We are bursting with joy, gratitude, and so much unconditional love for this amazing gift.

Labor and deliver were just fine-- 40 minutes of pushing and out she came with eyes wide open staring at me as if we have known each other forever.

I am so thankful to all of you who helped me on this journey.

More to come soon!

Still Preggars

2008-03-31T16:54:00.000-07:00

I am 39 weeks pregnant today--- we are getting soooooooo close!

Today at my weekly Dr. appointment he told me my cervix was soft and I am beginning to dilate! Hoorah! The plan is that if I go past my due date (April 6th), I will go in to the Dr's office the next day for a stress test to make sure the baby is still safe inside me and then, I will be induced on April 10th if I don't give birth before then. The Dr doesn't want me to go past 41 weeks. I'm okay with that-- as I am beyond excited to meet this person who has taken over my body!

My life is about to change in the next 10 days. This is a definite. Yet- my brain has not been able to accept it. I can't imagine it-- I can only fantasize about it. I think I am still afraid to accept it. I think I am afraid to believe that things might actually go smoothly and work out. I think my struggles to conceive are still so with me everyday- that I can't just let go of the fears and embrace the happiness that everyone else feels is going to happen.

I need to hold on to my faith, I know.

Yes I am beyond excited, yes I am bursting with gratitude. But in the end, right now I have to admit, I am scared.

Please please G-d keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....

2008-03-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well I am 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant today. I am so ready to have this baby! I feel like I am just in the waiting phase now and the time seems to be d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g.....

I had my weekly Dr. appointment today and my cervix is still soft but no dilation. Boo. My blood pressure went up slightly from 110/70 to 120/70 but the doctor says that is still normal. We heard a healthy heartbeat and I didn't ask what the number was-- I am trying to just trust the Dr. and not ask for every single detail.

My little is still break dancing and moving around a lot. Sometimes my stomach is completely lop-sided-- it's soooo cooool! I know that there are women who didn't like being pregnant out there, but I have to say I have loved it. I really have. Despite the vomiting for the first 6 months, the heart burn, the now swollen hands, and dark brown nips, I have really loved it and every month that brought on a new change, has amazed me. It is truly a miracle.

Now all we need is to get this baby out!!!!

Well I decided to post a belly shot of me at 38 weeks. I know, it's huge!

Please G-d Keep our baby safe, growing healthy and strong...

6 Pounds 13 oz!

2008-03-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

No no I haven't given birth yet! : )

But it is how much our "little" is weighing right now according to the fetal weight scan we had this week. I am 37 weeks and 4 days pregnant today!

All is looking great. We even saw a chubby thigh and the baby was "caressing the placenta" with his/her face as the technician put it. Too cute! I also had an internal exam and it looks like my cervix is starting to thin out which as the doctor put it, "things are starting to happen!". YOWZA!!!!! I am more excited than scared right now as I am soooooooooo looking forward to meeting this baby. He/she has literally taken over my body.

Luckily most of my weight gain (about 30 pounds) has all been in the belly area, so everything else looks the same. I haven't worn my rings or watch in a month-- my hands are swollen and my finger tips are numb. I have major heartburn still and leg pain at night, but I don't even care. I love love love this baby and I am oooozing with gratitude.

Next week is my last week of work too-- it will be wierd not going back to work, as I plan to be a full time mom, something I always wanted to do. In time though I am sure I'll end up freelance writing or something... But yes, so looking forward to raising our little and I am thankful we can do that.

Anyway, I guess now we wait and wait and wait and hopefully very soon, I will get to meet this amazing gift.

Please please G-d keep our little healthy, safe and growing strong...

Tired & Excited

2008-03-11T11:57:00.001-07:00

All is well here (thanks Gemini Girl for checking in).....

I have just been so tired and lazy.... I am 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant today-- yowza!!!!!!

I have been feeling my giant "little" moving like crazy and loving it- the movements are just so intense, I am woken up at night when I finally do fall asleep and my stomach just moves up and down on its own, it's so cool!

My legs get really crampy at night because sleeping on my side and putting all the weight of my body on one leg makes it really painful. I bought a "wedge" pillow that helps support my huge belly so that helps a lot. But between the sore legs, stiff fingers and a disco dancing baby I sleep about 3 hours a night. Yes, I know I will be sleeping less later on ; )

Saturday it was pouring rain here in NYC and Dave and I really needed to do some important errands like pick out a take home outfit (which the store is holding for us), buy me some new sneakers, and some other stuff. Given that we live in the city, I am a walker, so sometimes I forget that my body is not the same and I totally overdid it on Saturday, plus it was raining hard, which made it harder to maneuver. Long story short, I have been so run down since then, I haven't been at work these past two days, I feel like my body just needs rest. But tomorrow I'll return and hopefully make it through the day without falling asleep at my desk.

Sunday we had a hospital tour and yes, it freaked me out. I am actually going to be giving birth in one way or another. My brain just won't accept that for some reason and I can't picture it. I want to, but it doesn't seem like it will really happen. Will it really happen?

The last stop of the tour was the nursery and there were two 7 pound babies that had been born that day. What can I say, they were so beautiful, perfect, and I wanted to take them both home- but David said we couldn't. We will have our little to take home very soon (G-d willing). We will, right?

So that's life right now. Tomorrow I have my weekly Dr. appointment with an internal exam- sooooo looking forward to that part (not).

Please G-d, continue to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong...

Progression

2008-02-25T11:03:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow I am 34 weeks.

It is getting soooooo clooooose!!!!

I am starting to freak out a bit. I think I am most nervous about delivering. I know it will be painful, and I am scared- yes. But I try to remember that women have been doing this for millions of years and if they can do it-- I can do it.

Meanwhile, I may be meeting our baby sooner than April 6th. According to the doctor, the baby's weight is in the 67th percentile-- nothing major but do I want to deliver a baby that is 7 pounds or 9 pounds? My answer to that is I just want to deliver a baby that is healthy. So I have a sonogram in the next week or so and we shall see. As of 2 weeks ago baby weighed 4 pounds and 3 oz. So I'm guessing baby weighs about 5 pounds now which from what I read online, that's close to normal for 34 weeks give or take a few ounces.

In other news, my mom surprised us and told us she is buying us all the baby furniture- so nice! So we picked everything out this weekend and it will all be delivered once baby is delivered : )

This coming weekend Dave's mom is taking us stroller shopping.

Tonight I am meeting the pediatrician.

Holy Cow. This is happening.

The best part right now; Feeling my not so "little" baby walk and dance around my belly. I cannot wait to meet this person!

Please G-d continue to keep our baby safe, healthy and growing strong...

In Love...

2008-02-14T09:05:00.001-08:00

While I want to say that since it is Valentine's Day today, I will dedicate this post to my loving and incredible husband, I have to admit that at this moment I just can't focus on anyone else but our little-- growing inside of me, over 4 pounds now-- a real human. Yes, I am in love.

At night when I'm watching TV, I will feel a slow, steady movement under my belly button, and sure enough, suddenly there will be a round bulge sticking out of one side of my stomach. This is our little's head (as we learned in our 32 week scan this week, it's face down now). And I put my hand on this perfect ball- like shape, really not believing that this is my baby's head that I am feeling. It is almost surreal.

I feel so close to my baby right now, and the love I feel is just oozing out of me. I didn't know I had this in me, I have never felt this kind of love before. It's different-- there is something so powerful, intense, amazing, unconditional-- I don't know how else to describe it.

And then a few minutes later I'll tap my belly, and the kicks and roles will start near my ribs and I'll stare at my stomach moving on its own- up and down, and it's as if we're "playing" with eachother. There is such a strong and deep connection between us, it feels too good to be true. Do I really get to have this?

I call our little my "bodymate", rather than a roomate-- my bodymate lives in me, travels around with me, and keeps me company 24 hours a day. I am so in love...

In just 7 weeks (G-d willing), I will be holding my dream in my arms. I am so thankful.

Please G-d keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong...

32 Weeks and 3 Days!

2008-02-13T08:18:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am 32 weeks and 3 days pregnant!

We had our 32 week scan yesterday and our little is weighing 4 pounds and 3 ounces-- soooo proud! We even saw fingernails-- fingernails! Amazing! The head is down, so hopefully it will stay this way and everything is measuring and working properly. Again, just so proud of our little.

So since yesterday I have finally allowed myself to think a little about strollers, crib decor and baby nurses v.s. post partum doulas (since I plan to breast feed, I heard post partum doulas are more useful.... but I will speak to both and see what's a better fit). This is a huge step for me and while we are not going to be bringing any baby stuff into our home until we have a live healthy baby, I am allowing us to research what we need so we can have it ready to go once our little is here. Luckily my sister in law is giving us a crib, changing table, and cradle-- although we plan on buying new mattresses, sheets and bumpers, etc. And everything will be brought to our home while I'm in the hospital to be set up. This is the plan-- I pray it goes this way. Because the truth is I still don't take anything for granted and I just can't get too comfortable yet.

That's just me I guess...

But so far so good and all I can do now is keep the faith that it will stay this way.

Please G-d keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong...

Looking in the Face of My Past

2008-01-29T15:13:00.000-08:00

My grandparents were my everything when I was younger. I was always with them, preferring their company over my own parents. They were affectionate, kind, warm, loving and I always felt like I was number one when I was with them- despite being one of 13 grandchildren. I was just so loved. I do believe that my grandmother "saved" me in so many ways -- too much to get into now, but I am who I am because of her.

My grandparents were Holocaust survivors- each having been married to other people, each having their own children before they met each other. Tragically, and beyond any comprehension, their spouses and children were all murdered in the Holocaust, while they each survived. Later on, fate brought them together and my grandparents met while hiding in a forest somewhere on the outskirts of Lithuania. Somehow, through some kind of strength, they rebuilt their lives, married, moved to Israel and had five children together- one of which is my mother.

I was very close to my grandparents until they died when I was around 15 years old. Way too soon. But I have always kept them close to my heart, they are always with me, and I don't think a day has gone by where I don't think about them.

Three years ago I left my 10 year career in Pharmaceutical Public Relations and decided to focus my time on something more personally fulfilling. I landed a job with a world-renown Holocaust education center and museum and I have been working directly with the Chairman- a Holocaust survivor.

My boss, the Chairman, is my grandfather. Not literally. But his face, his hands, his Eastern European accent, his mannerisms bring me back to my grandfather. When I am around him, I feel as if I am in the company of my grandparents and in this way, I have kept their memory alive everyday. I know this much--there was nothing random or coincidental about getting this job. It was meant to be. I absolutely have loved working with this man....

Yesterday, he and his wife left for Florida. They will be there through April, which means that I probably won't be seeing them as I am due in early April. When he said goodbye to me, he hugged me, kissed me on both cheeks and told me these words, " I want you to be happy." My eyes welled up with tears and I turned away from him, not wanting him to see me get emotional-and I responded, "I am happy." I then went to the bathroom and had a good cry.

I think I was crying for my grandparents-- hoping that they could somehow see me now, with my growing belly, about to be a mother. I think I was crying because of the sadness that I felt having to deal with all the crap of struggling with fertility and miscarriage, and never knowing if it was going to happen- I had been so far from happy for so long. And finally, I think I was crying because for the first time in the 30 weeks that I am pregnant, I realized this- I AM HAPPY. And that was a huge realization. So those words that my boss said to me meant more than I could have thought and that moment when we said goodbye has stayed with me, even today my eyes still well up with tears when I hear his voice in my head. This was the kind of thing my grandmother would have said to me.

I miss my grandparents everyday, and I so wish they could share this time in my life. I plan to be the kind of mother my grandmother was to me-- and I also know that not only will this baby have their name to carry on their memory, but even more than that, I plan on telling them the story of their great grandparents, and the unbelievable strength they had to keep going despite the struggles and tragedies they encountered in life. I want my child to learn these lessons and I guess in this way too, the memory of my grandparents will live on. I couldn't think of a better way.

Please G-d keep our little healthy and growing strong...

Sleep Deprived...

2008-01-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to sleep well for the past few weeks.

I wake up with my hands asleep and after waving my arms around, massaging my fingers, walking around, they finally wake up-- only to have this start up again sometime during the night.

My fingers are stiff and a little swollen and my ring fingers hurt when I bend them, especially in the morning. I know-- I have to cut down on salt and drink more water. I am trying. The doctor says the only thing I can do is give birth. Great.

I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open today, and my legs are now achey too.... I guess this is what the third trimester feels like for me. I'll take it-- as long as I can continue to feel our little kicking and moving, all of this is worth it and just fine.

Oh-- I did purchase a body pillow and tried using it last night. At first it was hard to get comfortable, but then I got used to it. It's okay right now, I'm not loving it yet- I hope I do. It's kind of like hugging a giant sausage. Ha Ha.

Anyhoo-- it's going to be a cooooold weekend here but I am so glad it's Friday. I am counting the hours until I can be on my comfy couch watching hours of food network. I know, exciting.

Have a great weekend!

Please G-d keep our little safe, growing and healthy...

Whew!

2008-01-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

I passed the glucose screening test! And all my other bloodwork (thyroid, liver, HIV, etc.) came back normal. Thank you G-d.

I cannot believe we are now in the third trimester at 28 weeks. It is still hard for me to accept this all. Is this for real???

I feel our little kicking and rolling and doing acrobatics more and more-- it is amazing.

I am just so thankful, even though I keep saying it-- I just am. I have never been filled with more gratitude.

Ok-- feeling hungry now-- Looking forward to a very carb -filled dinner, now that I'm in the clear : )

Thank you G-d for continuing to keep our little healthy, safe, and growing.

Connection

2008-01-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling such a deep connection to our little.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is put my hand on my stomach, waiting for a little kick, a roll, any kind of movement. And most of the time within minutes I feel it. A human inside of me with a mind of its own, unpredictable and independent-- kicking me when it wants to, moving, free and alive. This makes it so real for me.

I am in love with this life inside of me. It is true what they say-- you just love this life without even meeting it, let alone knowing it-- it is an unconditional and immediate kind of love that is getting stronger and more powerful everyday. It is hard to believe that in exactly three months I will (G-d willing) be holding this life in my arms.

I feel such a strong bond-- moreso than even Dave- yes, he feels the kicks when he puts his hands on my belly, but its different. This life is in me, it goes where I go, it eats what I eat--and it's like my heart has given birth to a whole new set of emotions I have never known. Nothing can beat this feeling I have right now-- this, right now, is the best part of my pregnancy. The movements of this life within, the growing belly, it is romantic and all consuming and I am soaking it all in. What a gift.

Please G-d keep our little safe and healthy and growing strong....

Not Fun

2007-12-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

Good thing I don't celebrate Christmas because I got to spend Christmas eve in the hospital....

I should start with--everything is fine-- baby and I are fine.

It started Monday night, I was extremely nauseous. Not the pregnant nausea I had been having for the first 5 months-- this felt different. I started throwing up uncontrollably-- everything, even the glass of water I tried to drink. It was bad. The doctor told me to go to labor and delivery of my hospital because this could be potentially dangerous for the baby. Dave and I got in a cab (whilst in my pajamas- it was 11pm by now) and headed over.

I was immediately put on an I.V. which I have never had before and it was PAINFUL! But the truth is I was so incredibly nauseous and weak, I didn't even care. They took lots of blood, put monitors on my belly and thank G-D we heard our little's heart beating away-- plus it was kicking me like crazy. I knew it wanted to go home as much as I did.

Anyway-- I continued throwing up - ALOT. Like green bile (Sorry for the tmi). They put some medication in my I.V. and finally at around 3am I stopped vomiting. The blood came back normal except for the numbers from my liver which came back a tiny bit high, which is usually a sign of a stomach bug...

They also did an ultra sound and our little is huge! The head is now facing down, but it's still rolling around and can change positions all the time. I can feel the movements now constantly--which I LOVE. The doc did a cervical exam, which is awful and painful-- but luckily my cervix was closed.

So at about 6am after I finally kept down a few sips of water and bites of jello down, they released me. Poor Dave tried to sleep in the chair in the room and I got no sleep. It was a BAD night and I hated every minute of it. But I guess I need to remember that our little is fine and I am finally not nauseous or throwing up anymore-- although I haven't eaten anything except some dry toast and drinking ginger ale.

Today I have to go back to my dr for a follow up blood test and make sure this bug is out of me. I would guess it is since I don't feel sick at all. I spent all day yesterday in bed, sleeping... I think that helped fight this off.

So that's life I guess. You never know what will happen minute to minute. I never would have guess that I would be spending the night in the hospital hooked up to monitors and I.V. this week. Just goes to show you, take nothing for granted.

To those that celebrated Christmas this week-- I hope it was a great holiday for you filled with love, laughter and a renewed hope.

Thank you G-D for taking care of us and please continue to keep our little healthy and growing strong...

A Weekend in Photos

2007-12-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

Today is my two year wedding anniversary! I cannot believe it's been two years, especially after going through so much-- it does feel like we have been married longer, much longer. But I see that as a good thing. I know I have said this before, but I am so lucky to have my husband in my life. I dated many many toads before him and he was certainly worth the wait.

This weekend we went to Saratoga Springs, NY. It's about a three hour drive from Manhattan. We stayed at this romantic inn, the same one we stayed in last year. It is hard to believe that one year ago today my first Clomid IUI didn't work. We had gotten those negative results on our first wedding anniversary-- nice, huh? But through the tears we tried to keep hopeful, and we forced ourselves to remember that we would be parents someday-- somehow. And so this year, we returned to the same romantic inn and I am 24 weeks pregnant. What a journey it has been....

It snowed over a foot-- we sat by the fire in our room mostly, and ate, slept, and snuggled. I miss it now as I write. It was peaceful and quiet. Here are some photos:

Anyway-- here's to many many more years together filled with health, happiness and love.

Please G-d continue to keep our little safe, and growing healthy and strong.

Happy Birthday Lovebird

2007-12-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

Today is my husband's birthday. All I can really say about this is that I do feel so lucky to have him in my life. I mean, what he has put up with between all the fertility stuff, my anxieties and breakdowns and depression-- I am just so lucky to be loved by him. Happy Birthday Lovebird!

In other news-- our little is kicking away. I am in my 23rd week now of this pregnancy and I look like a pregnant lady. I have only gained seven pounds in this entire pregnancy because of all the nausea and vomiting the first five months, but I look like I have a basketball under my shirt- I kind of love it actually....

Last night I was laying on my side, watching the season finale of the Hills (anyone watch it?) and our little was kicking like crazy. Sure enough I look down and I see my stomach bulging in and out right where the kicks were- it was AMAZING! I could see the movement! There is really a person in there! I was so fascinated with this, I couldn't take my eyes off of my belly. David wasn't home at the time and of course when he came home and sang to my belly, and talked to our little, he had missed all the fun-- by then our little was done. Although this morning, the kicks returned. I LOVE THE KICKS!

We have our bi-monthly Dr. appointment on Monday to hear the heartbeat. But our next ultra sound is not until 32 weeks- a growth scan, they called it. That seems like a long way off, but the reality is in two weeks (GD willing) I will start my third trimester! I cannot even think about that-- it just seems too good to be true. This all seems too good to be true....

Please G-d continue to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong....

I Heart 21

2007-11-27T10:59:00.000-08:00

Oh how I love today.

We had our 21 week anatomy scan and everything (thank G-d) is healthy and normal, and measuring just as it should, and is where it should be, and functioning as it should be.

I am so relieved.

We saw our little once again covering its face, but then when it uncovered it, it was smiling! So cute! We saw lips and even the lenses in the eyes. The heart, brain, spine, organs all normal. Our little is almost 1 pound right now!!! In fact for the first time Dave was able to feel the kicking too, whereas I've been the one to only feel it for the past few weeks. Last night our little was kicking hard! And sure enough when Dave put his hand on my belly he felt it. It was so cool for him to finally feel that connection....

The gender was also confirmed, but I can't seem to bring myself let it out. It's kind of fun and romantic having something just for us right now...

Anyway--- so far so good.

December is a fun month for us- besides Hanukah, it is also David's birthday on 12/11 and our second wedding anniversary on 12/18. We'll be going away that weekend to the same cozy inn we went to last year in Saratoga. It will be nice to get away and "just be".

Please G-d continue to keep our little healthy, safe and growing.

P.S.
I have been tagged by Mrs. B so here goes:

4 jobs I have held:
- Babysitter
- Camp counselor
- Chiropractic assistant
-Pharmaceutical PR manager

4 movies watched more than once:
- Cinema Paradiso
- Devil Wears Prada
- Six Degree of Separation
- When Harry Met Sally

4 TV Shows I watch faithfully
- The Hills
- American Idol
- All Food Network
- So You Think You Can Dance

4 Places I have vacationed
- Israel
- Spain
- England
- Nova Scotia

4 Favorite Foods:
- Pizza
- Ice cream
-French fries
- Steak

4 Places I'd rather be:
- Cape Cod
- Italy
- I can only come up with these, as long as I am with my hubby, I don't care where I am.

4 Hobbies I have:
- Reading
- Cooking
- Writing
- Volunteering

Now I tag Chris, Meg, and Loren : )

I Am Thankful

2007-11-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, November 22, 2007, Thanksgiving Day would have been my due date for my first pregnancy.

It is hard to articulate how I feel. There are so many emotions running through me-- I am so sad, still about my miscarriage, as it wasn't even that long ago- seven months ago. We heard the heartbeat one week and then nothing the following week. There was a life there, and I don't know what to do with that, it's almost to much to handle. It is unfair and painful and I wish so much that we never lost that pregnancy. But somehow we get through it. We persevere. We healed as much as we could, and we tried again. What other choice did we have?

And here I am. At this moment. Seven months later.

I am pregnant again. I am 20 weeks pregnant. I am so thankful.

The movements of this life inside of me have become more pronounced. I feel our "little" kicking and moving more and more. Sometimes I get teary eyed when I feel it, because it's just too much-- too good, there is nothing better. I am so thankful.

We heard the heartbeat last night at my bi-monthly doctor appointment and it was perfect. I am so thankful.

I have intense ligament pain, and it hurts to sit, walk, put socks, shoes, and pants on. I am so thankful.

My nipples are dark and itchy and cracking. The doctor said it's common in pregnancy and told me to put lotion on them. I am so thankful.

I have indigestion, gas, and horrible allergies. I am so thankful.

I want to feel this all. I have waited too long. And I am thankful for everything my body is going through because it means that there is a life inside of me growing, moving, living, breathing-- and for this, I am so eternally thankful.

Please G-d keep our little healthy, safe and growing strong.

It's STILL Always Surprising...

2007-11-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had my regular obgyn appointment and thank G-d everything is fine. We heard a healthy heartbeat and so far so good. I'm still having the round ligament pain and the dr. says that will probably continue till around 20 weeks. I begin my 19th week this weekend. I lost two more pounds, but I think the vomiting is now over, as it's been 5 days of no vomiting. I also believe I felt a "flutter" two days in a row, both times on the bus while sitting in traffic. It was amazing to feel this soft tickle/light tapping against my belly, which I am told are the beginnings of movement... so EXCITING and really beautiful.

I was thinking last night how different it is to be a woman who has had a hard time conceiving and staying pregnant, versus someone who conceived quickly and never miscarried.

For me, every single dr. appointment during this pregnancy has always been surprising. To imagine that everything is fine is just so hard to fathom, when everything up until this pregnancy has been so difficult, so emotionally straining on my marriage, and on my life. So I walk away from every dr. appointment in disbelief, and I find myself asking my husband to replay the appointment to me; "The dr. said everything is great, right? " " We heard the heartbeat, right?" As if my own ears are lying me, and my mind is fighting the fact that yes, so far everything is just fine.

When I have been around women who conceived easily, they never seemed to doubt anything would go wrong. They were/are always so relaxed, so sure of it working out. As if they have a "cockiness" to them, is that the right word?... And I have never let myself get this way, I wouldn't dare to. I have learned too many times that life doesn't turn out the way you planned....

And in many ways I am jealous of these women-- I too want to feel sure about it all, and believe I will have a healthy baby at the end of this. I too want to walk away from my dr. appointments and feel like, of course everything is perfect! I too want to look at baby clothes, and nurseries, and talk about strollers now-- but I don't...

Because all I want is my healthy baby in my arms, and that is as far as I allow myself to go at this point.

I am vulnerable, still scared, still surprised, still in shock by all of this--- and as much as time has allowed myself to relax a little bit, these feelings are still very much apart of me.

I guess that's why I end every entry with a little prayer for my "little". To have come this far is unbelievable to me. I cannot believe the difference between this time last year and now. It feels like a different life. I look back on myself this time last year, we were just about to start our first IUI cycle and I was so hopeful-- little did I know there would be so many disappointments ahead of me-- but then- a miracle happened, it seems. We are almost 19 weeks pregnant now. I have a belly that is growing, and I look in the mirror and I find myself once again in disbelief. Who is this pregnant girl? G-d, are you telling me that I may actually be a mother? I can't believe it. I still can't....

So please G-d, continue to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong and thank you for giving us this unbelievable gift.

That was scary...

2007-11-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

So I spent the morning in the labor/delivery unit of my hospital today.
But-- everything is fine now....

For the past few days the area around my groin/pubic bone and bikini lines have been in pain. Like when I bend down or get up and it wasn't going away. I read about round ligament pain and it sounded just like this, but since it was going on for days I called my doctor last night and he said if the pain continues, to call him in the morning. So the pain continued and I called him in the morning, thinking he'd just tell me to come in-- but no, he's like- go to the labor/delivery unit so they can monitor you for a few hours and rule out contractions. I was like WHAT!!?? I just didn't expect it to be so dramatic.

So I was there today for hours, in a hospital bed, hooked up to a monitor. We immediately heard our little's heartbeat (relief) and then I was laying there, with a contraction monitor, in a hospital gown, while different nurses came in asked me questions, took my blood, took my urine, took my temperature. Then a cute doctor came in and gave me a cervical exam-- now that was NOT fun. YUCK. They also did a n ultra sound and our little ain't so little anymore-- it's getting so big! There was a nice healthy heartbeat, and thank G-d I was not contracting.

The doctor said it was indeed round ligament pain caused from my uterus stretching and growing and pulling on the surrounding ligaments. He said unfortunately this same kind of pain can also mean contractions, so that's why they just wanted to rule that out. Well, I'm glad they did.

As scared as I was intially, I am glad I got to see where I'll be (G-d willing) delivering our baby....and I liked it alot. I saw a woman being wheeled out in a bed holding her newborn and I smiled at her, she smiled back and my eyes got all teary. I so want to be her in April 2008.

Anyway, I went home and have been resting, per the doctor's orders. A very dramatic morning, but in the end all is well so far...

Thank you G-d for keeping our little safe and healthy and growing....

Icky....

2007-10-31T06:25:00.000-07:00

I stayed home today because of the following:

1. I can't stop sneezing. My allergies are out of control. My nostrils hurt.
2. I am nauseous and can't stop gagging (probably from all the sneezing).
3. I am constipated.

Nice, huh?

I just scheduled to get myself the flu shot which my obgyn recommends. Apparently it is recommended that all pregnant women get the flu shot. I was concerned about its safety but my obgyn assures me it is safe. Plus, knowing that I catch every one's cold at least once during the winter, made me think that I should get it-- although I have never gotten the flu shot before.... I still have an obgyn appointment before the flu shot appointment so I will double check once again about its safety for me and our "little".

In other news I am in my 17th week right now, that's the beginning of the fifth month- hoorah! I am starting to feel the sexual urges return, so I'm hoping hubby and I can resume some of that activity soon-- as it's embarrassing to admit, but we haven't done "it" since July. With all the nausea and vomiting, I just couldn't. But the problem is the nausea is still around, so I'm hoping I can become distracted from it, somehow... : )

I am really looking forward to seeing our little next Thursday. I feel like it's been forever, even though we just saw "it" one week ago today. Even though the time is moving faster now, the time in between those ultra sounds feels like forever..... My vulnerability hasn't left at all, and I pray everything continues to be fine.

Please G-d continue to keep our little safe and healthy and growing strong...

Another Milestone

2007-10-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ahhh. I am breathing for a bit now.

We had the second trimester anatomy scan and our little is looking healthy and everything measures normally. We also got back the second trimester blood results and they came back great. So now combining the first trimester nuchal screening and blood results with the second trimester anatomy scan and blood results--- as the doctor said, it all looks "beautiful!"

Our next big ultra sound is on November 27th for the follow up anatomy scan (21 weeks) and if that goes well, then no amnio for us. The doctor told us we can still do the amnio up to 22 weeks so if G-d forbid we need to, we have that chance and she can get us rapid results too. I love this doctor. I feel so secure in her hands, and I am totally listening to whatever she tells us to do next.

I'm about to begin my fifth month of pregnancy this weekend! I can't believe it. Now it feels like time is flying by a bit faster. I lost six pounds in the first trimester from all the vomiting and weird food habits. I have gained back one pound of that so far, as my food habits haven't changed, although the nausea is a bit better. Yesterday was the first day I haven't thrown up in 4 months. Let's see if that continues. But I am eating fruit everyday and the doctor is not concerned. They all feel my appetite will change, and I am trying to eat more lentils and beans to make up for the lack of meat and fish that I can't seem to tolerate... My belly is sticking out though, so that's been fun to watch grow and change.

I am just so proud of our little. We were able to see five fingers on each hand at the anatomy scan, the kidney, the arteries, brain, heart. We even saw our little put its hands in front of its eyes- as if to play "peekaboo" with us. So cute!

Oh--- and yes, we also know the gender! But I think I'm going to keep it to myself -- I feel at this point I just want to focus on a healthy pregnancy because the truth is-- boy or girl, makes no difference to us. I just want a healthy and happy baby at the end of all of this.

So for now, we wait till the next big scan and in the meantime, I am wearing maternity pants which Dave thinks every man should own, and I am bonding with our little, loving it more and more everyday. I am just so so grateful for this, I can't even express it. I am bursting with gratitude.

Please G-d continue to keep our little healthy and growing strong.

Happy Birthday to Me

2007-10-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Today at 10:20am I entered this world. I am 35 years old today and in the 15th week of my pregnancy. This is exactly where I want to be right now. Sitting at my desk at work, eating my cheese sandwich, looking down at myself, and seeing a round "torpedo" bump sticking out of my body, holding a life I pray is still growing strong.

We spent the weekend at a bed & breakfast in upstate New York surrounded by the Hudson River and weeping willows. It was peaceful, quiet, and truly relaxing. The weather was crisp and cool and we spent every free moment snuggling.

Tonight David will cook for me and we'll stay in to celebrate my birthday. He sent me a vase full of gorgeous orchids and even though it's fall outside, my office smells like a spring garden.

So this is my life-- right now, on my 35th birthday. I am carrying the most precious gift I could have asked for, and I truly feel grateful for this.

Please G-d keep our little strong and healthy and growing...

FOOD

2007-10-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

I have been throwing up anywhere from one to five times a day still. I am nauseous all day long. I used to be a person that LOVED food and LOVED to cook. This has been my diet for the past two months or so:

1. bagels with cream cheese (all flavors-- plain, olive, scallion, veggie)
2. grilled cheese without butter (the grease makes me puke)
3. rice
4. black beans
5. guacamole & chips
6. cool ranch doritos (my favorite)
7. cheese doodles (must be the puffy ones)
8. chocolate chip ice cream
9. grape or orange flavored ice pops
10. cereal
11. milk
12. cottage cheese
13. french fries (with or without cheese-- but hold the ketchup: EWEEWWW!!!)
14. melon
15. apples
16. egg whites
17. and lots and lots of saltine crackers

That's it. I will not and cannot eat eat any meat, chicken, fish or any veggies. I hear this all changes in the second trimester. Well, I'm in the second trimester and so far no change. I LOVE CHEESE-- or shall I say, our little just loves "its" cheese : )

A Wave Hello

2007-10-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

I got to see our little today and it waved hello to me. It already has manners : )

I actually wasn't supposed to have an ultra sound today, as I was meeting with a genetic counselor to discuss whether to do the amnio. She said my nuchal scan results were excellent and gave me a lot of information on the difference between the nuchal and amnio. After our meeting I figured since I'm already there, why not see if I could squeeze myself in for a little peek at our little. They are so nice there and got me in for an ultra sound. Perfect heartbeat and measurements, as I am now in the middle of my 13th week! I saw the spine and it's gotten so big! I am so proud of it!

The doctor then came in she said it was beautiful : ) We then spoke about the amnio and my fear of miscarriage. So she recommended that my next step be the 15 week quad blood test and 16 week anatomy scan which when combined with the nuchal screening will give them a really good picture of this baby's health. She said if all this looks normal, she doesn't think I need to do the amnio. I mean my nuchal screening results gave me a risk of 1 in 6,000 for Downs and 1 in 10,000 for the trisomy tests-- all of which are excellent. So I am happy with these next steps. I'd rather avoid the amnio if everything is looking normal.

So that's it. I am turning 35 on Oct. 15th.
I hope this year will be filled joy, health, love, and most of all-- motherhood.
. Please G-d keep our baby growing healthy and strong.

One Hurdle Done

2007-09-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

Well we are about to complete our first trimester as I enter in my 13th week.... AMAZING.

I had my regular obgyn appointment today and our little was looking adorable, heart beating, all snuggly in there. I cannot wait to cradle this life in my arms.

My nuchal screening results all came back normal. Relief.

Now the question is do I do the amniocentesis? I am turning 35 in three weeks and my doctor is leaving it up to me. He did say the amnio is definitive (I think the nuchal screening is about 93% accurate). We are leaning towards doing the amnio, but that half percent rate of miscarriage is scaring me. After all this work, and how far we've come, do I risk it? Even if it's a half percent??? Ugh. Decisions... I am thinking of speaking to my mom's obgyn who is a high risk doctor and see what he says. If my nuchal screening came back normal than maybe that's good enough? But do I need that piece of mind that everything is normal from the amnio? We will decide by Monday. It would be done in 3-4 weeks. Yowza.

But for now the doctor said we are out of the danger zone and we will start to share the news in the coming weeks. I still want to wait till I'm in the middle of my 4th month. It's like I want to tell everyone but then I get too nervous about sharing it-- as if I am jinxing it.

I guess we enjoy this for now and take each day as it comes.

Thank you G-d for keeping our little healthy and strong and growing...

One Year

2007-09-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well it's exactly one year today that I started this blog not knowing at the time that the focus would be my journey to be a mom....

It is hard to believe that I am about 12 weeks pregnant now and all is well-- thank G-d. We had our nuchal translucency scan today and everything measured completely normal. The doctor said it all looked great, but the final results will come in next week, after they have the blood work done.

We saw our little so alert, moving and wiggling around, with a normal heartbeat. We saw everything-- from its eyes, jaw bones, nose!, legs, tush, arms... I just felt so proud of our little for staying strong and growing so well.

I have been so nervous for today, having had my last ultra sound two weeks ago, not knowing what we'd see today. And I thank G-d that so far everything is fine. We have a regular obgyn appointment next Wednesday and hopefully the NT blood work will be in by then. That is the next milestone.

I haven't written much because I have been feeling so crappy. I am nauseous 24 hours a day, I have been throwing up anywhere from one to five times a day. I even threw up at the ultra sound facility today. I haven't touched any meat, fish, and vegetables in over a month. I am living on salty crackers, cheese sandwiches, and some fruit. Oh and ice cream (need that calcium!). I was loving pizza a few weeks ago, now the thought of anything with tomato sauce makes me want to puke. I gag at smells all the time. I walk in the street with my hand to my nose, especially when I walk by the street food vendors. If I eat a few bites, my stomach sticks out a lot. But otherwise I don't show with clothes on, unless you really look-- there's a little bump.

Tomorrow night begins the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur-- the most serious and important holiday; the day of atonement. I will be praying hard this year for G-d to continue to bless us with a healthy pregnancy and keep our little safe and healthy in there. I will also be praying as I do every night for all of you out there on your journeys; that you should be blessed with a healthy child very soon and we should all have a year of health, happiness and fertility.

This Feels Surreal

2007-09-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

I had a little panic attack today. My boobs felt less sore and even though it had been a week since the last ultra sound, for some reason, it felt like much longer, and I just couldn't sit calmly waiting for our next scan in 13 days. So I called my obgyn and they are so nice there-- they let me come in for an ultra sound today at lunch time.

Everything is good. I saw our little, heart beating and I got to hear the heart this time too. It was magnificent! I am now at exactly 10 weeks ( I was off by a day or two) and all is well. Of course now back at the office, my boobs are sore again and besides that, I'm still throwing up at least once a day...

Anyway-- it just feels so surreal. All of this. I still can't believe this life is growing in me. It looked more like a baby today than before. I wish Dave was there with me to hear the heart, but it was an impromptu visit, so it couldn't be helped. But he's happy and I'm happy-- at least for today :)

Please G-d keep our little safe and healthy and growing strong...

So Far So Good...

2007-08-31T07:35:00.000-07:00

We saw our little today -almost 9 weeks with a strong heart. We also managed to see the head and the little arm bud moving. It must have laying on its side. So cute! So relieved! I am so proud of our little. Next step is the nuchal scan in 2 weeks which will tell us the risk for Downs Syndrome, heart problems and other chromosomal abnormalities. I am turning 35 in October, so a bit nervous about that, but for now everything is exactly where it should be.

I am still nauseous all the time, and I have now thrown up 4 times in the last 10 days. Twice yesterday. I hate food and I hate odors like the scent of cleaning sprays. But the truth is, I really don't mind any of this, and I am still loving it all.

I am just so incredibly grateful that I am in this place right now-- after all the struggles and pain, I don't think I ever imagined getting to a good place. I keep waiting for the bad to come and I pray so hard it won't. So far G-d is hearing my prayers and I hope He continues to keep our little safe, healthy and growing strong. I have to admit, it is hard for me to let go and be completely happy. I am so scared that my happiness will be interrupted just like it has so many times in my life. But logically, I know this is no way to live-- I just need my heart to pay attention to my logic....

I am praying for all of you out there on your journey, and you are always in my thoughts. Trust me, even though I am in this place right now, I haven't forgotten the difficult journey it took to get here- it stays with me and maybe that's a good thing. I never want to get cocky and I never want to take anything for granted. Every moment that I am carrying this healthy child is truly a blessing.

Well I guess I'm going to continue being a lump on the couch this weekend, although some friends want to get together for dinner (ewe food!) and my 18 year old sister is leaving for Israel for a year this weekend! I'm going to really miss her. She is the only person other than Dave that I have been talking to about this pregnancy in great detail. It will be hard not to have that on a regular basis. But I also know that it's going to an amazing experience for her, as I spent a year there too and loved it.

Anyhoo, I guess that's it for now.

Please G-d keep out little growing strong and healthy everyday.

Who Am I?

2007-08-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

I am loving every minute of this, even though I haven't been myself in over a week.

I am now a person that is nauseous about 90% of the day, tired, lethargic, disgusted by all food except pizza, bagels and cookies-- and when I eat these items, it's no more that a few bites before I feel so bloated. I have thrown up- once- at work. I am boring. I don't want to do anything but lay on the couch and veg. I don't want to see anyone because besides the constant nausea and exhaustion, none of our friends know and it's so hard to pretend nothing is going on. These are my typical conversations with people:

Them: "So what new with you?"
Me: "Nothing, just working, you know, the usual... how about YOU?

And there it is.

I must come across so dull! Little do they know there is a life inside of me growing (G-d willing) and I am entering my third month (a little over 8 weeks now)!!!

But I am loving this all....

Despite the fact that I physically feel sick, I am beyond thrilled with every wave of nausea, with every yawn that comes out of my mouth, with every moment I am faced with making a food decision and nothing appeals to me. I was ecstatic when I threw up the other day. Because it means that something is going on in there, it must mean that my little is growing strong, right?

It's amazing to me that as horrible and painful as this journey to get pregnant has been for me, it has made these moments so precious and I am so grateful for all of this. I look at women I know that have gotten pregnant easily and I remember their constant complaining about the nausea, etc. and it angers me. How dare anyone complain?!!! Women who get pregnant easily have no idea how lucky they are -- how much they take for granted disgusts me. Perhaps I am being harsh, but being in this place right now has made me think more, and I have learned all too well that being pregnant is a gift and I am thankful for every minute of it.

Please please please, just keep growing strong, make me nauseous, make me gag, make me sleepy, bring it all on-- I want to feel it all-- because in the end, it will be so incredibly worth it....

Confession...

2007-08-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

So hubby and I haven't made whoopy since we found out I'm preggars. It's been like more than a month now. And the reason is - we are scared to do it!!!! Is this silly and ridiculous??? Are we the only ones who feel this way? It's like we don't want to disturb our "little", especially since things are going well for now. We keep telling each other, okay after the next ultra sound, or when we hear the heartbeat, or now it's been once we get past the next ultra sound at 9 weeks. It's always something. I tell my husband that it's really no different than having the ultra sound wand in me- right??? And that seems to be okay.... What if we never do it again????

Oh my!

I know this must sound so crazy, but I really hope we get over our fear and get it on soon. I'm afraid I'm going to forget how to do it : )

In other news-- I am officially pretty nauseous all day now. Most food disgusts me. I read about this happening but I never thought I'd experience it as I love love food and I love to cook. Thinking about food makes me nauseous (I am nauseous as I type) and I haven't been able to cook. But luckily, I'm not throwing up. I'm also really tired throughout the day and it's hard to work. I have to really fight it. But it's all wonderful and I want to continue to feel it all. So that's it for now--- just awaiting the next ultra sound in 10 days. Yikes!

I Can Breathe For Now...

2007-08-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

I went to to obgyn today for my official ultra sound and I couldn't have asked for a better visit.

As soon as I heard the doctor say "... and there's your baby" I just started crying, tears streaming down the sides of my face. We are right on target at a little over 7 weeks and the heartbeat is strong and normal. My official due date is April 6th! Yowza!!

I can't describe how I feel right now other than relieved, ecstatic, excited, and in love with this life that is inside me growing strong. After we left the doctor's office I patted my stomach and whispered "good job" to our little. I'm so proud of "it".

As far as how I've been feeling; I've been really tired and nauseous-- in fact I barely left my couch this weekend, I was so lethargic and sleepy. I haven't been able to eat meat, I'm just really craving pizza and ice cream and soup- like clear broth with noodles. I also used to eat green vegetables with every meal and now I can't even put a piece of steamed broccoli in my mouth without gagging. I hope that changes because I need my green veggies! But I am nauseous throughout the day and it comes in waves. I was just in my boss's office and I thought I was going to throw up on his desk. Luckily I'm not throwing up, just dry heaving -but I am loving every minute of it and I am soaking this all in.
To me this feels like a dream right now and I am grateful for every minute I get to spend protecting and nurturing this life I have inside of me and I pray it will continue to grow and be healthy.
Thank you G-d for this unbelievable gift....

Hard Weekend-- UPDATED

2007-08-12T16:13:00.001-07:00

Saturday morning I woke up to a very small amount of brown discharge. I called my doctor and she said it's common and I shouldn't panic or be nervous about it. If it becomes bright red then I should call her. Regardless I felt scared--I felt like, great, here we go....

Throughout the day I still had very small amounts of brown discharge and from everything I read it's usually a sign of old blood and is common in early pregnancy. But I'm scared. I still had some this morning; it's really a tiny amount but in my mind I am thinking this is the start of the worst.

I'm calling my obgyn tomorrow am and will have them squeeze me in somehow. I just want to know if everything is okay or not. Originally I was scheduled for an August 13th ultrasound anyway, but then we moved it to next week, knowing we would see more. So I guess I'm going in on the original date and I PRAY everything is okay... At 6 weeks and 2 days, I'm not sure if we'll see a heartbeat, but I pray that the doctor tells me he is seeing what he should be seeing at this time-- I just want to walk away with an okay feeling. I'm so terrified. I just keep playing three months ago in my mind and don't want to go through that again. I fear I will not come back from that kind of pain a second time.

Please G-d -- if you can hear me/see me typing this -- please protect and take care of our little. And most of all, please G-d, please let it be healthy this time.

Update
So we just got back from the doc and all is fine. It's actually better than I expected. First the doctor did not see any blood in my hooha when he looked in there (fun). Then the ultrasound showed a yolk this time AND we saw the flickering of the heart!!! The doctor told us we might not see anything at all right now which would be okay too, so this was an added bonus. At 6 weeks it is too early to measure on their machine, but we clearly saw it flickering on the screen and it was the best moment I've had in a very long time. The doc said this is a good sign. Relief.

So now I know there is something growing in me. Now I just hope it continues to grow. I have my 7 week ultrasound a week from today-- I pray everything will continue to blossom and grow.

The doctor printed out the ultrasound picture for us but I gave it to Dave to hold. I'm not ready to get attached yet... But so far so good. It's amazing how much can change in five days which was when I had my last ultrasound, when all we could see was the sac.

Thanks to all of you out there who really made me feel better about everything with your kind words of support. It means so much. Thank you.

Thank you G-d for for today and please please keep our little healthy and strong in there.

Say What!?

2007-08-10T09:18:00.000-07:00

For the past two months I have been a "friendly visitor." Through an organization I volunteer to visit an elderly person that I was matched up with after extensive background checks and interviews. Well, two months ago I was matched up with Claire, a 92 year old woman who also happens to live a few blocks away from me. I usually visit with her every week and we chat for about an hour and half. She's lovely; funny, spunky, independent, and smart. She is a former ballet dancer, turned bookkeeper, and was married for over 60 years with three children. She lives alone (her daughter lives in the same building) and does her own laundry, shopping, gets weekly manicures- really inspiring to me.

Anyway I haven't seen her since I found out that I'm preggars and I haven't told anyone except for our parents and siblings (our siblings' spouses don't even know). Well within the first five minutes of my visit last night, Claire says in her thick New York accent "are you pregnaaaant?". I sat there, stuttering, not know what to say. I was so caught off guard and I blurted out "how do you know?" And she said she could just tell (now, I am fairly slim, don't have a belly, so that wouldn't have been it)... I told her it is VERY early and she right away told me not to talk about it and not to tell anyone. And that was it. She changed the subject. But of course it stuck in my head and I wasn't sure if I was okay with her knowing. But then I realized this is a 92 year old woman who I barely know, so what if she knows?--- it won't change anything. And maybe she'll be a good luck charm this time around. It was strange I must say, maybe it's her wise old age that can sense things like this. I have no idea...

On another note, I have still been waking up at 3-4am every morning. Since last night I have also been needing to burp, like there's a gas bubble in my throat and I just want to burp or try to burp. Is this related to anything? I don't know-- is this indigestion? I have no idea, as I never really had this before. It's not very comfortable but I'm not complaining....

We are sleeping over my brother's and his family's tonight and then heading to Atlantic City for the night on Sunday- taking Monday off. Yay.

I'm still nervous and panicky about things, but I also know there's nothing I can do at this point. It is all in G-d's hands and I just have to keep praying that this all works out-- for all of us...

A Tiny Scare

2007-08-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

So for the past couple of days I've been having little tweaks of pain here and there around my pelvis. The pain would be mild, and would last for a second, but I was definitely aware of it. I thought to myself it's probably normal to feel little tweaks of pain, but yesterday after work my mind started racing. Ectopic. What if it's ectopic? How do I even know this is growing in the right place since I had gone to the obgyn in my 4th week and she couldn't see anything at that point other than my thick uterine lining. So I called the obgyn last night and while she said it's normal to have cramping and some pain in early pregnancy to come in this morning, and she'd take a look.

Well I was up at 4am, I was SO scared. I prayed so hard and wore my good luck socks (they are blue with pink hearts and they say "life is good") and my good luck underwear (the ones I wore when I got the positive pregnancy test) and I walked over to the obgyn's office (luckily I live a few blocks away).

So she felt around my abdomen and everything felt fine, and then she did an ultra sound and I heard her say "well, now I can see more than last time!" And there was a black circle in my uterus and she told me it was the sac. Hallelujah. The sac is there, right where it should be and I was relieved.

The doc said everything looked exactly as it should for 5 weeks of pregnancy and we decided to postpone my next ultra sound to August 20th since next week, we might not see that much of a change. She said by the 7th week there should be a heartbeat which is what we need to see next. That sounds good to me-- I'd rather wait the 10 days to see progress than to see something similar in a few days....

I can breathe a bit easier now knowing at least that this is growing in my uterus, where it should be, and at this point, all we can hope and pray for is a healthy heartbeat on Monday, August 20th. Please G-d let it be there, please....

Dazed....

2007-08-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

Well I've been pretty much in a daze since we found out I am preggars. It's so hard to focus on stuff without fondling my breasts (are they still sore?) or running to the bathroom if I feel a trickle of something oozing out of me (gross, I know). I am just SO nervous about this.

I have been waking up every single night this week between 4am and 5am and the first thought that pops into my head is August 13th- my first ultra sound. And I play the scene in my head-- that same scene that occurred three months ago when we got the worst news ever. (I won't write it because I am superstitious and I don't want to bring in any further negative energy to myself than I already have been). But you get the drift. I keep thinking we will get bad news and I will have to go through not only the mental agony of pain but the physical part which S-U-C-K-S. How will I get through it?

So here I am, waiting, wondering. It's been hard to enjoy this. I have moments of happiness, but they are rare right now. I know once we get past August 13th and it goes well, I will feel like a weight has been lifted. It is hard to be in this place again when it went so badly the first time, and not think it will happen again-- when it's really all that I know right now....

So Now They Know...

2007-08-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

So the plan was that we wouldn't tell any family or friends about this pregnancy until we were past the 1st trimester.

Well.... suddenly that just didn't feel right anymore.

Yesterday I spoke to my mom and then my dad about random stuff and it just felt so unnatural to keep this from them. They have been praying so hard, doing whatever they possibly could to help (sometimes a little too invasive) and I just knew it would make them so happy. Also with the recent news of my hCG levels doubling, I finally started believing that I actually am pregnant. (Even though apart of me feels like a liar because I still can't believe it-- but then I remember the proof; AF is not here, my boobs are sore, five positive pregnancy tests, and my hCG numbers are doubling-- so it's gotta be true, right?).

I called Dave at work and told him how I felt about feeling weird about not telling my parents. He was hesitant at first, but then understood. My mother loves to give advice and offer opinions to the point where it can get annoying, frustrating and stressful. She has a very strong personality and I have spent many years in therapy discussing this. Yet, I really was feeling sad that she didn't know and I knew I needed to tell her and my dad. Plus I knew they would be SO happy.

And so last night Dave and I took a drive to Brooklyn and told them. It was exactly how I had fantasized and it was so memorable; there were tears, hugs, looks of disbelief (Dave told me his ear was soaked from my mom's tears when she was hugging him- it kind of grossed him out but in an endearing way). They were just so suprised-- they did not expect this 3 months after the mc considering it took so long the first time. But the best part was that I just love love love making people happy, and they were beyond happy. (Cautiously happy).

Well aside from my parents, sister, brother and mother-in-law knowing we've decided that this is absolutely it until G-d willing October when I will G-d willing be in my 4th month and we will tell the rest of the family and our friends.
Let's just hope and pray I get there this time.

Countdown to August 13th...

2007-08-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Well the good news is that in about 40 hours my beta level has doubled and my progesterone is excellent--- the doctor said numbers look great and at this point no more blood tests, just come on in on August 13th for my first real ultra sound. YIKES.

Going to the obgyn vs the RE is so different when you're pregnant. Last time when I was pregnant I was at the RE's office every week for blood work and ultra sounds, and the nurses would call me within a few hours with results, giving me numbers, details.
And going to the regular obgyn, well they just call to let me know my numbers are okay without even telling me what they are. I guess they aren't dealing with women like me as much; for women who have gotten pregnant easily, this is the protocol-- numbers are good, see ya in two weeks!
But maybe it's better not to know everything or know too much. At least for me, the more I know the more I worry. So what's the point? If my doc says everything is fine then everything is fine. And for now, my numbers are doubling and I am pregnant.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better... I just can't seem to shake these nerves. I actually left work early today because my allergies were bothering me and I felt like my body had been hit by a truck. I have to say that I am terrified of what lies ahead. The thought of another mc is unbearable. I wish I could feel good about this pregnancy, but the truth is I don't. The fear is definitely outweighing the joy- despite everything being okay right now. I don't trust it, and I wish I could....

Is It Friday Yet?

2007-08-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am such a mess- a bunch of nerves.

Went for my first obgyn appointment yesterday. I am only in my 4th week of pregnancy, so at this point the doc could only see my nice thick uterine lining and she said that means my uterus is preparing itself to keep our "little" safe and sound for the next nine months. She reassured me that this is what she should be seeing. (I was hoping there would be a visible sac but she said that is usually seen between week 5-6.) Okay. Fine.

My first beta is in and it's at 240 and my progesterone is over 20. Doc said numbers look great and are normal (I googled this and I am right within range for week 4 of pregnancy). I am going back tomorrow morning for my second beta and I pray the numbers keep rising.

I want it to be Friday so then at least the numbers will be in, and hopefully everything will be normal. And I will be able to enjoy this part at least until my first real ultra sound- which is on August 13th. Please G-d let there be a healthy heartbeat this time around....

I went for acupuncture today and my acupuncturist was so happy for me. In a way I feel like SHE is the one that got me pregnant. Dave? Dave who? Ha ha. Kidding of course. But still I have to say that it took me 11 months of natural trying, 3 medicated IUIs and nothing. As soon as I start acupuncture- boom- pregnant twice in 7 months - naturally both times. There's gotta be a connection.

Anyway I will continue with the acupuncture until there is a heartbeat. And until then there is nothing more I can do. I so want to enjoy this right now, but it's much harder than I thought. Hey, three months ago I was on the toilet expelling what was supposed to be our child. It's pretty hard right now to sit back and relax. I hope and pray that in time that I will start to enjoy this and soak it all in because after all the heartache, I deserve to feel this joy. I'm just not ready yet.

I just SO want this to be IT for us. Please G-d let it be.

Mama Me (Take 2)

2007-07-29T17:11:00.001-07:00

Well.... in the last entry I wrote that I would not be stepping foot in a doctor's office unless A) I was pregnant or B) it's October and I'm still not pregnant. Well guess what??? Tomorrow I am making an appointment with my obgyn because it's "A".

Yes, according to two Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy tests, I am pregnant!

I cannot believe that this is happening. I never expected this. I felt so hopeless this month and never thought for a minute that it would happen.

I usually get my period on day 27. And when that day came and went, I thought to myself, ok, it will definitely happen the next day. But then day 28 passed, and day 29 passed and I started thinking that it might actually be possible. My boobs have been a bit painful and I have been feeling tired, and again, I am never late with my period. But what kept stopping me from testing is that I couldn't fathom that I could actually be pregnant with all the poking in my "hoohaa" that went on this cycle, AND that it was only 3 months post the miscarriage. So today, only two days late, I told Dave, let's just test and know and the tests confirmed it. It's really happening. I don't know what to do with myself. It is beyond anything I could have imagined....

Yes, we are so grateful and happy. I mean, never did I imagine that I'd get pregnant so soon after the miscarriage even though I tried to stay positive.

The fact is so much of what we feel right now is combined with a huge amount of fear. It just sucks to go through a year of trying with no results, to a pregnancy (finally) and then a miscarriage at 7 weeks (no more heartbeat) only three months ago.

It's like we know TOO much and that takes away from feeling completely joyful right now..

And although that was then and this is now, the past year and half are still very much a part of us, and it's hard to just relax and be completely happy. I tell Dave that at least in this moment I am pregnant and the best part right now is that it only took 3 months post miscarriage for it to happen (naturally!!!) which confirms that I CAN DO THIS.

At this moment, I am filled with so much angst, excitement, nervousness, and butterflies. I am beyond scared of the doctor's appointment. Poor Dave can't stop pacing and bouncing around. We want to jump out of our skin. But still, I have to thank G-d for giving us this precious gift and I pray this time it turns out to be a healthy baby.

That's done, now onto the next thing...

2007-07-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

Well there is going to be NO surgery.

I went to the head doctor and surgeon of endometriosis and laproscopy of a highly respectable hospital and he was appalled that this new RE thought I needed surgery because of my left ovary which happened to be near my uterus. In fact he said two things which made me really trust him: 1) If I was his daughter and showed him my pelvic scan results, he would never allow me to have surgery and 2) if I went to him as a surgeon to perform this surgery, he would turn me away. Number one; if my tubes are clear and I ovulate then the egg can still reach the tube, so surgery won't change anything. Number two; I did get pregnant naturally just three months ago so why would I need surgery?
He then told me (And I think Chris mentioned this too) that ovaries can move a bit. Well, he did an ultra sound and my left ovary wasn't even touching my uterus today. SO THERE! And for the record he knows this new RE and told me he is "weird" and not respected. I will not be seeing the new RE anymore. He put me through so much crap these past 2 weeks, when all along I had a feeling he was nuts. I have been under so much stress, and for what? I am certain stress does not help me get pregnant and I can't be getting stressed like this from crazy doctors who treat their patients like pin cushions and cause worry for no reason!

Now another thing-- this doc from today happens to be my former RE and told me that all the blood tests they had done (HIV. Hep C, etc) were fine, except that I'm showing positive surface antigens to Hep B, but negative antibodies, which means I don't have Hep B but I've either been exposed to it or am immune to it. So they took three more tubes of blood and I'll know tomorrow if i need to be monitored for it. He said that would be the worst case scenario because I definitely don't have it. I'm a little worried, but he reassured me it was really not a big deal as did the nurses, and as did my brother who is a pharmacist.

I am SO sick of doctors and medical stuff. After this Hep B stuff, I am not setting foot into another Dr. office unless a) I'm pregnant b) it's Oct./Nov. and I'm still not pregnant (we were going to do the natural thing for 6 months, but the doc today told me I should really wait till Oct. We shall see.

I need another vacation from all of this.

The Confusion Continues

2007-07-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

So I went to the world renown doc yesterday to have a pelvic scan and while everything looked normal, my left ovary is indeed adhered to my uterus. HOWEVER, the renown doc said that he has never heard of this affecting fertility or pregnancy. He also pointed out that my organs were normal -- in fact he said that my uterus is "perfect" and I also reminded him that my HSG was normal indicating that my tubes were clear. While he cannot disagree out loud with the new RE's feeling that I should have surgery to fix the position of my ovary, he did make it clear more than once that he has never heard of this affecting fertility.

OK-- so I feel good about this and Dave agrees that we should not mess with things if they're not broke.

Well today I speak to the new RE and he tells me the next step is surgery to fix this! I say what??? WHY? So he tells me because there must be scar tissue adhering the ovary to the uterus. I tell him that renown doc said it doesn't matter though. So he tells me that they agree on diagnosis but disagree on interpretation and I should get another opinion.

I am so stressed out over this. I don't know what to do. I have a call in to my obgyn and former RE to get 2 more opinions. I just don't see how getting surgery will affect anything. I am being driven nuts by this guy-- but I don't know if he's right or not!

So waiting to hear back from obgyn now, and have an appointment with former RE (who is world renown but was a bit of a "salesman" -- yet he's so respected in his expertise that I do trust what he says).

This just sucks. If everyone agrees that I do not need the surgery, I won't be seeing this new RE anymore. I appreciate his diligence to find me a diagnosis, but I'm a human being and surgery is a big deal and I'm really not in the mood to be put under just so he can rule something out. No way.

If this won't help me get pregnant then I don't want it. So I need two more opinions and we'll go from there. I'm pissed off though-- last night I thought we were done with this crap, but I was wrong.

More Confusion

2007-07-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

So last night after speaking with my therapist she recommended I call the ultra sound facility that I have an appointment with for tomorrow for my pelvic scan to see if the timing is safe. Since I just ovulated would the scan interfere with implantation, etc.

Well good thing I called because while they said it would not interfere with anything, they do like to do the scan between day 7 and 9 of the cycle; it's more accurate. The other thing the nurse told me was that if I have never had pelvic disease or ovarian cysts and my HSG was normal, it's a little odd that my doctor thinks I might have scar tissue. So now I'm really confused. Is he just sending me on these trips for no reason, to drive me more crazy? Does he know what he's talking about?

I have a call in to this doctor to see what he wants me to do. Regardless, I now have to get the scan because for my own piece of mind I want to make sure everything is normal. The question is do I wait and see if I get my period this month and go between day 7 and 9, or do I go now.

I hate this. Forget relaxing -- I am so wound up and frustrated. I feel negative and hopeless-- exactly the opposite of how I usually feel this time of the month. In fact right now I just want to give up and stop all of this. I am just so tired inside.

UPDATE: Spoke to the doctor and he said for this purpose (checking my ovary) I do not have to wait and can go in tomorrow. I am so scared-- my hypochondriac brain is taking over and I fear they will find something worse. I also feel like any chance of getting pregnant this month is now gone because look at me. I am a mess. Aren't you supposed to relax and feel positive right now? I'm doing the exact opposite and I'm certain it will affect my body. But you know what, when I've been hopeful I've been let down anyway. So does it really matter anymore??? I'm just so angry at my life right now.

Confusion & Fear

2007-07-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

Well we went to a new RE this weekend.

He is definitely different from the others I've been to and the ones I've read about. He is extremely personable, attentive, not rushed, looks at me as me and not as though I am like every woman that is having problems conceiving. He does not believe that fertility drugs are for everyone and most important-- he does not accept the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. He believes that everything comes from something and at my age, it should not have taken me 11 months to conceive. Well... OK.

After we spoke for over an hour, we decided that Dave needs to go to a urologist and have a full checkup-- even though he already did the sperm analysis (and everything was fine), this RE felt that it's not enough information and should go for a full exam. So Dave agreed, why not, right?

Then we decided that if I get my period this month, he will do a slew of blood tests that will look further into whether or not my issue is egg quality-- he explained there are blood tests done throughout the course of a cycle. I think I've only ever had blood drawn on day 3 and possibly after ovulation-- but I don't remember anymore.

However-- now this plan may change....

After we spoke he did an tranvaginal ultra sound on me (boy, have I missed those!). This was day 15 of my cycle and sure enough I had a nice big follicle ready for release any minute in my right ovary... (good thing because my ovulation kit did give me a smiley face the day before indicating an LH surge and we were baby dancing quite a bit this weekend)...

But then he moved to the LEFT ovary and suddenly he seemed to notice something. He saw that my left ovary was too close to my uterus, like it was practically plastered onto it. He thinks there is scar tissue there causing this and he believes that this could be a big part of why it took me a while to get pregnant. My right ovary is in the correct place, however given that the left one is so close to the uterus, it might be taking longer for the sperm and egg to meet, and possibly hurting my chances of getting pregnant whenever I ovulate from that ovary. This is HIS thought.

WHAT??? I must have had at least 25 ultra sounds in the past year and no one ever mentioned the positioning of my ovary being a problem. However, I have noticed when they moved that ultra sound stick in me, they do have a to struggle a bit to get to the left ovary. But no one ever said it was a problem....

So I'm freaking out a bit.

The RE wants me to go to get a second opinion with a world renown specialist in tranvaginal ultrasounds (which also happens to be the same place where I went to have the viability scan that showed no fetal heartbeat when I was pregnant in April-- yay).

So I have an appointment for this Wednesday. I am taking the day off because I am SO scared. If the second opinion believes this should be fixed and it will help me get pregnant than I have to go in for a laparoscopy and remove the scar tissue. I have never had any kind of surgery and I am so scared, the thought of it makes me nauseous, in fact I haven't eaten since yesterday because I am so nervous.

David reminds me that while it does suck that I may have to have this (very common) surgery, it could very well be the solution to our problem... The other piece of good news is that this cycle I ovulated from my right ovary which is in its normal position-- so maybe I won't need any of this (yeah right, not feeling too positive these days).

So we basically need to confirm that this is the case and if so, will it increase my chances of getting pregnant?

Overall I feel pretty low, even though maybe I should be happy, because we might have a problem that can be fixed and lead to everything we have dreamed of. But I don't want any problems like this. I want to get pregnant easily like everyone else in my life and have a healthy baby. I am sick of this crap and just want a normal life.

So this is my life, and right now we are in full swing here on this roller coaster ride and I would do anything to get off...

Just Blue....

2007-07-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling blue these past few days. Tired, annoyed, angry, and frustrated about all of this. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it's been hard to shake off. Nothing specific has happened-- I guess it's just the thought of having to fight so hard to have a healthy child and missing my life when I could laugh freely and just be truly happy without this dark cloud lurking above me on a daily basis.

I've been especially angry at people who have children-- like my brother. My niece's birthday is in a month and it will be a huge, blown out affair. My brother is 31 years old and has two children. His son is fours years old and he's such a great kid. My niece was born three months premature and it truly is a miracle that she is here and alive and just perfect.
So my brother and his wife go all out with her birthdays; I'm talking magicians, petting zoo, catered food, etc. and everyone in the world that has a child will be there, including my extended family, who also happen to be really nosy (i.e. "So what's new with you? When are you finally going to have a baby?) UGH. It truly is the kind of event that really reminds you of what you don't have but want so much, and you just can't help but feel bad.

Coincidentally that day we have a trip booked for a night in Atlantic City (also timed around my cycle). For now I think we're going to keep this trip and skip the birthday party.

I know it's family-- but this birthday is like the mother ship of the "in your face, look at my child, see how wonderful it is to have kids, what, you don't have kids yet" party.

And I can see myself showing up and literally throwing up when I get there and crying for days afterwards. IS this worth it? No. Especially when just recently my brother didn't even remember that I was at his niece's birthday last year. (Which by the way, we had been trying for six months then and the panic of never having a child was just starting to set in and I cried to my aunt in the bathroom about feeling scared and sad about not yet being pregnant-- and here we are a year later and still no baby).

I realize that I shouldn't be thinking of myself and go for my niece, but in this case and my current life status-- I would have to be a robot to be able to do that.... THIS is my worst nightmare kind of place to be right now.... and my family happens to not really get it, which makes it ten times worse. I guess we'll have to tell them we had a trip planned for that day (and by the way, we didn't know the birthday was on the day we planned the trip, as her actual birthday is a week later....). My brother and his wife will be pissed, but in the scheme of life, I hope they will get over it, as they know that I am and have been a very caring aunt.

Anyway, I'm just feeling fed up and worn out. Everywhere I look, I see pregnant women, and women pushing their strollers and I think to myself, why not me? WHY? They make it look so easy, and here I am doing anything and everything to make this happen-- and then when it finally does, I have a miscarriage and we have to get back on this hellish roller coaster ride. It just sucks so much. $%^&*&!!!^%$#$#@@!!@!@!!

I'm going to see a new RE tomorrow. Not sure why. We've already been to two REs and are going natural for a little while, as I was able to get pregnant naturally. This particular RE helped a friend of my mom's and she couldn't stop raving about him, so I thought why not. All I really want is for him to tell me that nothing is wrong and I will have a child very soon. Because as much as I'd like there to be a problem to fix, I still would rather have my body working right to begin with- if that makes any sense.

I just pray I get rewarded very soon with a healthy baby in my arms after all of this-- and to all the women out there in the same boat, I pray the same for you as well...

And Life Goes On...

2007-07-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

We came home last night from our week on Cape Cod.

It was a really wonderful trip. The weather was perfect; the sun shining, cool breeze in the background. We were surrounded by lush landscapes and clear blue water; crisp and alive.

Our favorite day was the day spent on Nantucket Island. It is a gorgeous place, wild flowers growing along the sand dunes and the most beautiful green blue water, the color so pure and calming, it was like holding a turquoise stone in your hand and feeling its smooth texture-- this was what that water was like. The waves crashing in front of us while we sat under our new umbrella with the green flowers and I in my new turquoise bikini matching that gorgeous water. And Dave, my amazing husband, kind and gentle-- just enjoying life, as he always manages to do even when he shouldn't be able to. And me--- well, I did my best to keep life in perspective and remind myself of that hope I carry around with me in my back pocket.

My period came the night we arrived and I cried and cried. I cried into the next day and then cried some more after that. I didn't think that would happen. This was our first time trying since the miscarriage and I thought I would be okay if my period came. But I wasn't. The fear of wondering if we were back on that horrible, horrible year long journey of trying was in full swing and I was/am hating it.

By the third day I pulled that hope out of my back pocket and it's here with me right now slowly creeping its way back into my heart.

I have hope because I have no other choice.

So life goes on and we begin again, and for this I am ALWAYS thankful.

Random Thoughts...

2007-06-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

So thanks to all for leaving comments on my "HERE I AM" entry. I actually was a little nervous about posting a photo of myself, but then I thought why should I be? If someone recognizes me, then what's the worst that will happen? Nothing.

I think it's important to know that the faces behind the struggles with fertility are faces that we see walking down the street, at work, in the supermarket, on the bus-- anywhere.

I am just a regular girl who so badly wants a child of her own -- and I am proud of that desire.

Anyway... This weekend was fun, but so exhausting. Had about 15 people over yesterday to celebrate my cousin Jill's birthday. I am still recovering this morning. But the good news is that this is my last week at work and then I am off for two whole weeks! YAY! We are leaving for Cape Cod this weekend and will be gone for a whole week-- no computers- just beach and laziness, and lounging around... (and maybe even some good news in my belly....)

HERE I AM

2007-06-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

I have decided to "come out of the closet". So here I am....

It feels good to show myself. I am proud of my life and my journey. I wish it could be easier for sure, but this is the life I was given and I have no choice but to make the most of it.

A Calm (Temporary) Wave...

2007-06-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling really calm lately. I think the first week of the two week wait is always like a "vacation" for me. By next week I know my nerves will kick in and I'll be a wreck- waiting, wondering, grabbing my boobs, looking for those precious signs-- holding onto whatever hope I have in me.

But for now-- all is calm. I am enjoying my life.

Today my sister graduates high school! She is 18. Yes, we are 16 years apart. I have a brother who is 31 too though. When I was 16, I came home from high school one day and my mom greets me at the door and tells me she is pregnant! Imagine being 16 and hearing this? I was thrilled but slightly grossed out-- I mean no teenager wants to know about their parents "doing it"-- right? Anyway-- she was 40 years old at the time and had not planned on having anymore children. Back then it wasn't as common for 40 year olds to be pregnant, so she was concerned and wasn't even sure if she'd keep it. Thankfully she did and I have a wonderful, beautiful sister who I love so much. But what's interesting is that when I told my RE about my mom having a child at 40 years old, he told me that would work well in my favor because fertility is usually passed on from your mom. Well-- we'll see about that.... My mom also told me it took her a year to get pregnant with me (she was 23 at the time though! which is a little different than being 34)... But anyway, I digress.

We have a full fun weekend ahead of us- Mets game tomorrow night, dinner with engaged friends on Saturday night (no chance of getting surprised pregnancy news there), cousin's birthday, and my family is coming over on Sunday and I am hosting a late brunch. Should all be fun.

But again-- I know me and I know I will be secretly panicking next week, but putting on a calm face and pretending I'm not counting the days... yeah right.

Leaving shortly for acupuncture, I'm addicted.

p.s. Thanks to everyone in blogland for leaving comments. It's so nice to know that people I have never met care and support me. In many ways I have felt more free and have been more myself around you all than to people in my real life. So thank you for this.

A New Day

2007-06-15T07:09:00.000-07:00

Well tonight I am going to mikvah and I will come out a new woman, recharged, and fertile!

We are going to NJ this weekend and staying in a woodsey area, kind of like camping but we're sleeping indoors (I'm not into the bug thing:).

Still, it will be cozy and it will just be us, and that's all I want right now.

Right now I am grateful that we can start trying again and I am thankful for the multiple chances we get in life. This, I feel is a HUGE luxury and I don't take it for granted.

I pray we make a life this weekend.... and if it's not the right time, then please give me the strength to remember that I do have chances in this life to make it happen and one day soon I will be a mother to a healthy baby...amen.

Annoyed At My Current Life

2007-06-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

I hate that I get annoyed with family functions these days. I hate that my current life situation has put me in a position where I am sad on Mother's Day, Father's Day, baby announcements, kids' birthdays, etc.

I so want to be happy for everyone and enjoy these happy occassions. But I have to really fight these inner battles I have. I try so hard to step outside of my own life and celebrate Mother's Day and the nieces and nephews birthdays and whatever other family functions come along. But there are too many moments of weakness and I break down and get angry and annoyed and I hate to say it-- jealous --- of everyone that gets to have what I want so bad; a child.

This Sunday is Father's Day and it's also the first time since the miscarriage that we will be able to try again. I want to stay grounded, relaxed, and positive; I need to hold on to the inner peace I have been holding on to this week. But just now my mother annoyed me by asking me what she should get my brother for Father's Day. First of all, why is she getting my brother a father's day gift?-- He's not her father. But regardless it annoyed me because my younger brother gets to be a father while we sit and wait, and stuggle, and wait, and struggle, and wait some more.

Luckily, I will not be attending my family's Father's Day celebration this weekend because I told them I couldn't and we will be seeing them the following weekend. The truth is, we probably could have- but we are having lunch with David's family that same day, and then I just want to go home and relax.

I don't want to spend the day with both families, I don't want to see my sister-in-law's sister's new baby, I don't want to feel like the freak in the room that doesn't have the baby (who also happens to be the oldest of the siblings too).

I want to keep myself in my peaceful, relaxed world and not let those voices/thoughts in. Clarity, Peace, Serenity.... (Have you heard Fergie's new song?)

My therapist tells me it is completely normal to feel this way, given my sitation.

BUT I HATE MY SITUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My inner voice is now taking over:
Breathe in, breathe out. Let it go. You have a beautfiul weekend to look forward to with your husband, do whatever feels right for you. You don't have to answer to anyone. Everyone puts their own lives first, so you do the same. This is only a temporary situation. You will be a mother. That's right.

Nervous Excitement

2007-06-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

This is a big week for us, although I am trying to "pretend" it's not.

I am really working hard at not stressing out and just going with the flow (ha ha no pun intended!).

You see, being Jewish, I observe the Jewish law of going to the mikvah-- this is the body of pure water that a Jewish woman immerses herself in after she is done with her period. But there are rules here. After the 5th day of my period, I have to count 7 clean days, which then puts me at day 12 of my cycle (the mikvah corresponds to the fertility cycle-- and if your cycle doesn't work with these rules, there are ways to work around that; my cycle happens to work well with this, as I ovulate between day 12-15).

Anyway, on day 12 I can go to the mikvah where I immerse myself 3 times under water and I am then pronounced "kosher"-- and I can (finally) have relations with my husband(I am to abstain from having relations with my husband during these 12 "unclean" days).

It sounds a little odd to do this in the modern world, and I never thought I would observe this custom but I truly have come to love it so much. When I come out of that water, I feel like I've been reborn, I am a new person and have left my sorrows behind me in that water.
I feel ready to embark on whatever it is that I have before me. And not to mention it really makes our sex lives so much more exciting; the waiting, the anticipating those 12 days, it's like we're dating again or something-- I am wanted by my husband and that is a great feeling.

So this Friday is the day I will go to the mikvah and it will also be the day we begin trying again. I feel scared and nervous and excited and hopeful, and worried and everything else that is making me jumpy and antsy.

I have so many mixed emotions now. I think about how this Thanksgiving would have been my due date and I get so sad about that. But then I think that I will be pregnant by then, so the sadness will be gone, and I will have a new happiness to look forward to. But then the worried me creeps in and I think well what if I'm not pregnant by then?

We said 6 months of trying naturally now and then we will go back to the RE. I like having a plan-- I just don't want to have to use it.

Yesterday I spent the day cooking, which is so relaxing for me. I made meatballs with mashed string beans (yum!), roasted chicken with whole garlic, zucchini cakes, salad. A feast. It is meant for the week and if I had more stuff in the fridge, I would have made more. I thank my mom for my love of cooking and creativity with food. I think about working in food once I am a mom. I really love it, and it would enable me to work from home...

Anyway-- for now I will do my best to just relax. I have acupuncture tomorrow, so that will help. And I will look forward to a beautiful and spiritual weekend with my husband and just enjoy it all.... (and maybe even create life while we're "enjoying each other")

Relief Never Felt So Good

2007-06-07T08:34:00.001-07:00

I woke up panicking this morning.

I decided that I just couldn't wait until Monday to get my day 3 results (especially when I was so nervous about my FSH levels. Recap- In Nov. and Dec. they were 10, not horrible. But in January at my new RE's office, they were 16- panic set in at that time-- but then I started acupuncture and got pregnant the following month).

So when I woke up today I was nervous and then when I got to work I was reading some emails from this yahoo list that I'm on through my fertility yoga class and this woman had an FSH of 20 a few months ago and now it went to 50!

I was going crazy-- what if this happens to me!

So I frantically called my obgyn and told the receptionist that I'm anxious about my day 3 blood results, could any of the doctors call me back, perhaps the results are in now?

Well just a few minutes ago, my doctor calls and asked me why I am anxious to know about day 3 results since I got pregnant? I reminded him about my FSH of 16, and he finally told me he got the results this morning and my FSH is a 9!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOOORAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I choked up with tears of happiness. A single digit FSH. Thank you G-d!

And all my other hormones are fine too.

HALELLUYAH. I can relax now. I am telling you, the acupuncture, no caffeine, low sugar diet, must be working miracles on me, along wth G-d's help of course...

I feel so much better, I can't even express.

I am so grateful for these happy moments. They are so few and far between these days, that anything that's even remotely something good feels AMAZING.

This is what my fertility journey has taught me; appreciate the good and just soak it all in.

Do I Have a New Body?

2007-06-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

I went to my obgyn this morning for day 3 blood work. They won't have results until Friday or Monday. At my RE I would get them same day-- I guess this is the protocol at the obgyn's. I'm a little nervous but I'm trying to stay positive, as so far everything has happened on time since my miscarriage.

The one thing I need to ask the doc when I call for results is-- is it normal for the body to change when it comes to PMS symptoms after a miscarriage?
Since I have been getting my period, I have always had sore breasts and now my last two periods since my miscarriage, I have had nothing. Is this bad? Is this good? What does it mean?
I can't seem to find much on the internet-- although I do read that the body can change after a miscarriage. But I just want to know if my body isn't working right anymore now that I don't have sore breasts.
Weird, I know. But it feels strange not having this symptoms. It's like I suddenly have a new body... and I want to know if it's better/same as before or worse.

I am calling the doctor by Friday. I hate the waiting. Shocking, right?

Words To Live By

2007-06-04T18:16:00.000-07:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some genuine enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you;Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten tomorrow;Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;Give the world your best anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

~~~~Mother Teresa

She Came...

2007-06-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

Well good old Auntie Flo arrived this morning when I got to work. I'm so glad... Just one day late from my usual 28 day cycle. Not bad after a miscarriage...

So the plan is to get my hormones tested on Day 3 (just to make sure things are where they should be after the miscarriage) and, we will finally start trying again this cycle. It's been two months since the miscarriage and although I am better emotionally, the pain is still with me. Sometimes it creeps up when I don't expect it-- and when I think it might kick in (like when I was out buying birthday gifts for the nieces, and even attended a birthday party this weekend), I was fine; laughing, playing with the children-- soaking their energy in so that maybe, just maybe the baby fairy would smile upon me and grant me my greatest wish this month.

And then there's the now.

I was so eager to start trying again this month, we've been waiting and waiting and now that I'm faced with it and it's going to happen, I have to say I am terrified.

Terrified of all the "what ifs".

What if it takes me another year (or dare I say longer) to conceive?
What if I have another miscarriage?
What if this?
What if that?

AND not to mention the dreadful waiting games all over again. I guess these past two months were kind of like a vacation-- although I did some waiting (waiting for flo, waiting to ovulate- ugh!!!)

I just pray that this time it's an easier and smoother journey for us.

WAIT!

How about this instead?

What if I get pregnant in the next three months?
What if I don't have a miscarriage?
What if I have a healthy baby?
What if this time next year, I am breastfeeding instead of sitting at this computer?

Wouldn't THIS be wonderful?

I hope.

I have hope.

I must.

The Wait Begins

2007-06-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

Today is day 28 and I need Flo to get here asap!

We can finally start trying again this cycle and we are EAGER to get going!

Yo Flo,
You best be get'in here NOW. We need you and we need you B-A-D. I hope you'll be good to me and show up on time just like you did last month. C'mon flowy, c'mon!

Awaiting you with open arms,
Me

UGH--- No pms symptoms again, although Friday I was crying alot- so I hope that was related to hormones. But no more sore boobs which I've had since the age of 12. I guess my miscarriage or acupuncture changed my body. Anypoo--- just need flo now to get this month going.

OK-- let's see what happens.

I Am a FERTILE

2007-05-31T11:46:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking and at last night's therapy session, I mentioned that I have never called myself an "infertile" and I have purposely named this blog after something I love (flowers) and not something relating to fertility... Yes, I focus on fertility on my blog, but it's because I feel so free and not judged, and it's such a great release whenever I want to just vent on whatever is going on-- positive or negative.

So we came to the conclusion that I will NEVER think of myself as infertile.

Labeling myself as infertile is negative, final, and false.

As long as there is HOPE in my life that I will have a healthy child, I am a fertile.

I Missed Me

2007-05-29T14:48:00.001-07:00

We spent the weekend in DC and it was by far the best weekend we've had in a very long time.

No thoughts of miscarriage, inconsiderate friends, aunt flo, ovulation. It was pure fun and I was truly at peace. We saw old friends that I have missed so much- Lauren, John, Chuck and David. We laughed a lot, ate great food, drank 3 glasses of wine total, and just talked freely and openly about this and that. I felt like my old self and I think Dave was happy to see "me" return. Oh-- I forgot to mention, the love making was mind blowing : )

Anyway, I'm back in NYC now, and I'm still in a good mood. I realize that I need to make more of an effort to go to DC and visit the peeps. It's a short ride and it's a blast even though the weather was grossly humid and hot.

I'm on day 22 of my cycle and I hope this time next week my best friend and worst enemy, Auntie Flo will show her bloody self. Other than that, Dave and I are carb free this week because we pigged out too much this weekend and everything feels tight. Still in a good mood though : )

Dear good mood,
Please stay with me for as long as possible.
Love,
Me